An Open Letter to the Actor Who Played Karz in 'Karz: The Deadly Truth'

Dear Karz,

I caught your show whilst waiting for a ferry to Zanzibar in Dar-Es-Salaam, and I want to know what in fuck's name was going on. It was all in Swahili, which is a failing on my part, because I should really try to learn more than 'Jambo' and 'Hakuna Matata', but still. Still. Why did you keep freezing, to the backdrop of a wailing orchestra, while the camera zoomed on you like a speeding bus? What possible plot revelation could conjure that glazed, one-quivering-eyebrow expression of a man who has just been felt up by his uncle and rather enjoyed it? I mean, one instance was quite a nice breakfast scene. You were buttering a pastry, chuckling inanely to yourself, then some kid - your son, for all I know - says a few quick words, and you're standing bolt upright, eyes plunged into the distance, eyebrow in death-throes, cellos roaring.

The bloody slaughter of terrorists was understandable, if repetitive. But the fist-fights seemed gratuitous. Why did you throw that guy out of the window for stopping to talk to you in the restaurant? Why were the restaurant windows twelve foot high and made of stained glass? What was with that other guy who turned up at the end and blew up a never-seen-before building? Why did you shake his hand? He just blew up a random building! How come wanton destruction and violence is run-of-the-mill to you, while breakfast gossip puts a frosty finger up your crack?

What was 'the deadly truth', Karz? It better be something pretty damned special, or I will hunt you down with a steel coathanger and auction your cojones on ebay.

Yours sincerely,

Jon Stone