Very Short Humorous Christmas Stories

I was sat around the dinner table with my family, eating a bowl of Christmas pudding. The slice of pudding I had on my spoon said to me: “Stop!!! Don’t eat me!!!”
So I shrugged, and ate it anyway.

The Muppets’ Christmas Carol was on TV, on BBC One.
I had it on DVD, and I’d watched it a million times.
So I switched on the TV, turned to BBC One, and watched it.

I picked up a present from under the tree.
It had my name on the label, so I opened it.
And then my mum told me it was still only the 19TH of December.

My mum put me to bed early on Christmas Eve.
She said to me: “Santa won’t come unless you’re asleep.”
So I answered: “Does he do that when he’s shagging Mrs Santa as well?”

My mum said to me: “Merry Christmas.”
I replied: “Was she Jesus’ Mum?”

My little sister built a snowman the other day.
She told me she wished he could come to life.
I said that I could make him move.
I took out a hair dryer, and melted my sister’s snowman.

I met Rudolph the other day.
He told me he wanted to get rid of his red nose.
So I gave him a tissue for his cold.

I saw a photo of Santa the other day.
I noticed he didn’t have a beard, so I drew one in.
The my mum told me that it wasn’t Santa, it was Homer Simpson.

I felt my stocking this morning.
I found a Satsuma, and a lump of coal.
The lump of coal tasted nasty, and the Satsuma isn’t good at keeping you warm.

I sang Jingle Bells earlier.
I always thought it was six reindeer, not one horse.

I sang “All I Want For Christmas Is You” to my TV earlier.
I couldn’t understand it when my boyfriend gave me a funny look.

One year, I left out milk and cookies for Santa.
He never turned up, so I ate the cookies, and drank the milk.
Then my mum told me it was New Year’s Eve.

I could never understand the bit with the Three Wise Men.
Surely they meant the Three Wise Women?

And another thing.
They had to follow the star?
Didn’t they have Sat Nav in those days?

I started handing out Christmas cards to everyone.
I couldn’t understand why everyone was laughing at me.
Then Mum told me it was Easter.

It’s official. Christmas is over.
I saw an Easter Egg in Asda.
It’s only 27TH December.

Very Shitmas.
And a Crappy Spew Beer.