Women of the Loo

When the pressure builds up, and your bladder is about to explode, when your eyes are blinded by dancing black spots, when you think that you will just collapse trying to hold it in, then you rush to the loo and realize that it is occupied by the formidable' Women of the Loo.'

They occupy the innards of the women's toilet. They stay there waiting for their innocent prey and when they hear the prey approaching they rush to the loo and lock themselves inside refusing to come out until the prey collapses.
Then there are certain other kinds of women who even on emerging try to kill their prey through other battle strategies. Let me enlighten you about possible war strategies against just elements.

When you desperately need to empty your bladder then the one kind of woman you should not come across is the 'Emotional Wreck.'
This kind of the woman sub species has always gotten herself into a situation in which she has to vent out her sorrow, of being dumped by her boyfriend, by crying in the loo. Now if you are stuck outside then you have to prepare for battle by acting as a marriage counsellor. If she asks you whether you too have been dumped by your boyfriend then the right thing to do it say yes , insult them in as many different words if possible,and tell her that men are not worth shedding tears over . Finally the door will open but this is not the end because she is most likely to cry over your shoulder. To avoid being her handkerchief you can use the shoulder dip technique or the leap frog technique to get past her. Most likely there might be a shortage of toilet paper when you do get in.

Now the second kind of Loo Woman that you have to stay on the look out for are the 'Smoking Chimneys.' Now most offices and public areas are no smoking zones, so these women hide in the loo and smoke. You just have to wait until there cigrette gets over, no persistent banging will get them out. They are very emotional about their smokes and you might hear a love sonnet being sung inside.They are the Ma'adams of the bunch and will give you the snooty look and ash there way past you as if doing you a favor by letting you go. However you will have to enter the loo wearing a gas mask. And most often the fire brigade comes and pulls you out and locks you up even though you insist that it was not you who had committed the crime.

Then there are the' Stink Bombs' these ladies are mousey looking and rather nervous by nature. Though there duration in the loo is short lived yet it is lethal, they announce their exit from the loo by a spongy bomb blast. You really dont want to go in immediately, the poisonous gases emitted by these creatures are rather lethal, I would suggest you wait for a couple of minutes, 5 to be precise before you entre, other wise the stink would transport you to the third dimension, very difficult to get back without a time machine.

Then the fourth of its kind are the 'Gossip Mongers.' These women do not care if you have died outside the door. They sit inside and gossip on their phones. I would suggest that you take a tea break and then come back. The worst approach would be if you too start talking on your phone, I highly forbid it, because it will only initiate competition and she will make one call after the other. After that the only way to reach her is make a phone call to her, if you have her number, and tell her that there is a sale at Marks and Spencers.

Then there are those who kill their prey by acting in twos.They do not actually occupy the loo but stand guard at the entrance. These are called the 'Makeup Boxes.' They make trenches in front of the loo door by emptying out piles of makeup from their purses. Then they just stand there painting their faces while you almost pee in your pants, however be patient this is also a war strategy and the best thing to do is start using their makeup without their permission. They will get angry and leave the battle field in a hurry.

Then there are the 'Mem' saabs.' Their war strategy is that they wear their sarees in such a way that it keeps unravelling. They also do not occupy the loo but guard the entrance by piling up their saree in front of the door. Then they stand there and involve you in a conversation on how to best tie a saree. If you try to get past you are most likely to get entangled and die of suffocation. The most intelligent thing to do here would be to tell them that you know how to tie a saree and then actually tie them up together. But this procedure is highly tricky and it would be beneficial if your predator is stupid.

Now if you get past the above then the Women in the loo are most likely to send their whole battalion to dispose you of. This is called the 'Line Strategy.' As the name suggests there will be a long line of women in front of the loo, this line at an average can go as far as 5 kilometers, but then it can be longer. There is no way you can get to the loo by being nice and standing in the que. The best possible way to get to the door is, when you here the flush go inside , you bend your head taking the raging bull position and ram through the line, and get in fast, these women are feeble and will fall on either side easily. The only draw back to this strategy is that you will most probably be killed if you step out after relieving yourself, it would be better to spend then night in the loo.