An Unfortunate Job

A salesman's plight.

Key to script:

&;#61623; &;#8230; implies that the salesman has been interrupted
and cut off in mid speech;
&;#61623; the empty line between each section of the salesman's
speech represents a pause while the other speaker (unheard by the
audience) is given time to respond;
&;#61623; Emphasised speech;
&;#61623; (sound effects);
&;#61623; S - the salesman.

(The sounds of daytime suburbia can be heard. Presently the sound of
brisk footsteps can be heard, faintly at first, then increasing in
volume. When the footsteps stop the man coughs then knocks sharply at
the door several times before ringing the doorbell. The door is then
opened)

S - (a young man's voice is heard with the tone carefully tuned to
imply a professional air of confidence, calm and cheerfulness. He
begins his speech in an obviously rehearsed flattering tone of voice)
Ah, good-morning, madam. You look like the sort of intelligent,
perceptive and high-minded person who would be interested
in&;#8230;

S - But surely, madam you'd like to see&;#8230;

S - (Annoyed disbelief) No? No?! Just no? What do you mean no? That's a
rather prejudiced point of view. You can't knock it before you've tried
it, you know, that's just not fair!

S - What?

S - You've got one?

S - It did what?

S - Well, you obviously had a faulty model. This one allows one's limbs
to remain where they began and it also comes in a more expansive range
of colours.

S - Oh, sorry, yes. My name is Keith from Burton's wholesale
manufacturing and&;#8230;

S - Well, I suppose I am a salesman technically, but I prefer the term
'initiator of innovative new products', or 'supplier
of&;#8230;'

S - (haughtily) I choose to take that comment as a joke and in an
inoffensive light.

S - (panicky) No! Don't go, madam!

(the sound of a door being swung shut can be heard. This stops
abruptly)

S - There's so much we haven't discussed and I haven't even shown you
this beautiful creation yet.

S - Sorry?&;#8230;

S - (Mock astonishment) My foot?&;#8230;

S - In your door?&;#8230;

S - (spoken very quickly) Very sorry, madam, can't think how that got
there. Anyway, as I was saying, this product&;#8230;

S - What?&;#8230;

S - (Incredulously) You want me to move it? But surely, madam, you
can't allow yourself to miss out on such an exciting experience, such
an overwhelming opportunity, such a dashing
demonstration&;#8230;

S - (smug) Yes, I did make that up myself actually. I'm very proud of
it: none of the other employees of Burton's thought up such clever
alliteration and I'm actually hoping to win employee of the month for
it. In fact, Mr. Burton himself once told me&;#8230;

S - (Hurt, offended) That was a very spiteful remark madam, I'm not
used to that sort of language

S - (Relieved) Thankyou, madam.

S - No, it won't take long at all&;#8230;

(The next four sections are spoken with growing irritation)

S - Yes, I will leave immediately after&;#8230;

S - No, there will be no hard-sale.

S - Or emotional blackmail.

S - (Deep sigh) Oh, I suppose so, no crying either.

S - (finally snaps, sarcastic) No! No! Fine! No desperate pleading!
That's just fine and dandy, I'll just leave it all out, shall I?
(Bitterly muttering to himself decreasing Maybe I should just sit
quietly in a corner and let her simply look at it. Hah! It's people
like this that make life very difficult for people like me. It's not as
if I don't try. Not like Collin, he can't even remember what he's
selling half the time!

S - Nothing, madam, just enjoying the d?cor. Lovely shade of mauve over
the stairs.

S - Sorry, madam. I'll just shut up shall I?

S - Right. (pause) Um, I don't suppose there's a cup of tea on offer,
is there?

S - Yes, of course. It's just that some potential customers offer me a
drink and I haven't had one all day, (martyr-like, long-suffering) but
no, don't mind me. I'll be allright, I'm sure! Right. Now, if you'll
just show me to a plug-socket&;#8230;

S - Impatient, he speaks in a patronising voice to show his irritation)
A plug-socket, madam, an electrical device attached to a wall in order
to transmit electrical energy to appliances around the house to make
them function adequately and&;#8230;

S - No, no madam, I'm not being sarcastic, I was
simply&;#8230;

S - O.K, O.K, so the other ones you were shown one didn't need one, but
that just means&;#8230;

S - Yes, yes, of course. Now I'll just turn it on. Here we go.

(When the man speaks again he is shouting over the roar of the
machine.)

S - Good, now, listen carefully, madam, what can you
hear?&;#8230;

S - Sorry?

S - (Baffled, repeating what the woman has just said) Nothing over the
sound of this?

S - No. No, I don't think that's supposed to be your answer. (Annoyed)
Oh, you've put me off now, madam. Wait a minute.

(There is the sound of a large briefcase opening and a few heavy
sounding books being taken out. When the man speaks again, he is
quietly reading out the titles)

S - 'Daylight robbery - a salesman's guide to selling anything', no no
no&;#8230;Er, 'Ten pointless pointers for dedicated salesmen', blah
blah blah. Ah! Here we go: 'Burton's sale techniques'.

(He opens the book and leafs through the pages. When he next speaks to
the woman his voice and register have switched back to their original
ultra-friendly, ultra-efficient, ultra-with-it style )

S - Right, according to this you're supposed to say "nothing", then I
say "exactly, the sound of silence!" and then explain why and how it is
so quiet. Shall we go through that again?

S - (disappointed) Oh. O.K, I can live with that. (Pause) Er, you know
that cup of tea?

S - sorry, madam, I never mentioned it.

S - (dull resignation) Yes, I know that I don't have time for a cup of
tea as I am leaving immediately after

S - Yes, I know that salesmen shouldn't drink on duty, anyway.

S - Yes I know that you don't like me repeating everything you say in a
world-weary voice&;#8230;

S - No, I don't want a thick ear. (Hurriedly, snapping out of it) But
thankyou, anyway.

S - Now then, madam&;#8230;

S - But I've only just started!

S - (quickly, persuasive) But it comes in many different sizes, there's
even one for your handbag, and you get an attractive little makeup case
with it and&;#8230;

S - (Shocked) I'm sorry?

S - Take my what?

S - Shove it where?

S - But, madam! That's impossible. They haven't done that since the
sixteenth century and it wasn't approved of by all the authorities even
then. (Long pause) (conversationally, wistfully) D'you, I haven't had a
cup of tea for hours. I left at nine this morning and haven't had one
sin&;#8230;

S - Sorry, sorry, my mistake&;#8230;

S - (Urgently) STOP! You can't unplug it until you've switched it
off&;#8230;

S - (Hysterically) Why? Why? Because it'll ruin all the circuitry!
That's why! It's a very delicate piece of machinery, this is ,
madam!

S - I'm not losing control!

S - (shouting) AND I'M NOT SHOUTING!

S - Nooooooooooooooooooooo! {There is the sound of a flying leap
followed by a scuffle. When the salesman speaks again his voice is
muffled. He is lying on top of the woman.}

S - No, I will not get off you until you let go of that plug!

S - I don't care if you complain, madam.

S - (Melo-dramatically) A complaint may damage my career, but the
wreckage of this machine would destroy it! I have been entrusted with
this beautiful thing and if I return it with even a nick on its
paintwork&;#8230;

S - I don't care what it looks like and I don't care where my hand is,
it is self-defence. I am simply trying to protect my career and if you
don't let go of that plug&;#8230;

S - (Haughtily) It is important, madam, because there are only twenty
machines of this quality in the entire country. These are the
show-models; it takes months of carefully monitored construction to
make a machine of this quality.

S - Well, of course, the ones for sale take approximately two minutes
but what has that got&;#8230;

(There is the sound of the front door opening. There are heavy
footsteps as a large man walks in.)

(Attempting to sound cheerful and professional but finding it difficult
when lying on top of a stranger's wife. Not that it would be any less
embarrassing if he knew the man, but they would at least have been able
to make polite conversation about the heavy workload at the office or
yesterday's football results or something. There is a nervous tremble
to his voice.)

S - Oh. Um, hello, sir! Lovely day, isn't it?

S - No, I think that you may have got entirely the wrong impression
there, not your fault of course, but, nevertheless&;#8230;

S - I would really like to keep my face the way it looks
because&;#8230;

S - No, sir, please, noooooooooooooooooooooooo!

(There is the sound of bones being broken and muffled yells, then a
heavy thud as the salesman lands on the pavement outside the house. He
stands up shakily and brushes himself down, then calls to the woman in
the same confident voice.)

S - (Calling cheerfully) I'll come back for that cup of tea when I next
do my rounds then, madam, shall I?

(There is a rush of wind and a heavy 'thunk' as the man's briefcase
flies through the air and lands on his head.)

S - I'll put you down for two then, madam?&;#8230; (No response)
Sir?&;#8230;

S - No, no, sir, please, don't throw that&;#8230;

S - I can do better than that, sir. I can give you hundreds of reasons
not to throw it at me. Number one: it would hurt me considerably,
number two there are some very important documents in there that I
really can't afford to lose and&;#8230;

S - O.K., not convinced yet, I have others!

S - No, sir. I strongly advise&;#8230;

(There is another rush of wind and an even heavier 'clunk' as the man's
mysterious machine lands on top of him. There is a long pause. Then,
very slowly, the man climbs out from under it. Once again there is the
sound of him picking himself up and brushing himself down. He then
picks up his briefcase and straightens his tie)

S - (Optimistically) Well, that went rather well, I think!

(There is the sound of footsteps decreasing in volume as the salesman
walks to the next house whistling. He then knocks and rings the
dorrbell again several times, as before. When he speaks his voice is
quiet indicating a distance.)

S - Ah! Good-morning, madam. You look like the sort of intelligent,
perceptive and high-minded person who would be interested
in&;#8230;

(The man's voice fades away as he continues attempting to sell his
machine to the woman in the next house.)