Deliberately Altered

I walk the city streets
with a slow and confident
seeming stride

I sit in the coffee house and read the investments page
acting as if I comprehend
what they truly mean

I tell my friends and family
that everything is going great
I tell my lover that she makes me feel
like I am on cloud nine

When someone explains to me the difficulty they have
with their spouse
their friend or their foe
I tell them I understand and act as If I know

I brag on about the fact
that I play chess and never lose a game
I tell my friends I am fantastic
but soon realize I am
just being vein
I show perfect strangers
my expensive watch
when they ask for the time
though the watch I show them
wanting to give them the impression that I am successful
is not even mine

I act as if my life is fine and that I am happy with what I have
I tell people that I have no regrets
and I am accepting of decisions
I have made in the past
I tell my family I enjoy their company
but that feeling never lasts
It never lasts because
really what I feel
is like a fraud
wearing a deceptive mask

I simulate stories to make them seem exciting
I create artificial experiences
to make it seem like I am more worthy
then I feel I actually am

My outer emotions are phony
fraudulent and fake
Lies and deceptions are things
that I often times create

I try to be something that really I am not
I fear someday soon I just might get caught

I cannot be what others wish for me to be
Nor can longer stand
The fact that no matter what I do
I always felt like half a man

I am empty inside, void and never inspired
I never feel good enough
nor do I ever feel a sense of true desire
I have no wish to be anything more then I really am
a simple
lonely
stupid man
whom within there
is no fire

The only things that are inside
are deep hurts and pains from my past
I need to stop pretending
or I fear this may be my last

word to you or to myself

This really has to end
I am tired of living all these lies
these forged ways of which I depend
I want to be a big man
strong and one who never falls
I fear that when it all ends
there will be nothing left at all.

Nothing left to fake or pretend
Nothing to fabricate or create
Nothing to help me change and realize
that I must get out of this state

The state of mind that has convinced me
that I am of little worth
The state of mind that convinces me
All I will ever do
is hurt
Hurt so much but never
let anyone ever see
The simple
stupid man
I have come to be