Title TBC
By holasteph
- 1394 reads
Before you begin to read I would just like to say I would LOVE some feedback of any kind, even one worded reviews.
It was cold when I left the office. Much colder than I had thought it would be. The winter wind whispered in my ear as I stepped onto the deserted road. It was late, later than I usually left but the news wasn't going to just write itself and I needed this job to last.
To save time getting home, I irrationally decided to take the shortcut beside my office block that cut through the forest. I knew it was a bad idea as soon as I felt the snow. The icy wind had deteoriated and it swept tiny pellet-like grains of dry snow against my face and my clothes.
The snow gradually became heavier. It began to change from little pellets to proper flakes. Soon the countryside around me was beginning to whiten.
I continued to walk, almost guided by the transparent fog that emitted each time I breath out.
I was about fifteen minutes into the journey when a pair of flashing hazard lights behind me caught my attention. I looked around to see a car with a young man inside who was waving his hands to me. I thought maybe he wanted me to walk into the ditch to make room for him to drive past but as he slowly drove past me, he shouted 'Would you like a lift into town? It's way too dangerous out here with all this snow'
I hesitated but only for a split second. 'Are you sure?'
‘Course I am,’ he said, ‘It’s bloody freezing out there.’
I swung the passenger seat open and sat down, cupping my hands in front of my mouth and blowing air into them.
He looked at me and turned the heating up to max.
‘Thanks’ I said glancing over at him.
I could see now that he was only a few years older than me. I had never seen him in town before.
"Are you from around here?" I asked curiously.
"No" he said "Just visiting a friend tonight"
I nodded and sat back enjoying the warmth bliss contrasting to the cold I had just been in
My euphoria was short lived as the man suddenly swerved onto a different lane. The new surface was suddenly much rougher. I tensed and I glanced at the man.
"Safter way to go with all this snow, only a few minutes extra" He explained.
The road we were now on was bumpy and narrow and set at quite a steep incline. It was also quiet. Completely deserted in fact.
And that's when he flicked the switch for the automatic central locking.
All four door locks clicked in unison. It took me a second to realise something was wrong.
I looked at him.
‘It’s just up here now.’ He said.
I swallowed.
‘What is?'
He didn't reply.
Why did you lock the doors?’ I asked
‘I didn’t. They just do that sometimes. Probably something wrong with the electrics.’
I knew he was lying, and he knew it too.
For a few minutes I said nothing more as a million different situations came jumbling into my head. Why had I even gotten into his car? Hadn't I got enough talks when I was a kid on never getting into a car with a stranger?
Stupid stupid stupid.
We juddered and rumbled on in a tense silence.
That's when I noticed the little orange dashboard light, the one with the fuel-tank on it, was blinking violently at us.
'Shit' the man said.
The car came to an abrupt stop and he jumped out of the car, running over to my passenger door and opening it.
'Get out. Make one noise and you're going to regret it.'
He grabbed me by the upper arm and dragged me into the forest, which was already a gleaming, glistening white. It was strange to see something so beautiful in a place full of danger.
Up ahead, I began to see the faint outline of a cabin of some sorts, This seemed to be the man's destination. TBC
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Comments
A few bits about consistency
[Safter way to go] Should be 'safer' and you switch from using apostrophes to quotation marks for dialogue half-way through and then switch back again. Other than that it was a good read :) keep it up!
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Enjoyed
Enjoyed
Just a tiny typo about halfway down. 'Safter way to go', should be, I think, 'Safer...'.
Shall looking foward to reading more of 'TBC'
Tina
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I think you buld up the
I think you buld up the tension very well in this. The dialogue is natural too (not always an easy thing to achieve). Welcome to ABC!
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Icy wind had worsened maybe.
Icy wind had worsened maybe. Or weather deteriorated. If the wind deteriorated it would become less of a wind. Break up the text more - it will be easier to read online and so read more. Welcome. Looking forward to reading more.
Parson Thru
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