Surprise Park

I pray to God every day. First, I start with the Lord's prayer. After that, I say the serenity prayer, which I originally heard when I went to NA. Then, I pray for myself. I ask that God fill me with His wisdom and knowledge. I ask for patience, compassion, and understanding. I also pray that I am calm and void of anxiety, as well as for the ability to speak as I act, and to act as I speak. I usually pray for the same things for myself, but it does change depending on my behavior and experience of the day that just passed. I work with children, so it varies. After I pray about myself I pray for others that are having a difficult time and need someone to pray for them. Then I go back to myself. I try to avoid praying for me as I have a problem with guilt and believe that I deserve anything "bad" that happens. I am completely aware that this is wrong. God loves me and only wants the best for me. He does not think as we think and He does not do as we do. When I do pray for myself, big or small, God always comes through. He has a neverending grace towards me and is always there when I need Him. Every day a prayer is answered. Every day He comes through for me. Sometimes it is not in the way I expect, but as I just mentioned, God does not act as we do. He is supernatural and more powerful then anyone could ever imagine. We will never know the depths of His love for us until we see Him face to face. No matter what though, He is always there for me and always has been.

Since I have been back from Vancouver, I have had a deep desire to connect with my big brother. We were never very close and during most of my life, especially when I was a child, he was very cruel and abusive towards me. Despite this reality, I have such a longing to be with him, and to share time with him. I came back from Vancouver almost five years ago and I can count on one hand how many times we have seen each other. I do not know why he has avoided me for so long. I have tried several times to get together with him, but seem to always fail. He wrote me a beautiful note when I was away. He shared with me how much he loved me. How much he hurt, knowing I was sick. He even told me that he thought I was the "smartest" of all the family and to not let the past get to me. In his letter to me, he asked that I stop hurting myself, and told me how he wished there was something he could do to help. It was such a beautiful letter and I will never forget it. The problem was that when I did finally come "home," we never got together. He knew where I lived and never once made any attempt to contact me. Like some of my other family members, this was not unusual. It was usually me who contacted others. My relationship with each and every one of my family members is (minus a few brickheads) just fine. Despite my past, despite all the hurts, my family relationships have all been repaired. Forgiveness of past "hurts" is the reason that my relationships are the way they are today. Forgiveness and God. Had God not guided me and loved me as He did and does every day, I would not even be breathing, never mind having relationships with my family. As I had mentioned before, He has always been here and always will be here to help me and guide me to becoming the best I can be.

The only real problem I had was with my brother. I called, and he never a returned a message. I e-mailed, but not much was accomplished this way either. I would ask other family to let him know I wanted to get together, but still little or no response came from it. The past few months though I have seen him "around." My brother often spent time with my mom and sister and I did have the pleasure of seeing him a few times this way, but over all, there was still no contact.

I am not certain as to the reason for his inability to contact me or see or see me, and though I have been hurt several times by this reality, I never gave up or thought ill of him. I was usually filled with a feeling of deep sadness for him. Sadness that our childhood and early adulthood resulted in many scars and inner demons. Though I knew that he had some issues that may have directly affected our relationship, I still could not find a valid reason for him to completely avoid me. I have spent much time trying to figure it out, but came up with nothing. At least nothing extreme enough that he felt a need to avoid me like the plague. I never did anything to directly hurt him specifically. I don't remember much of anything, except that letter he sent me over five years ago. I could not comprehend what the problem was. I continue to have this need to be with my brother and to get together with him. I felt an empty space in my heart that should have been filled with thoughts and memories of him and I sharing time with one another. I continued to pray to God and ask him that he help heal my wounded heart and figure out a way to see my brother. I prayed for him to call me on the phone or mail me a card. Anything would have sufficed. Anything at all. Even if one day we went for a coffee or drink.

Come to think of it, we did go out long ago. He came to my place and we went for a Slurpee. I remember now. It was awesome. I was so happy and pleased that he came over. It was not a long time, I barely even finished my drink before we departed, but I was so happy!!!! As I write this, little memories pop up in my head of times I have seen him since being back. More then the initial five fingers on one hand. Actually, I saw him at least ten times or so, but the time we went for a Slurpee was the only time we had really spent alone. All the other times were by accident, while I went to see my mom and my sister and he just happened to be there. I also saw him each Christmas time since my coming home. Though I did "see" him a few times, my heart longed to have a closer relationship with him. I longed for the phone to ring and hear his voice on the other end.

I prayed every day for God to figure something out. That is where the serenity prayer comes in. Accept the things I cannot change. This rang true for my relationship with my brother. No matter how hard I tried I was never successful at reaching him. We had a few short e-mail messages back and forth for what seemed like forever, but that was the extent of it. I could never figure out why he had the time to see my mom and sister often (usually weekly), who lived miles away, and avoided contact with me, when I was closer in distance to him then anyone. I had a phone and a e-mail address too. I even had people at my place of employment who knew him and still our contact with one another was as if I lived thousands of light years away.

Finally, one day my magnificent husband and I were going for a bike ride through the park. As we rode our bicycles by all the parked cars, an image caught my eye. It was a familiar image and one that I had just recently seen. My brother had contacted me through e-mail and sent me some pictures. One of them was of him wearing a brownish kind of t- shirt. This was what caught my eye. It was my brother, wearing the same shirt as in the picture. He was sitting on a bench with his girlfriend, who I had spent some time talking to a few weeks prior when we had went to my mom's for a long weekend. She was really nice and we all had a fairly good time talking with one another. When I realized it was definitely my brother, I rode towards the picnic table with sheer excitement and thankfulness towards God for placing us together at that moment. I was a little frazzled, but eventually ended up parking my bike, sitting down next to his girlfriend and started talking. Andrey joined us and the next thing you know, we were all engaged in a conversation about life and things that have been going on.

I thought to myself that God must be working for me a little more then usual today, and prayed to Him with thanks. We all talked for a long time, longer then I ever remembered speaking with my brother. It was awesome, natural and free and easy. I did not feel uneasy like I did so long ago when it came to being with my brother. I did not feel judged or belittled. I did not feel embaressed or ignorant. I felt absolutely wonderful. We all spoke like four mature adults. There was no power trip or conceit. It was the best conversation with someone else other then my husband that I have had for some time, and this was not any conversation with any old person. It was a beautiful conversation with my big brother. Eventually we all felt it was time to continue our day and began to depart. We said our goodbyes and I of course mentioned too many times how glad I was to see them and talk with them. At the end of the conversation I made one last attempt to remind my brother to contact me so we could spend time with one another. Maybe together with the four of us. Whatever we decided, I knew and was filled with faith that we would see one another again. I was so happy and I felt so blessed. I thanked God a billion times and kept a smile on my face for awhile even after they drove away.

Once again, God came through. He always does, but sometimes not the way we expect him to. He answered my prayer, not in the time I wanted him to, but when he felt it was right. Only God knows when it is time to answer prayers and how. He is the only one in the world with this knowledge and wisdom. He is the only one in the world that will be there for you when it seems everyone else around you has failed or given up. God has answered so many of my prayers, at least one a day, and I can never express what his love does to me. It is not easy to explain. It is not easy to describe. The reason for this is that if he is all supernatural, all loving. all forgiving and all compassionate. He is wise and knowledgeable beyond our comprehension.

The inability to describe God's love for me is a good thing. It proves that it indeed was God who answered my prayer that day, and God could never be fully explained or defined. That's the beauty of Him. He goes beyond the boundaries that we as humans have set up for ourselves. He goes beyond all logic and reason. That is why He is God. The only God. The real God. The best God the world has ever known and will know, that is why his name is God.