Admission

First off, I have to admit I'm not sure why I want to do this. I got
over it weeks ago if I'm honest. But then again, if I'm being one
hundred percent, absolutely, completely bona fide honest, I know it's
all going to hit me all over again in about a weeks' time, maybe less.
Which is good - it means I'm getting better. It used to be a couple of
hours.

I've tried everything else though, that's the problem. So, I've decided
finally on the cathartic, spill my guts on paper method to see how that
works out. Probably just the same, except a tad more embarrassing if I
consider that people may actually read this. Mind you, I've checked out
this site before - there's easily enough people for me to slip through
the net and not be noticed and I can come back and look at my ramblings
and maybe, just maybe, I'll realise that thinking about this in any way
shape or form is useless and, quite possibly, damaging to my mental
health.

I've tried talking to friends about this (bloke friends, who are
lovely, but when all's said and done, would much rather avoid the
subject of actual real feelings and stick with the mammoth and
life-defining decision of who they'd go with given the chance,
Christina or Britney) I've even tried talking to HER, but it's verging
on the scary harassment point and neither of us want that - especially
not her. I've tried sitting alone for hours on end to think about stuff
and that's got me nowhere fast either. So. This is it. No
reciprocation, no want of understanding on my point (or advice, or
anything), just everything down in black and white - blood, ectoplasm
and cum. The lot.

What gets me is music. I've read High Fidelity and thought Nick Hornby
had a point about the whole am I depressed because of listening to sad
music, or do I listen to sad music because I'm depressed thing - but
this is ridiculous. I'm driving to work today and what do I hear (no
kidding - in this order), Back for Good, If I can't have you (I don't
want nobody baby) and For once in my life - this last one has no
specific references in the title or words to do with us really, but
it's a song we always used to dance together to.

This happens all the time though. I bought the Embrace album recently
because Gravity is a great song, and I just know she'd like it and
while I was in the music shop I was standing there wondering whether
she'd heard it, and if she has, does she really like it. Or has she
heard the Alicia Keys song I've been listening to recently (the "some
people want diamond rings, some just want everything" one) because she
was really into her as well. And then there's the Del Amitri song "The
last to know", which starts with the line "so you're in love with
someone else, someone who burns within your soul" and I wonder if he
burns within her soul (I presume she's in love with her new bloke,
they've been together long enough and, despite her vague flickerings of
feelings towards me the last couple of times we've met, my over
eagerness and "I still care about you" crap have no doubt pissed on
that bonfire) but anyway, the point is - one thing I do know is that we
were very intense and, since we've not been together, she's changed
quite a bit in the way she seems to see blokes.

She once shouted "Fit" at Thierry Henry on tv, but other than that she
never really admitted to feelings of a sexual nature to any other bloke
other than me, which is in complete contrast to her
verging-on-a-ladette I have to have girls nights out thing she does now
(I used to have to persuade her to go on girls nights out - not, as she
thought, so I could see my mates, but because I never wanted her to be
a girlfriend who ditches her mates for her bloke kind of girl). Anyway,
the point is, I think I used to burn within her soul - she certainly
did with me (and I apologise for the Del Amitri line repetition, but
this is what music does to you sometimes) and now I'm wondering if he
does. I never, ever saw her being with anyone else. Now she tells me
about one night stands and stuff and I look at her incredulous that she
would do such a thing simply because she never struck me as the
type.

And I know all this is bollocks really. What bothers me is that he's
doing a better job than I did. I don't really want her back for reasons
far too varied and numerous to go into at this early stage. But I
messed up things that I wish I hadn't and I wish I could change because
I like to think of myself as a nice, good guy that girls miss when they
break up with me. Why would she think of me or miss me when he's doing
such a great job of being a boyfriend?

Valentine's this weekend and where is she? In Prague. With him. Paid
for by him. I can't compete with that. I'm scruffy, have no money,
cannot bestow on her the things he can. She used to come and watch
football with me down the pub and we had an okay time, and athough she
liked football, she mainly did it as a favour to me - she was being
loyal and loving. He took her to Sunderland vs Leeds the day after
Boxing Day. Yeh, real romantic, you might think. Great date - ha!
Except there was a crowd of nearly 45,000 people, Leeds won (she's from
Leeds) and it was a 3-2 thriller. I just can't compete with that.

And that's what bothers me. The guy needs an S underneath his shirt. I
need to go and drink some more. Falling apart today. No doubt about
it.