Shopping for Fences

So we wake up in a household that now includes a dog. Waking up is
good as it means that the dog did not keep anyone awake all night
howling.

Kit and I come downstairs and of course the dog is still in Jake's
room. I look at my shopping list. I phone all the places I can think of
that sell fences and might deliver them. Three fence panels are missing
and a couple more have seen much better days.

In the dog excitement I have quite forgotten my new Crockery Regime. I
have replaced my 150 assorted dinner and side plates and bowls with 18
matching new ones. 6 dinner plates, 6 side plates and 6 bowls. The
philosophy behind this is that everyone uses clean plates each time and
then leaves them around the house. This means they are all eventually
dirty and need washing up all at the same time.

Now I find I am able to shout "Who's got a blue bowl and a white
plate?" The regime is working marvellously. I have applied the same
thinking to the cutlery too. Let's hope I never have more than six
people needing to eat at the same time.

Considering I am the least hospitable person in the nation I am fairly
optimistic that this won't happen. If I should have any parties in
future - for example to celebrate Liana's return from flooded Prague -
then I will just have to instruct guests to bring their own
crockery.

By 1.30 p.m. Archie has already had 4 walks. I imagine his legs will be
worn to stumps by the end of the week. Though this is the triumph of
hope over experience and I know full well that when the novelty wears
off I will be applying moral blackmail to everyone so that they take
him out.

I had forgotten some of the things about having a dog in the house. A
dog always imagines that anyone walking anywhere in the house is about
to do something very interesting and follows them with ears cocked in
expectation. Also that a dog will change from apparent deep slumber to
spontaneous ball playing activity in a matter of seconds and back
again. Everyone is entertained by having a creature who follows them
avidly or leaps after a ball when you roll it under the table.

The dog disconnects me repeatedly from the internet by curling up
inside all the wires. He also entertains himself for hours between
sleeps by tossing an old sheepskin glove up in the air and catching
it.

I insist oldest and Slick from next door come with me on the fence
buying expedition. After phoning every fence seller I can think of I am
instructed by my next door neighbour to try the fence specialists in
town. We arrive and are greeted by a very posh older woman who
frogmarches us into the yard to examine her bargain panels. They are
good quality and half price. I buy 6. The boys almost combust with
mirth when she repeatedly uses the words "blimmin" and "flippin".

"They certainly are a blimmin good bargain" they say all the way home.
The new fencing will be delivered on Thursday. ?5 delivery is certainly
flippin good value we agree. Homebase charge ?20 and have no such
entertaining staff.

On the way home we buy an extending dog lead, a rubber ball, a
tug'o'war toy and some new bowls as well as a swanky tan leather collar
with studs. Archie certainly will be a stylish pup.

Later I take Slick down to Sainsbury's for an interview. The dog and I
hang about outside waiting for him and the dog is incredibly well
behaved. I can hardly believe my luck. He hasn't shown any humping
behaviour today. Slick comes out and tells me that there are motivating
slogans all over the staff area. "Buy, Baby, Buy" he quotes
happily.

Thanks to my interview coaching he thinks he has done well, they will
let him know at 6 pm. He makes me hoot by telling me he answered one
question regarding customer care by telling them he would do it a
certain way cos it was polite and that's what they did in
Tesco's.

I certainly will be blimmin relieved when the fence is in place on
Thursday and the dog can go out in the garden freely. Until then we
will have to police him. We can't risk any rabbit deaths.