What Scares You

What scares you most is that you'll see her. Right here, right now, looking the way you do, which isn't great, I mean, let's face it. She's moved on, and she's moved on more fully than you think you'll ever be able to. It's not the idea of her new boyfriend, that he'll be better looking, or better in bed or, well, just better in general. You've seen him already, so at least that's one less nightmare scenario you have to panic about. And it wasn't so bad, all said and done. He's no Adonis, and he's no great wit either, no great conversationalist, although given the circumstances, how well do you think you fared? The point is that you managed to gather enough derogatory visual information to back up the mental argument that she's got no taste, or temporarily gone mad, or experimenting with different looking guys. Whatever, he wasn't the choice you feared, and that's the main thing.

It's not that you're afraid she'll be looking great, and happy, and like she never needed you in the first place. What scares you most is that she'll walk in here right now, right into this bar, and she'll be married or, much, much worse, pregnant. Because at the moment, in your head, she could still want to change things, even at this late stage. Boyfriends you can live with, boyfriends are transitional after all, not everlasting, not necessarily. You should know.

What scares you most is that maybe it should be your joke she's laughing at, your arm she's touching, smiling so widely her whole face lights up. What scares you most is that you feel terrible, kind of ill, kind of hungover, and you're sweating and you think you might just be about to shit yourself in public.
For everything a reason, she says.

What reason? Why everything? You look around and don't see a thing. Why does there have to be a reason? There weren't any reasons for things when you were younger and you were fine. It was fun. Having to have reasons irrevocably leads you to having problems. Why are you doing this to me? How can we be together when we act this way? How do we make each other feel like this when around other ordinary, rational people we too are ordinary, rational people? Forget reasons. Evaluations are ruthless.

What scares you most is having no idea how this will all end: everything, sky, trees, air, or if it will end too soon and you won't have seen enough. What scares you most is not knowing what you're doing, or if you're doing it wrong. Your biggest fear is that she was the one, and now you're ready, and she's moved on. What scares you most is you missed your chance, and you'll never get another. What scares you most is yourself. Your changing mood, that what you changed from right to wrong in your mind was actually right after all.

You come home at 3am and, in the dark, feel the space she used to occupy in your bed. You remember when you used to go to bed and she was already there - the soft sound of her breathing, being worried about putting your cold hands on her warm back and waking her up, and remember most of all that, although you couldn't see her, you knew she was there. That was enough somehow, it made you stronger. It made you too strong. Cocky, looking for something else, something better.
The grass is always greener for you, she said.
Why can't I just see green?

Your biggest fear is memory. So you drink so much to destroy your brain cells to blot it all out. Millions of brain cells gone at every sitting. Do that often enough and maybe you won't remember a thing, big black portions of your life only available via CCTV footage of yourself ' and if no one is with you to see you doing what you do, does it really happen? Or more to the point, does it really matter? Falling trees drop without a sound. Does what you do actually mean a thing when there's no one around to tell you what happened and you don't remember?
What scares you most is not making a mark.

You think about mahogany, about its sleek feel, the smoothness to the touch, but most of all, its colour. The intense depth of the brown, the darkness, the beauty. It somehow seems to be never ending, as though the first few inches stretch back into infinity. You watch the shine and glimmer across its inviting, yet cold, surface. Is that how you saw her, inviting, yet cold? You look along the pristine bar, every scratch and groove and imperfection seems conversely perfect. Guess the colour of her eyes? Blue, actually, but you romantically associate the intensity and depth of the dark, beautiful wood underneath your elbows with the colour of her eyes. Sea and sky seem too trite, you feel, too clichéd, so mahogany will do for now. But that is what you always do, remember? Gloss over the past, varnish it up, make it more palatable than it ever was. At least, that's what you hope you do.

What scares you most is that it was deep and you chose to focus on surface imperfections. What scares you most is that even an inanimate bar surface can tell you how wrong you were.

You see a report in a magazine about a guy like you with a girl like you once had. He says he'll never let this girl go. Know why? For exactly the reasons you did: the age difference, the kids, everything that scared you brings them closer. When you see the plane overhead on Valentine's day flying the message "Will you marry me? does it really make you feel sick inside?

Do you know what scares you the most? Waking up tomorrow and realising it's all passed you by. Or waking up when you're fifty and knowing you didn't embrace enough while you could. What scares you most is that you're writing this when you should be living. Stop being afraid. Forever endure and regret? Find Eden and release.