The warmth

Standing there,
A huge smile on his face,
In a suit,
Crimson tie,
White lily in his top button hole,
My husband-to-be,
The man I'd been engaged to for a year nearly,
Yet now,
I feel like a stranger,
Nervous,
Un-known,
I felt someone squeeze my arm,
It was my dad,
Tears crying down his face,
I gave him a little smile,
As I approached the priest,
I felt like a little girl,
Not quite sure of what I was doing,
Small,
Being judged,
Dressing up in my mother's shoes,
I looked around at the people around me,
There was 3 girls, women following me,
I saw my aunt,
My cousins,
My uncle,
My brother,
My friend,
My teacher,
My boss,
My husband,
I looked around for my mum,
But couldn't see her,
Then I remembered,
That my mum was dead,
And had been for 10 years,
She'd never met him,
Ever,
'But first I am required to ask anyone present who knows a reason why these persons may not lawfully marry, to declare it now,'
I looked about,
No one said anything,
'The vows you are about to take are to be made in the name of God, who is judge of all and who knows the secrets of our hearts: therefore, if either of you knows a reason why you may not lawfully marry, you must declare it now.'
I looked at him,
He was already looking at me,
I wanted to cry out,
That my mum hadn't met him,
So we couldn't marry,
But that would have been wrong,
Because I don't want to marry anyone,
I knew before mum died,
'Carl, will you take Tilly to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honour her and protect her, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?'
Carl smiled at me,
He had a gorgeous smile,
I never noticed that before,
I had,
Just I forgot,
Perhaps I shouldn't marry him,
Because I forget,
I forget,
'I will,'
Carl replies,
And looks at me,
I look at my feet,
They don't seem so watching,
'Tilly, will you take Carl to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?'
I gasped when I realized that the priest was talking to me,
I gulped,
And nodded,
The priest kept staring at me,
'I will'
I whispered.
I felt ashamed,
Why did I feel so stupid?
Why couldn't I feel happy?
I was marrying the man I loved,
Why wasn't I crying with joy?
'Who gives this woman to be married to this man?'
I felt an arm un hook it's self from mine,
And I heard a strong, familiar, 'I do',
My dad then took my hand,
And I watched as it was placed from,
The priest's hand to Carls hand,
Why?
It wasn't like I'd never held Carl's hand,
And I'd see my dad again,
It wasn't like I was leaving him for ever,
Carl turned to face me,
And I turned in to face him,
I saw his face,
Tears falling down his face,
I felt my own face,
Blank,
Expressionless,
Emotionless,
Boring,
Plain,
'I, Carl John Williams, take you, Tilly Ariel Langly, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish and worship, till death do us part, according to God's holy law; and this is my solemn vow'
He said is so easily,
No hesitations,
Like he meant every word,
But what if things got really bad,
We fought,
Would I still be his wife?
What if I got really sick,
Would I still be his wife?
Would we be together till death do us part?
Mum and dad weren't,
They divorced,
They split,
They separated,
What ever you want to call it,
They weren't together until death parted them,
Would Carl and I?
I was standing there,
At the front of the church,
Everyone who ever knew me,
Waiting for me,
The priest went to take my hand,
And place it on Carl's hand,
I knocked it away,
Carl frowned,
'What's wrong?'
He mouthed,
I blinked,
I felt a tear coming,
But this wasn't a happy tear,
It was a sad tear,
I was sad,
On my wedding day,
I leant forward to Carl,
Pecked his cheek,
Picked up my trail,
And ran out of the church,
Crying,
Sad crying,
I kept on running, until I reached the black car,
I had arrived in,
I hit it,
And cried,
I'd not cried that much,
Since mum had died,
'Mum, What should I do? Tell me, Speak to me. SPEAK TO ME!' I cried out in to the sky,
I held my own hand,
It was warm,
Warm from where Carl had touched it,
That was what Carl would make me,
Warm,
I had been cold,
Ever since mum had died,
I had had no-one to make me warm,
And Carl would make me warm,
Again,
I wiped away my tears,
I picked up my trail,
I walked in from the cold,
I had grown so used to,
And I felt the warm,
The warmth,
The warmth I had to welcome back into my life,
The warmth of love.