Restroom Snapshots

ON THE IMPORTANCE OF GOOD RESTROOMS IN A BAR OR CAFE, WITH
DEFINITION OF GOOD

As a title that can't astound anyone into reading my views. Not only is
the value of a decent toilet self-evident, but everyone has had a bad
experience in a public restroom that gave them the subsequent judgement
to react strongly and accurately the minute they walk into one. We can
eliminate any such banal readers quickly by stating the obvious: a
restroom in a bar should be sufficiently clean, and it should have
working plumbing, toilet paper, and a seat. Thank you, the end.

Are they gone? Have I gotten rid of all those readers who go to pubs or
cafes to meet people, to talk, to eat, to have one beer, and yet who
nonetheless feel qualified to understand anything sincere I might
express? Good riddance.

Because who, after all, uses the restroom most in such establishments,
and with the most experience? Obviously, those who come there with the
greatest frequency and independent sense of purpose: the Drunks. This
essay is henceforth concerned with elucidating their special needs, and
giving praise where praise is due.

Why do we Drunks go to the restroom so often? Because our bladders are
keeping up with our livers, working triple-time for the pride of the
onslaughtered body. The livers of Drunks are incidentally in high
demand among transplant centers, for the same reason an army general is
always nominated chief-of-staff: for grace under fire.

But we don't only go to the toilet to piss, we go to sober up. We go
because we can't understand the conversation at the table any more. We
go for the constitutional walk. We go for the new atmosphere and cold
water. And we are thus deserving of a certain respect in design.

Of primary importance is that there be multiple facilities. The Drunk
does not go to the toilet to wait in line. We Drunks go to the toilet
for a sense of sobriety, and this is not achieved by trying to stand in
one place for more than 30 seconds without teetering, collapsing, or
puking. Furthermore, a Drunk does not want to hang with strangers, or
cannot be trusted to, especially if they are girl strangers (notorious
line-makers at restrooms). This especially if the Drunk is female. So
the right installation can receive more than 2 occupants.

I think however that the light is most crucial. A good WC has blinding
light, reminding the Drunk of that quality of sunlight he might find on
his face around noon on a Sunday that drives him from bed with the
incontrovertible evidence of the hope-filled new day that came in spite
of all his previsions against it the previous night. A dimly-lit toilet
on the other hand evokes all too realistically the Drunk's actual state
of mind, to his detriment.

The actual color of the walls and floors and toilets are too seldom
designed by Drunks. Florescent colors, naturally discomfitting to sober
people, are very salutary to the inebriated. I read once a sci-fi book
where people had plugs in their heads for electrical charges that
cleared their minds, and this is the effect of harsh colors under
bright lights. The floors and facilities should have that
matter-of-fact, trustworthy, impregnable quality that a Drunk looks for
in his friends. Cement is good, as is polished aluminum.

Because yes, the toilet should be clean, have paper and a seat. But
more profoundly, it should be cleanable, so the Drunk can make a mess
without feeling ashamed. Or the previous Drunk may have made a mess
that the next Drunk sincerely doesn't want to see. So a good toilet has
bowls and walls without too many curves or corners, and big tiles or no
tiles on the floor for quick and easy mopping. The paper has to be in
such abundance that if the guilt-ridden Drunk decides to do his own
cleaning he's got what it takes, at least for his face and shoes.

The smell is part of the cleanliness, but it's a special part.
Obviously we don't want to smell shit or vomit. But we also don't want
to smell some really powerful bleach or lime or pine atrocity that will
stay in our noses through the hang-over. The smell of detergent should
be there, bracing, minty ideally, but not overbearing. I've been in
bars where you can't even sit near the toilet, so much it smells like a
trucker's new dangling porno mirror freshener.

And finally, only an idiot sadist would install a hot-air hand-dryer in
a Drunk restroom. A blast of warm air is the last straw, really,
whereas paper towels could prove especially fortunate. I saw the most
nefarious effects of the infernal engine on a drunk friend who managed
the distance to the toilet on his hands and knees, but while trying to
use the wall as assistance in rising to the sink, bumped his head on
the hand-dryer which automatically went off, evaporating all his good
intentions. He repeated this cycle 3 times before someone less drunk
than myself arrived to direct his recovery so he could drive us home.
The unique presence of lukewarm water displays the same obtuseness of
people who layout cafe restrooms for diaper-changing. Drunks need cold
water to rinse their hands, faces, heads, and shirts.

Even with all my experience, I wouldn't have such sensible and concrete
recommendations if I had not seen a few examples so ideal that they
actually left a mark on my memory. After all, sober people consistently
disregard Drunks with impunity, taking cowardly advantage of the
probability that their victims will forget the cruelty to which they
have been subjected. Hence the scarcity of well-adapted
restrooms.

My favorite toilet of all time is in the M?re-la-Chaise Bistrot in the
20th district of Paris. I go there to work with people on their
writing, and I have consistently found that I can drink more and write
longer than in any other location in the city. The lighting in the cafe
is dim, here red and there grey, so entering the restroom is like a
slap in the face. The walls are electric green and the floors are
cement. It's true they have a hand-dryer, but it's high enough to dry
hair as well. But the best part is that on the big green doors to the
pots there are no cute silhouettes, no 19th century plaques. Just
simple huge silver letters HO (hommes, for men) and FE (femmes, for
women). After 3 bottles of wine these indications have that fundamental
no-nonsense, all-is-relative attitude that really makes a tipsy person
stand up straight and take care of business.