Asphyxiated

Fucking cancer, fucking disease. I want to take cancer by the throat and strangle it until it chokes and dies. Instead, I find my fingers wrapped around the neck of the man I love squeezing as hard as I can feeling the veins throb between my thumbs and forefingers. His face swells and reddens and I feel like a murderer. I close my eyes and press into the soft bits between muscles that are pumping and bulging, pushing on the backs of my knuckles. I look down at my hands horrified. I can’t, can’t. I feel my fingers relax and I let go.
He’s asleep now. He probably thinks it was a bad dream. His bruised neck tells another story but there are no mirrors in the house now that he’s home. He’ll never know. I walk into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. I switch on the kettle, waiting for the bubbles and steam that will warm and soften my face as I lean forwards towards the spout. The tea in the relative’s room was a disgrace. Tepid chemicals with a splash of long-life milk. That’ll give you cancer, all those chemicals. I buy only organic food now. Chicken, carrots, potatoes. They’re double the price but you can feel the goodness as you chew.
Tests and more tests. That’s all the hospital ever did for him. How many tests does one person need? I said to my David they should let him be. ‘Mum’ he’d say in that patronising voice ‘They can do all sorts now. Let the doctors do their job’. I looked at Len, all tubes and white sheets. He looked so small, my big husband reduced to this. He didn’t need tests, he needed to come home and rest. Rest in peace. Six months it took before they agreed with me.
We have a little routine now. I gave up my job and a carer comes in two afternoons a week so that I can get some shopping done and have a little breather. I have a wobble every now and then but Len is always there to put me straight. Blinking his reassurance. Once or twice I’ve found myself lying on his chest stroking my own hair sobbing. Daft cow.
He asked me to do it. Asked me with those eyes of his. Constant pain he was in without an ounce of pity for himself, he wasn’t bred that way. I tried upping the dosage on his painkillers at first. Like an extra long sleep, a gentle stroll into the darkness, only his eyes rolled back and his throat became so dry that he actually called out. Cracking breath out with closed eyes. I couldn’t leave him like that. I poured milk down his throat. Plenty of milk that ran out the sides of his mouth puddling the collar of his pyjamas.
David popped round yesterday. He thought his dad looked better. He popped in on his way to his golf club, which is just around the corner. Handy really. I propped Len up in the bed and stroked his cheek to perk him up a bit before David entered the room. ‘He’ll be dancing by Christmas Mum’ he said. I’d never wanted to hit anyone quite as badly as I did that moment. Bastard.
I have to say I never thought I’d be wiping my husband’s shitty arse. Not allowed to say things like that out loud are you? In sickness and in health. I meant my vows. Well you did in those days. Not like now. Divorce was said under breath, muttered back then. Now it’s like a competition of how much you can get out of these poor men just trying to earn a crust. It’s the way of the world.
I had to try again. For him, for Len. It was only right. I lay down in his bed with him. The first night we’d slept together in years. The smell of his hair took me back and I sobbed for the loss. We were supposed to be starting salsa lessons in March. I held him while he held on and eventually we fell into some sort of even breathing. In the early hours, I took the pillow and laid it on him, covering his mouth and nose. Oh Len, I thought, I love you. I pressed the edges down further feeling tears drip off the end of my nose onto the pillowcase. He didn’t struggle. Brave to the last. My knuckles turned white I pushed so hard. Pushed it away, that murdering bloody disease. Come on Len, I thought pressing my will into the bones in his face, leave, leave. I think he heard me. I felt him judder beneath me and then he was gone.