This is what happened the morning after

we huddle to daniel like suckling animals, three overgrown
sleepyheads, and he begins to read...as the words drift around the
room, each of us is lost to our own thoughts, only broken by periodic
movements of duvet to cover cold body parts.

as much as i try, i can't lose myself to the story. i have already
awoken once before on this same morning, unfurling arms from a body
which, although i had never held it before that night, had become
achingly familiar...i had watched him rearrange his clothing, and had
squinted my eyes looking for his glasses. i had been no help...as he
left, my arms had outstretched to him. i can't remember what happened
next..i think maybe he hugged me, or kissed me on the forehead. see you
later he had said...then gone...i had then slipped back into
unconsciousness after an undeveloped idea about joining whoever was
sleeping in my bed; it had become cold, hard and lonely on the
floor.

the memory seems distant now. i roll it around my head with wonder...a
secret story I have to keep repeating to myself so its really real, and
where the details, for now at least, belong only to me and him...i
furnish the others with the soundbites they require; little (edited)
nuggets of gossip: ...yes I did snog him...no nothing else...yes he's
gone now, he had to do something today, can't remember what...they
laugh at me...don't they understand how serious this is?....i
periodically wail omigod omigod what have I done? to present an
appropriate face, but when it comes down to it, I can't help but
somehow feel secretly smug. I never thought cheating on my boyfriend
would be like this.

daniel carries on reading the story of fungus the bogeyman to us and we
are comfortable; the remnants of a group who went out for what was
supposed to be only a few drinks the night before; my best friend daisy
is resting her head on his left knee, I am on the right one and his
friend rob is curled at our feet.

daisy is feeling very self-satisfied, huddling in the duvet and
contemplating how morally superior she is to me...despite being my
guest for the weekend, she has spent the night comfortably in daniel's
room, having been the only one sober enough to realise, as we all
crashed on my bedroom floor, that noone was in daniel's bed...being
daisy, she obviously took full advantage of this opportunity...

daniel hadn't noticed her when, at four thirty, he woke up and decided
to return to his room...he had fumblingly removed trousers, t-shirt and
joined her before he realised...but this didn't really matter as they
slipped naturally into a cuddle, which shifted in its caresses but
never peaked into something regrettable...it could have though, and
daisy is feeling very proud as she contemplates her rather cliched but
effective line i'm not going to have a one night stand with you because
you and I are both better than that...daniel had been impressed by
that, and she relishes his appreciation, trying to block out those
tinges of feeling that she maybe actually would have quite liked to
have given in to temptation...

daniel now concentrates on his reading. he is reasonably content,
apparently being the centre of attention for his friends...he can't
resist making a few crude remarks about my behaviour: ...they were
bogey balls and therefore not round and consequently rolled about in a
promiscuous fashion...hey, i know someone else who rolls around in a
promiscuous fashion, eh jenny? i wail in protest; the consequences of
my actions finally becoming real to me...a clamour of attention and I
fade into misery...the others go back to their thoughts...

rob is thinking up witty ways to tease ian, who lives with him. he will
leave me for now, as I do seem quite upset, but he knows from
experience how quickly you get over these things and will start the
double entendres in a couple of days...he's glad that he has such good
gossip to concentrate on, as it makes up for the fact that he is the
only one of us who slept alone last night. he almost had company, for
as I later discovered, it was him who had been in my bed all night but
he and I are both grateful that didn't happen...

we are all yawning. daisy was the first up, and is solely responsible
for disturbing the rest of us from our deep sleeping, but she has been
forgiven on the grounds that she brought coffee and toast. noone has
eaten any of it though. gradually, other people drift in and out,
bemused by our group and entertained further with the new gossip. i
laugh with them now: it is calm after the excitement of the night
before and i am still some distance from the turbulence of the
consequences. at this moment of peace we are all essential to each
other...my friends. life is good.