BUS STOP

The scene is a bus stop. There are three or four people in the queue
who have nothing to do with the action but who may react to each other
according to direction. We can hear the sound of traffic off-stage. The
first man is already at the back of the queue when man number two joins
him. Both middle-aged, both wearing suits that are a little worse for
wear and ties that have been continuously slipped on and off without
re-tying. Working men who have always believed that a suit is the
proper thing to wear for work. One of them has some cotton threads
clinging to his jacket or trousers to denote their tailoring
profession.

BUS STOP

"Has there been a two-five-three or a two-four-nine gone past?"

"How should I know, I've only just got here"

"I thought you was here before me"

"How could I be here before you, I was on the same train as you."

"Was you? I didn't see you."

"You know I was. I got on the same train as you at Oxford Circus and I
got off at Liverpool Street, same as you."

"Where were you?"

"What d'you mean where was I? I was on the train with you. The central
line."

"I hate that train. I hate the tube and the busses. I wish I could work
in Hackney so I could walk to work."

"You're taking half of it home with you. Look, you've got bits of
cotton on your trousers."

"So, who's looking? Where you in front of me or behind me?"

"When?"

"On the tube."

"I was standing right next to you, you shmock."

"Yeah? Well I didn't see you."

"What d'you mean, you didn't see me? You were talking to me."
"Was I? What did I say?"

"What d'you mean 'what did I say?' how do I know what you said, you
talk such a load of rubbish I never take any notice of anything you
say."

"So how d'you know it was me?"

"How do I know it was you what?"

"How do you know it was me talking to you? If you never listen to what
I say how d'you know it was me talking? It could have been anyone
talking to you. It could've been someone else."

"You need professional help d'you know that? You're sick d'you know
that? You're sick in the head."

"Well I've got things on my mind."

"Things? What things? What're you chunterring on about now?"

"I'm upset. He annoyed me. He upset me".

"Who upset you?"

"Him, that geezer."

"What geezer?"

"Him. That geezer, the one with the jacket."

"Oh, him. The new manager."

"Manager? What are you talking about? What manager? He's not the
manager."

"He is, he's the new manager. They appointed him the manager."

"Who did? Who appointed him? Who said he's the manager?"

"They did. They brought round and introduced him to everyone. They said
he's the new manager."

"When? Nobody introduced him to me. When did they bring him
round?"

"Last week."

"Well I never saw him."

"It was last Thursday; you weren't in. you had to go your
sister-in-law's funeral."

"Ah yes, so I did. It was a shame about Hettie."

"What's the matter with her?"

"Nothings the matter with her, she's dead."

"Oh, so she's the one who died?"

"Of course she's the one who died. We wouldn't have buried her if she
wasn't dead would we? Why don't you listen? Sometimes I wonder why I
bother talking to you."

"So why is it a shame about her, you told me she was ill for a long
time?"

"She was and it was a shame; the poor woman suffered."

"Poor woman! What poor woman? You hated her."

"No, no, I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say I hated her."

"But you said she never spoke a word to you for twenty-five
years."

"Well, we had a sort of disagreement."

"About what?"

"I don't remember but something must have annoyed her. She got upset
about something."

"That was some upset to last twenty-five years. Anyway, you were
telling me about the new manager."

"What new manager? Oh, you mean that geezer. Right, well, I was sitting
there getting on with my work. Now, you know me; when I work, I work. I
don't mess about. I might have a conversation with you or one of the
others whilst I'm working but I get on with the job in hand. I don't
mess about."

"You're a good worker."

"I know I am."

"So what happened?"

"Well, I was getting on with my work when I noticed that geezer
standing there clocking me."

"What d'you mean, clocking you?"

"Clocking me, watching me, looking at me. Don't you understand
English?"

"Oh, I thought you meant he was clocking you. Y'know, sort of time and
motion kind of, with a watch and a clipboard."

"He didn't have a clipboard."

"'Cause they're not allowed to do that, y'know. Not without union
agreement."

"What are you going on about now? I'm telling you about the geezer and
you're rabbitting on about unions. I never mentioned unions; I never
said a word about unions. What's unions got to do with it?"

"I'm only telling you."

"Well stop telling me and listen. Are you listening?"

"So tell me".

"He was standing there, clocking me, looking at me. He never said a
word. So I looked straight back at him and I said, very politely,' yes,
can I help you?' Now you know me. I'm very polite; no matter how rude
someone is to me I'm always polite."

"I'm saying nothing. So then what?"

"Well, he looks at me and he says, calm as you please 'what are you
doing'?"

"Is that what he said? What did you say?"

" I looked straight back at him; I looked him straight in the eye and I
says to him 'I'm basting out armholes, is that all right with
you'?"

"So what did he say?"

"Nothing. What could he say? Shook him rigid, he was stunned. He just
turned and walked away. He won't start on me again in a hurry.
Ah, here it comes now, there's two of them. Go for the one behind,
there's more room, it's empty."

"Upstairs or downstairs?"

"Either, I don't mind."

"Well, say what you want. Up or down?"

"I don't care. Up, down, what's the difference? Up, go upstairs; I can
smoke."

"That smoking's no good for you, you know. It'll kill you, you know
that don't you?"

"So, what d'you care?"