Best friends just shouldn't

Edward,

That's the last time I drink that much. That is the last time I ever smoke that much. That is the last time I ever share a bed with you. In fact I am moving out. I'm running away as fast as I can. Actually since it's my house maybe you should be the one to move. It's not that I want you to. In fact I'd be lost if you went. I just don't know if I can talk to you again. Things changed last night and put us on a completely different level. Moving in together seemed like such a good idea. Now I'm left wondering whether or not it was.

When I split up with Liza, I had nowhere to go and you put me up for a few months whilst I found my feet. We talked about how well we were doing living together and agreed that because I had local housing qualifications and you didn't, we would look for a house together and I would put it in my name. We made house rules before we even found the place and we both thought it was the right thing to do. You looked after me when no one else would. You taught me to get on with my life and to be proud of whom I am. You're my best friend. I don't care about the nineteen-year age gap.

When Dad threw me out you supported me. You told me that things would get better. You were right. It's not my fault that my father can't accept me or accept that I have friends like you who truly are my family. He hasn't been my family since Mum died. He lost interest in everything apart from himself. I had always been a daddy's girl and now it was just the two of us we became distant. He couldn't accept that I was forging my own path and I couldn't accept the fact he was a lying two-faced cheat. You on the other hand, you cradled me in your arms. You listened to my sobbing and you helped me through the horrible phone calls that ensued after he kicked me out.

I have turned to you with things so private and so personal that I would never have told another soul. You in turn have shared things with me that I will take to my grave. Will we ever have that relationship again? Is there a way to move on from this? I don't want to lose you but I don't know what to do. Do we put it down to a drunken mistake and agree to forget it? Was there more behind it than either of us realise? What happens if there are irreparable issues that this has created? I love you. You know that. We have often joked that we are an old married couple who give each other permission to sleep with others, as our sex-life is non-existent. And until last night that is exactly what we were apart from on paper.

Today though, we wake to find that we have broken that one sacred rule we had never actually laid down but knew existed. The ultimate house rule between friends living together. We were stupid. We didn't think. We got lost in the moment. And now as I watch you sleeping there next to me, your chest rising and falling slowly, I wonder how we could ever have let it got this far. But I also find myself wondering how it didn't happen sooner. Is it possible that this is the culmination of the harmless flirting and sexy dancing on a night out? Is it possible that our friends were right when they told us that we were silly for even contemplating moving in together? Did Michael and Joanie see something we should have?

There's another issue I think needs addressing. Did we use protection last night? I don't remember us using anything. If we didn't we could be in for a big shock. I mean I'm not about to go and get the morning-after pill in case. You know I don't believe in that. And I know you don't either. But if it turns out that I am pregnant how are we gonna explain this to everyone? And what about the poor kid that would be the result of this? How would we explain to our child that his/her mother is a lesbian and his/her father is a queen? That they were the result of a one-night stand that shouldn't have happened? It's not that I don't think we'd cope or that we wouldn't be great parents, it's just that I'm confused right now and I need to talk to someone about it all. I need to talk to you. But I don't know how to broach the subject.

I'm gonna go have a shower, get dressed and go for a walk. I'll leave this letter on this pillow where my head is now resting and hope that you will be able to make the next move in regards to discussing this.

Toni