Wine List

Valle de la Nez Brun Blancity-Blanc:
More than just plonk,
this is a shagathon for the conk.
Tainted by the heady funk
of plump
Barons, and the wild romp
of horses ridden by the Comte
de Beaucoup-Moolah, you can't
help but plant
your snout in the daint-
y buttocks of this wealth-stained
grape and taste its pungent wind.

Amazon Cruches-Robustes Quatre-Vingt-Dix Neuf:
A generous, tough
mouthful of muff,
caveated by the distinct whiff
of Bertha Harris, rife
with Susan Sontag and troubled by the wraith
of Sylvia Plath.
Great to get plas-
tered on or stash
in one's pants, or wash
with when drunk or lost.

Rise Vantard de Chateau Coujon:
A dévergondé, delicate fusion
of the entire Industrial Revolution
and hot metal shards. Spumes of Rasputin
add a beardy tranche d'amour to the sweatstain
of deep shame
that caps this wine's coiff of manjam-
glazed country ham.

St. Fuming Creek, Stoneridge:
There is a poetry to this vintage,
which has been distilled for centuries at the world's edge
by mooks. Facétieux, fresh
grapes are pummelled with giant fish,
then the wine is kept in special chausettes until the ninth solstice,
by which time it has been lost. An empty case
is dispatched, as a gesture of good faith,
to Perth,
where oenophiles savour each word
written on the label, and say, "Merde.