Day 5 – Friday

Dear DD,

Woke feeling fine until I remembered where I was and what I was doing.

To top it, twat face Salsa Dancing Chia Ball Yogering Gail was knocking on our doors at 8am to get us all up for another class of hers, this time Pilates. Is there no end to her wonders? Pilates went down like a sack of shit as LITERALLY NO ONE CAN MOVE anymore - all energy is gone from us, so trying to get us to balance on nothing but our left hip just wasn't happening. Gail obviously sensed the tension in the air as this was the first time she didn't make a lame food related joke, the sensitive bitch.

After the first juice of the day I decided to kill 30 minutes by going to the gym to hang upside down to a Gavin and Stacy DVD. 10 minutes in to it Maureen walks in, sees what I'm watching and pulls up the stepping machine (to use as a seat) to watch with me. Now, I personally would have assumed that a 64 year old Bridge playing grand mother of three from Chipping Norton would not know much about Gavin and Stacy. Maureen, on the other hand, knew more about the show than I did. Better still, she did impressions (her best one being of Ness "what's occurring James!"). Getting the giggles when you're hanging upside down listening to old Maureen quote Bryn and "Gavlar" brings a whole new meaning to the term 'abs work out'.

Leaving Maureen with the box set I went off for my first treatment of the day - a G5 lymphatic leg massage. Now this is the kind of thing they should be giving you on Day Five of a detox. Not just any old leg massage, this was done by a leg massaging machine, kind of like a miniature hand held version of a floor polisher, the kind that would polish the school hall and corridors. This machine bumps and grinds around all over your legs like they're any ones, and leaves you feeling amazing. Completely unable to walk after it mind, but amazing all the same.

From there I crawled to the kitchen for my next juice, then straight to the converted stable for my next treatment - body brushing. Quite apt that we were in the stable for this one as you are literally treated like a horse and brushed with a body brush all over. You lie down, listening to Enya, and get stroked from your big toe upwards to your Ear, then all the way back down again. This is meant to stimulate your lymph's directly under the skin which in turn stimulates circulation. For me however it stimulated the giggles, as I'm ticklish at the best of times, let alone when someone is grooming me all over in a stable. It all got a bit much and 20 minutes in to the treatment it was clear I was not going to be trotting out of that one as a happy horse, so we called it a day.

Back in the house I find the competition winners trawling through Sky looking as happy as a pair of depressives on a downer, talking about which service stations they were going to stop at on the way home. From listening to their conversation it would be easier to list which one's they're not going to stop at. As if on cue Judy walked in to start her next talk: 'Fasting in the Fast Lane'. Designed at helping us keep the detox going once we wave her goodbye tomorrow lunchtime, Judy had put together a lovely power point of practical tips and advice, such as to "take a carton of goats milk to work, and use that in your tea instead of cows" and "fight the sugar cravings by replacing the urge for a muffin with a water soaked almond". You know, just the usual, practical stuff. She had littered her power point with photo examples of good foods and bad foods as well. I really should have told her that things like this do nothing for her popularity.

From Judy on to Gordon, I mean Herman, for our next raw food demonstration. This time it was how to make banana ice cream, which basically consisted of taking one banana, freezing it, then putting it through a juicer. I mean, the man should write a fucking book.

Broth was then served with a side alternative to crisps - massive dried sea weed leaves. At the time of eating they were amazing as they needed loads of chewing, but in hindsight they were rubbery and purple and smelt wrong - it was a bit like chewing your way through a bowl of the scented pauperise that you granny has sitting on the bathroom shelf. When in Rome, I guess.

Very quiet evening watching Hancock and chewing my way through the rest of the sea weed, livened only by a slightly manic step Granny Gail who had discovered that the kitchen had been left unlocked. After a comedy pause where everyone looked at each other for about half a second, the group on mass ran to the fridge and gorged on a strawberry or two! I've done mid night feast before, but none have ever tasted this good.

Two juices to go...

X