Myopia

Even at the moment you laughed at me
even at that moment - which really
was the moment I should have stood up
called off this date - snatched up my carkeys
and walked - even at the moment
the one that showed you were a cunt
and cruel - and dismissive
and were not a person who would have
any respect for me - even then - when
only an idiot would carry on with this
the kind of idiot who ends up living
with a man who doesn't suit them for years
and years - the kind of man who belittles
them in public and fails to care for them
and puts their own needs so far - so far
in front - even then when you so obviously
were not the man you advertised yourself to be
kind mainly - even then when anyone
would think a person like me would have
learnt their lesson - after lover after lover
turned out duff eventually - after things
that left me winged, bloody and ready to
be grateful if someone wrung my neck
put me out of this fucking endless gut wrenching
misery - even then at that moment when I
had to ignore my body - which is so much wiser
than me and tried to compel me to stand
twitched my fingers in the direction of my keys
tried to hurry me out of the door of that bar
into the dark night where I'd be safer even
with the fireworks splattering light across
the inky sky - even at that moment I swallowed
down my shame like swallowing a shot of lava
- even when it felt like that - I still
leant into you and wondered if you liked me
- if we would sleep together
fall in love