A coward

In the spring of 1967 I graduated from high school. For most of my
friends it was a time of great anticipation with perhaps, a little fear
and sadness in the mix. For me though there was only fear.
The day was coming when I would have to tell my father that I intended
to flee the country to avoid the Vietnam War. I knew that on that day I
would be forced to tell him that I was running away not out of a sense
of moral outrage over an unjust war but, because I was a coward.
I knew that it would not be easy to explain that to a man who had
served with great valor in two wars, Korea and Vietnam and, who was in
fact about to embark on yet another tour in Vietnam.
I watched nervously as the car pulled into the driveway. I didn't
really know what I was going to say to him. My mother had very little
to say to him, that had been true ever since he left one mourning
without a word, sending a friend of his a week later to pick up his
clothes.
Mother made us a nice lunch and then a friend of hers "unexpectedly"
dropped by and invited her to go shopping, just as it always happened
when dad came around. I stood and watched him as he sat down in his
favorite chair, which he had bought during the first year of marriage
to my mother.
Finally, without even knowing I was going to do it I found myself
telling him, "Dad I am going to Canada, I know I don't have the guts to
fight in a war so I am just going to run away, I'm going to run away
because I am a coward".
He looked up at me with those steely blue eyes; even sitting down his
six foot three inch frame was imposing, every inch the solider. I was
terrified, not because I thought he might hit me, he had never raised a
hand to me, but because I thought he had just lost the last ounce of
respect that he had for me, if indeed there had ever been any.

When he finally did speak, it was somewhat halting, not the fury I had
expected. "So you think you're a coward" he began "why's that"?
"I am afraid to go to war; I am afraid to fight, doesn't that make me
a coward"? With that I turned away unable to face him any longer.
He stood there for a moment seeming to ponder my last question then,
finally he replied. " Did you ever wonder why I left your mother, I
mean the real reason why"?
I was very surprised, almost shocked by the question. We had never
discussed the reasons for his leaving; I had always just assumed that
he and mother just weren't getting along for some reason. "No " I
replied, "I guess I just never thought about it".
"I left your mother because I am a coward, because I didn't have the
guts to accept the responsibility of raising a family. One of the
things that I have always admired about you is that I believe I see in
you the ability to accept that responsibility.

Well I began "that is not the same thing" "that is the same thing" he
replied, almost shouting.

He took a moment to calm himself then he continued, "You must
understand that there are many kinds of courage, the ability to face
physical danger is only one, some would argue the least important one.
I looked at him skeptically then he added you don't believe it?
Think about it, how many times will the average person have to face
real danger in their lives? For most people not many, but the courage
to face life's day to day responsibilities, most importantly if you're
a man, the courage to be a good husband and father well, that type of
courage I lack, but I think I see it in you, if I am right then that
makes you a better man than me.

I didn't dare speak for fear that if I did I would not be able to stop
the tears from coming. The last thing I wanted was to cry in front of
him. When he finally broke the silence once again he surprised
me.
Now he began "I am going to tell you how it's going to be. You are not
going to run to Canada, by god. I think I have enough influence to get
you a college deferment. You always said you wanted to be a doctor, is
that still true? I nodded. Good, you go to college.
When you graduate I think I can arrange for the government to pay your
way through medical school in exchange for, you're spending a few years
working in a veterans hospital. That way you won't have to fight or
kill anyone and you can still serve your country, like a man.
After that you can start yourself a medical practice somewhere and try
and find yourself a good woman. Then you can begin proving that I was
right when I said you are a better man then I, ok?
Ok I replied barely able to manage a whisper. With that he looked at
his watch and said "hey were missing the football game'! He turned the
game on then came over and sat down beside me, I had never felt so
close to him. He will always have my respect and for the first time,
that day, I finally realized that I had his.