B - "How To Get To Heaven"

Dear Balthazar,

I am becoming increasingly excited by my idea for a book, though I
have also seriously considered what you said in your letter. My
publishers have offered me a generous forward payment though, which I
am currently 'exploiting,' for want of a better word! I have also,
since our last correspondence, revised my vision of it becoming a
national sport. Far better a religion, in the truest sense of the word,
wouldn't you say? A way of life. A very deep and fiercely guarded
cultural asset, enforced in schools throughout the nation so that every
Ablectican nipper is indoctrinated!

I can just imagine the horrified look on your face right now. I know, I
know - makes it sound like Communism, or Nazism, or something terrible
like that, but naturally I don't envisage society executing any rebels
who don't want to conform. Certainly, I'd say a degree of nonconformity
and individuality is allowed for, but that's never stood in the way of
cultural identity before, has it? Having read up on the traditions of
ancient Greece and beyond during my University years, I understand all
too well the need to 'vent' the natural resistance to indoctrination,
the bottling up of the desire for individuality and freedom. I'm an
individual myself, so naturally, I'm all for the individual - there'll
be a day of anti-morality celebrations or something when people can get
away with saying outrageous things. Then, of course, there'll be the
grand tradition of the theatre, of pantomime and television, where
people get away with murder simply because they're acting the 'clown.'
So you see, I'm not taking this lightly - I've thought a lot about
whether I'm doing what your termed as "a Karl Marx," and honestly, I
don't think there's a real danger. I'm not going to start lobotomising
people or anything.

But just imagine: a country where everyone feels fine about everything
because any grievances they might hold can be put down, in their own
minds, to other people behaving like 'fools' and 'maniacs.' Very soon,
my friend, we will have ourselves an entire nation of fools and
maniacs, into which we will fit like a lady's hand in a slender, velvet
glove.
I must remember to add in the all-important key rule, or commandment,
of my new religion - Don't, under any circumstances, listen to anything
anyone says that disagrees with what you yourself have said - they're
generally being, say, na?ve, or rash, or something along those lines!
I'm thinking of what would happen if, for example, people reached a
stalemate where it came to describing each other in undesirable terms.
I hope, naturally, that they will simply laugh each other into the
ground.

I think "Lessons in Civilised Insanity" will put people off, actually,
Bal. Without wishing to undermine your intelligence, I've come up with
a title that will sell far better, a mon avis - "How To Get To Heaven."
I'm thinking of working in a religious subtext, you see, that causes
the modern Ablectican reader to associate my teachings with his own
idea of God and heaven, and over time forget exactly where the two
deviate. Shrewd, eh? Anyway, here are some notes I've made towards a
possible introduction. Let me know what you think:

"Where I come from, the political right wing have it licked, and
elements of the left and middle are catching up. For world leaders it
is mandatory, intellectuals are in pole position, the proletariat are
as canny as ever and even racists, terrorists and bigots get there
share of the booty. But how does the common Ablectican gain access to
that highest of post-mortal realms, heaven, without leaving this great,
blessed country? Interviewing some of life's success stories the
answers to instant self-esteem and the power to impale one's enemies'
heads on a proverbial pike have been made clear to me. I present them
now to you, the reader, in this slim volume, like a magician revealing
the secrets of an ancient profession!"

Too high flown, maybe? How about:

"Have you gone through life feeling ashamed of yourself? Feel like
you're the perpetual underdog in a war of virtue? Ever felt responsible
for any difficult problem, or undesirable incident? In this slim
volume, I will tell you, the average Ablectican, how you can prove
yourself as a figure of wisdom, godliness, honesty and righteousness in
just a few easy steps. Be respected by your family and friends as a
crusader for what is good and right, a voice of sense and rationality,
without having to give up those indulgences that make Ablectica what it
is - food, wealth, freedom. Through this book you will learn how to
justify your every action and reaction, look down on others with a
fatherly air and project your anger and disdain to all that is wrong
with the world. You will be the envy of men, and the idol of women. You
will even be able to achieve the seemingly impossible - being decent
and indecent at the same time, whensoever it suits you!"

Still too high flown? I do want it to make an impact, but as always, I
have to be careful not to arouse suspicion. I'm hurriedly scribbling
down more pages of notes for various chapters and examples. Do you
still have that satchel full of old newspapers? Could you track down
for me a few examples of people duelling with the language of morality
please? I'll naturally pay you handsomely for your service.
Anyhow, guess I should get back to work now, if you know what I
mean!

Taketa carera!

Sisyphus