X - The Downfall of Modern Piracy

FADE IN

INT. DOWNSTAIRS BEDROOM - NIGHT [02:04am]

The room is in darkness, except for the light from the street
and the moon. There is enough of this to dimly illuminate JOHN HAWLEY,
lying in bed, a Jolly Roger hanging from the wall above him, and books
stacked on the bedside table, missing their dust jackets. The window is
open, so passing CARS can be heard. The popular pirate song 'What Do
You Do With a Drunken Sailor' is playing faintly.

On the bedside table, a mobile phone BLEATS, and its screen
lights up.

Hawley grunts, turns over and picks it up.

The phone message reads: '02:04 - HEN-V - See you, Cap'n
Hawley. Get over it!'

Hawley types out the reply with his thumb - 'Night,' and goes
on to delete the previous ream of messages, pausing on each to look it
over and make sure nothing important has wormed its way in. The
messages are as follows:

'02:01 - HEN-V - She drinks cider. So bring
some.'

'01:56 - HEN-V - Some Ameircarn wench.
Good-looking.'

'01:52 - HEN-V - H is taking a friend to your
party'

&;#9;'01:43 - HEN-V - Hey, LongFaceJohn. Got
news'

HAWLEY (muttering to himself)

Bastard. No one understands.
Bastards.

He turns the phone off and sinks into his bed. The song
ends.

FADE OUT

INT. UPSTAIRS BEDROOM - DAY [11:30am]

For the first part of the scene, the popular pirate song 'The
girl I left behind me' plays boldly.

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The room and bed are a landslide tip, heaped with clothes,
towels, empty bottles and tissue boxes, broken stationery, make-up
pots, nail varnish remover, tupperware, guitar strings, coffee cups,
toilet roll tubes, dirty spoons, filthy plates, mould knives, torn
posters, weights, carpet stain remover, soft toys, cables, boxes of
washing powder and printed pages - mostly screwed up.

WRONGED LADY - mid-20's, in kitsch fashion, pouty and
strap-shoed - wrestles the top drawer of the bedside cabinet clean out
into her hands. It is filled with about fifty or so condoms of
different kinds.

She kicks various items out of her way to make space on the
floor, then turns the drawer upside down, shaking it so that the
contents scatter over the cleared space.

She tosses the drawer onto the bed, and looks expectantly at
ANON. He is also mid-20's, and dressed in his dressing grown. His hair
is long curls, and well slept on. He is tall and wiry.

Upon realising something is expected of him, Anon bends down
and pools all the condoms into a central pile.

He takes one from the top - in a yellow packet - and places it
close to his bare foot.

He takes another - in a blue packet - and places it near
Wronged lady's feet. He continues to take condoms from the pile as
such, dividing them between them.

As he gets to the seventh, however, she bends down and shoes
his hands away. The seventh packet is labelled
'RIBBED.'

She puts it in her own pile, and tosses an ordinary one onto
his in exchange.

She begins to root through the central pile, looking for more
packets labelled 'RIBBED' and adding them to her pile.

Anon starts taking more for himself, working fast so that he
can catch up with her quantity.

Noticing his haste, Wronged Lady takes a couple of
handfuls.

In reply, Anon begins taking condoms from her stash instead of
the central pile.

Wronged Lady cordons off her stash jealously, and begins
raking the remains into her arms. Gathering up as much as she can, she
stands up.

Anon does so also, and tries to pluck a condom or two from her
armful of booty.

She makes a show of pretending she doesn't notice him, and
picks her way out of the room quickly. Fortunately, the door is jammed
open with the mound of a jumper and scarf.

INT. HALL - DAY

Wronged lady comes down the stairs and into the hall, the odd
condom dropping from her arms.

She OPENS the front door with her toes, and the music stops.
The sound of traffic can now be heard.

She goes out into the street, leaving the door
open.

INT. ANON'S ROOM - DAY

Anon takes the empty drawer from the bed and puts his share of
the condoms back into it. He misses one or two because they're close to
his feet.

He makes a prolonged and noisy attempt to pilot the drawer
back into the bedside cabinet where it belongs, but eventually gives
up, leaving it wedged and slanted, half-in half-out.

He heads out of his room.

INT. HALL - DAY

On the steps, on his way down, he finds the condoms dropped by
Wronged lady and puts them in the front pocket of his dressing
gown.

He SHUTS the front door, cutting out the sound of traffic, and
goes through the nearest door. This leads to the
kitchen.

The song ends.

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

ANON enters the kitchen.

The kitchen is small and adjoined to the living area, with no
wall between them. JACK CADE is sat in a wicker chair reading the
Sunday Times culture supplement. The main part of the paper is spread
across his lap - the headlines read 'KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE WAR' and 'PM
INSISTANT.' He is of a similar age and shape to Anon - slender - but
dressed smartly. There are spatters of milk across his chest and crumbs
over the newspaper. His hair is wild, and he has missed areas in
shaving. He turns the pages noisily.

The kitchen is a mess of washing up and dirty tea towels. A
rivulet of red syrup is very slowly spreading towards the work
top.

Standing by the sink, Hawley is peeling an orange. He is now
dressed smartly and fashionably. He is neatest and stoutest of the
three, but still not portly. Short hair, clean fingernails. He is
trying to remove the orange peel in one piece. The juice is running
down his hands and up his sleeves. He attacks the peel from different
angles, but is clearly thinking about something else
entirely.

Anon pours himself a glass of coke and downs it in
one.

He ROOTS in a cupboard for a packet of
biscuits.

Cade turns a page and Hawley tosses the orange peel in the
sink.

Anon slumps down on the settee and from MUNCHES biscuits
throughout.

HAWLEY

Look, I've been thinking right. In a way, I reckon we're
modern day pirates. I mean, if you&;#8230;

CADE (INTERRUPTING)

Will you listen to this Bryan Appleyard character? It's just -
God on a fucking&;#8230;!

HAWLEY

Jack!

They stare at each other, as the syrup begins to drip from the
side of the work-top.

Hawley puts the peeled orange on the empty drainer, turns on
the cold tap and washes his hands.

ALIGN="CENTER">CADE

He says, and I quote, 'one can't expect a readership rendered
illiterate by its education to get it right.' And last week he was
saying that art can no longer be anti-war! Jesus Christ,
John!

HAWLEY

Well he's a pirate too.

CADE

Say what?

While replying, Hawley finds a misty glass and scourer,
examines them and cleans the glass thoroughly in the running water.

HAWLEY

He's a pirate. I've decided we're all pirates.

CADE

The fuck? There's a war about to
start&;#8230;

He raps the culture supplement as proof of his
statement.

CADE (CONT.)

and you've decided we're all pirates?

HAWLEY

Yeah. Lootin and plunderin bastards. What are we having
tonight? House party. Why? So we can get plastered and pull women.
Pirates.

Hawley fills the glass with water, turns off the tap and
reclaims his orange from the drainer. He begins to eat the orange and
sip the water.

CADE

Fucking hippy cunt.

Cade shields himself with his culture
supplement.

Anon RUSTLES his biscuit packet excessively in the fight to
reach the bottom.

Cade looks over
the culture supplement at Anon.

CADE (CONT.)

And you're a fucking mopey cunt.

HAWLEY (MOUTH FULL)

Shit, Jack! What's with you today?

CADE

What's with me? The whole country's up in arms and I'm stuck
in here with fucking&;#8230; Zen Blondebeard and his fucking stone
gargoyle! If you wanna be a pirate, fine - swab the fucking
decks!

ALIGN="CENTER">CADE (TO ANON)

She's gone! Get over it! She looked like a hyena
anyway.

HAWLEY (TO HIMSELF)

Place could do with a clean&;#8230;

Hawley puts his breakfast down.

Anon gets up and
leaves the room as Hawley begins putting dirty crockery in the
sink.

HAWLEY (CALLING AFTER
HIM)

You are being ridiculous.

(TO CADE)

And you're an&;#8230; aggressive little. You're so! Argh.
Bastard.

CADE

Man the fucking rigging, Hawley.

Cade hides behind his culture supplement
again.

Hawley puts a handful of cutlery in the sink - noisily - and
picks up his breakfast.

He exits the room.