It's all about you

I found a letter you wrote me last night. It made me cry. Hot, fierce tears that cascaded down my face. i couldn't stop them. You are my biggest regret. The way things ended prematurely, before we'd had a chance. But then at sixteen how was i to know what love was, how was i to know i loved you truely.

On one hand not being with you meant i could go out, experience the world and really live. I travelled the world, Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, South Africa, Australia. I wanted to see everything, know everything and fill my head with so much that i wouldn't notice the costant loneliness in my heart and the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. On the other hand i knew i missed you. Everyday that i was away you were on my mind. You were the person i called that horrible day in Thailand when i was left on my own. Completely alone, completely scared and completely longing for you to come and rescue me.

Everyone says at sixteen you are too young to have a serious relationship, too young to fall in love. But all these years later and i know i've never felt the so strongly for any other human being, and we both know there have been a few. I know you are my soulmate and i know we are supposed to be together. I've loved you from the day i met you, i remember it well. I first saw you a few years before, i was at my brothers football award ceremony and there you were receiving an award too. I watched you get up onto that stage with your big grin and all your family watching and i knew one day you would be mine. You see i've always known, there's always been something there between you and i.

We had mutual friends growing up, i don't know if you ever realised, i don't think you even knew my name at this point. But i knew yours and hearing my friends talk about you always felt like a knife twisting into my heart. But it wasn't the right time. I didn't know if we'd ever be ready but one day fate brought us together.

Ah the school play. I can't even remember the name now. That's a lie, i remember everything, i relive it over and over again. I guess it was the typical boy meets girl story. You told your friend whom i was also friends with that you liked me, i told him that i liked you back. After many months of flirting and texting and hour long phone calls every night you finally did it. You asked me out. Is it sad i remember it perfectly? Usually we walked home from rehearsal together, this day there was some confusion and as i thought you had already left i went home with some other friends. You phoned me before i had even walked in the door. It had hardly been twenty minutes but already i missed you.

We fell hard and fast, or i did anyway. Sometimes i think if only i had met you when i was a little older, a little more experienced and a little more mature things would have worked out better. I tested you, i was scared by these intense and overwhelming emotions i was having. I guess maybe i tried to push you away but i wanted you to pull me right back to you.

Our first date: I went to your house to help you babysit your younger brother, do you remember? You were so good with him, i think maybe i fell in love with you then. I couldn't help it, i thought you were perfect. Now i know you are far from perfect but still you are perfect for me. That evening was so special, i met your family, adored your little brother and when he had gone to bed we spent our time cuddled up on the sofa kissing. God i loved kissig you, you were so soft, so gentle. How did you do it so perfectly? I'd have believed anything you ever said. You could have told me anything but already i was so head over heels in love with you that i just wouldn't have cared.

But of course happy endings are just for fairy tales and soppy fillms you see on tv. It didnt last, we were too young. I guess everyone was right, well we let them be didn't we? But i haven't given up yet. Why is it we are always drawn to each other? Why have i never been able to say no to you? I'd still do anything for you. Sure, i've had boyfriends since, i'd even go as far as to say i've been in love since but it always comes back to you. It's always been all about you. How do you do that? You are my everything and i don't know how to change that. Are we supposed to be together? Sometimes i'm so sure we are, but then at other times i think maybe we have been all we can be for each other. We learnt a lot from each other, about who we are, what we want from life and what we want from love. Maybe really thats all you are supposed to be to me. But then why does that feel so wrong? Why does it feel like i'm always waiting... waiting for you to come back to me. Waiting for you to realise you do love me and you do want me. But i'm not so sure you'll ever realise. I'm not so sure you'll ever admit it again, to yourself, to me or to anyone else. Maybe too much has happened. Maybe i'm already too late.