Truckin'

Maybe it was a few seconds ago, or maybe a week, or maybe a year
ago, but at some point something happened, something that put me where
I am now. That something had to be a pretty cruel event, because in my
opinion I'm a bit too young to be dead.

Opening my parents door that heat heavy day, I saw the familiar shape
of Paul appear from behind the frosted glass panels. This was the boy
whom I had met whilst at university in Bath. Tall and scruffy with hair
that reminded me of a ginger birds nest, usually his skin was white but
right this moment his skin had turned a reddish pink either sunburn or
just worn out I couldn't tell. He looked down at me and his vicious
blue eyes shocked me, I think I had forgotten just how deep those eyes
were. I hadn't told my parents about Paul because he was a big factor
in me dropping out of university; I became a little nervous and quickly
stepped out of the door pulling it ajar behind me. The sun hot tarmac
took my bare feet by surprise but I was too stunned to move them so
slowly the gritty surface burned away beneath me.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I whispered and shouted at the same
time.
"I came to see you." Paul was taken aback by the fact I didn't seem
pleased to see him.
"You haven't called me or written, you had no idea how I feel for you
now after everything, and so you thought you would just turn
up!?"

Seems I raised my voice a bit to much as mother slid from behind the
door,

"Who is this young man Sophia?" she asked in that voice, the voice that
had been there forever, the voice she used when "people" were visiting,
patronizing and snobbish, as soon as I was old enough to realize what
being patronized was I learned that I hated that bitches voice.

The voice didn't matter now though what mattered was what the hell am I
going to say? I was too late Paul stepped up before I could think of a
lie.

"I'm Paul Sandros, Mrs. Elland" brief silence, mother not catching on
and Paul catching on that he was and always had been a secret.

"Paul's a friend from Bath Mother." Trying not to catch those accusing
eyes.

"Very nice to meet you Paul, darling perhaps you and Paul can come
inside to talk over a drink." That voice again tearing at my
embarrassments. "There's some of your fathers beer in the fridge but
don't have too much dear your father has martin from the club coming
over tonight."

"Thanks mum." I meant that like a not guilty charge.

We stood in the sticky floored kitchen drinking my dad's beer making
sensible small talk while mother circled us dancing an eaves dropping
Morris twirl. I think mother finally realized that we required some
adolescent space to talk about things so she danced outside to my
father in the garden perhaps looking for a partner to join in her merry
go round.

"There are so many things I could ask you now but please I'm too mad
just please, explain." I think Paul didn't realize how mad he had made
me when he had disappeared from uni. He composed him self though as he
always did, really cool was what I thought back in bath back at home
though I thought too cool.

"I just remember you said how lonely and goldfish bowl it was down
here, so I came to see you, and...." Paul always did this he built up
his questions by teasing you with his secrecy. This habit had seemed
mysterious and intelligent when I had first met him, in the kitchen now
it the act grew a bit tired.

"Just say what ever it is that your going to say I can't be arsed
playing your stupid guessing games." Maybe the first time I'd ever
stood up to him.

"Well I want to take you back to Leeds with me, I've got a flat back
there now and we could be together like in Bath."

This I could only reply to angrily but I knew and he could probably see
how flattered I was by the fact he came all this way for me. " You
don't realize how hurt I was after the abortion." The last word was
more of a hum than a word but Paul knew too well what I meant. " I mean
in my head as well as my body.

"I do know. I was there with you trying to support you." He sounded so
sincere that he had no idea of the hurt he had caused me he could never
know.

"You weren't supporting me, you were forcing me to do something I
wasn't even sure about. And guess what followed, the usual "but I"
maybe he could see in my eyes that I was truthful and so he backed
down. "Then you disappeared I came to meet you outside woolies and your
not there the next thing I hear is you've been kicked out on possession
of speed, I didn't even know you took anything, and we were together. I
had no idea you had anything to do with drugs." Mother came in and
pretended she hadn't heard the last words, but I knew she had and now
thought that I was addicted and dying of that addiction and that Paul
was my dealer. Even if this were true she had no room to talk, those
tranquilizers she took had sucked every bit of emotion she had from
her, her concern would fade as she forgot everything. Paul hadn't seen
mum in time and opened his mouth to speak but I stopped him with my
eyes mentally asserting my self, he read them and coughed on cue.
Mother danced out again with a drink in hand.

"I'm not involved, anymore." He was mad now for some reason, typically
thinking that he was the righteous one for pulling himself away from
the drugs.

"Well I can't just go away with you anyway, did you really expect me to
pack up now and come running to Leeds with you? I think this is were my
future decision was planted I just gave him some hope and I saw the
corners of his mouth turn skywards, he and I both realized that I meant
in other circumstances I would, whether this was true or not didn't
matter because now I had mentally committed my self to him, this was
how he worked he took small things that could be changed and ground at
them and bit at them until they were helpless and the only thing you
could do was change to make things comfortable for yourself
again.

"No I didn't expect you to come now I thought id give you the ball to
run with for a bit, you know think it over, I'm staying at the pub at
the bottom of the hill the Bucket inn or something." I knew where he
meant as there was only one hill in my hick village my white bred hell,
not only was there one hill there was also only one pub.

"The Buckley Inn" I said it to correct him and perhaps to acknowledge
that I knew where too find him.

"Cool can you meet me there later?"

"I don't know Sean's supposed to be coming round later." I uttered the
lie with conviction but I lied for a reason, I knew Paul hated Sean,
Sean was my best friend and had been for years and had visited me in
halls of residence and had shared a room with me nothing did or would
ever happen between Sean and I we were friends no thought ever crossed
either mind as to relationship. This was enough to upset Paul though he
was astonishingly jealous and protective like a lion of her cubs.

"Oh is he?" as sincere as politicians in a lying contest. "Well if you
can see me ill be there or just call my mobile or something, I really
would like to know whether your coming or not."

"K" I said not committing to any more conversation, as now I needed
every brain cell I had to consider this escape plan.

"I'll talk too you later then. I'll see myself out."

"K" he disappeared as I stared into the cork flooring.

For the next few hours through lunchtime and beyond my mind was torn
too pieces by thoughts and questions which no one should really have
too face, I guess that, ok it's harder to make decisions of hunger and
survival but for me as a middle class middle England middle suburban
catholic girl, these mindsets were an evil mix of memory and confusion,
I decided on a course of action. If I can't justify why and no one
seems ready to help me make the decision I may as well go with the
flow, what the hell I thought we loved each other once despite the
pressure and the lies, we can learn from the mistakes we made.

Just as I was reaching this decision my mother yelled from the bottom
of the stairs.

"Sophia, Darling, Sean is here" that voice.

The usual statement followed the usual sprint up the stairs, the same
statement he had made since we were 13 "I'm coming in and if I see you
naked were getting married deal?" he never waited for an answer and he
never saw me naked, came close once or twice but never made up the
stairs quick enough. "Damnit".

"Not now Sean I'm trying to think," hoping and waiting for the what's
wrong?.

"What's wrong?" not clairvoyant but obvious.

"You remember Paul don't you."

"Yeah what's that bastard done now?" Sean had been privy to the "goings
on" in Bath so he had more reason to be mad at Paul then Paul at
him.

"He wants me to move to Leeds with him and I think I'm going to go."
Decision made seeping out with the words committing and signing fate's
contract.

"No Soph please no, don't go with him stay here. Please I can' let you
do that please no. He hurt you so much and you know that hurts me, and
you don't love him you can't." he sounded so pained, like a trapped
animal, but this time I couldn't take the trap from his leg.

"It's my quickest way out of this bloody place I hate it here, with
them." "Them" meant my parents and he knew that he knew everything,
from my first spot to my first abortion. He also knew that it wasn't
daddy that I hated it was her with the voice and the tranquilizers, who
never told me what happens every month because she was drunk and high
at the same time, my mother who forgot to pick me up from school more
than twice a week, everyone around her felt sorry for her, and wherever
I went family friends said how beautiful she was and how if I was lucky
I'd grow up to be just like her, and I could never imagine anything
more evil than living my life like her life.

"Just don't go with him please he's bad Soph," he paused hoping to hear
me say okay but I was as ready for this as anything. "Then I want
nothing to do with you fucking up your life." He turned out and ran
down the stairs tripping two before the bottom, making an awful noise
like a drunken drummer embarrassing himself at the bands biggest
concert.

Some time later I was bag packed and poor excuses made about my
destination, and standing with Paul in the Buck the smile on his face
was a bit too big for my liking, I told him we had to leave then and
later as the summer sun was dripping towards the floor I was watching
the 100 mile an hour hedges reverse down the motorway pushing us
towards my destiny.

Sitting in the flat I dumped my solitary rucksack, which had a return
ticket for the rest of my things at some point. My phone vibrated, as I
hadn't turned the silence option off, it was Sean.

"Hiya hunny, listen I'm sorry I got mad," I could her something in the
background couldn't think what it was though.

"That's okay mate, I know you're worried, but everything is going to be
fine maybe you could even venture up here at some point." Fate was
getting ready as I started to hear the background sound as wind, but it
was a blistering heat everywhere even in the fading glow of the
day.

"Yeah I was just going to ask for your address actually." Sean
certainly didn't sound him self, every joke I'd ever heard came from
his lips.

"Yeah it's 5 Madrid drive, are you in your car?" I already knew he was
going to say yes.

"I'm going to see Colin. Listen my batteries low I'm gonna have to go
I'll see you soon." Two things struck me as a bit odd here, one was
that neither of us had seen Colin since we left school, and Sean has a
charger in his car. I thought very little of it though it wouldn't be
the first time Sean was random.

About an hour and a half later as Paul and I had got the drug thing
sorted although I still didn't believe him on the fact he was away from
them now, there was a slightly obvious ring of the bell.

Sean burst in as soon as Paul got the door a few centimeters open. I
stood up to hear the speech I didn't expect.

"Soph please, I don't know if I love you like sex love, but really I've
got to love you more than him..." he wasn't finished but Paul was
getting his tongue sharpened for some dull language.

"You shut up and get out before I fuck you up." Paul wasn't finished
and Sean was better prepared for the battle so continued.

"I can get us a flat please just come home with me now and we can go
any where you want, I've got money saved from the store and I've got
the car, and for gods sake we know each other better than the clouds
and sky. Please Soph please come with me." I was expecting the come
home, but not the live with me bit I was stunned and there was no way I
could think that quickly. Paul piped up after a short yet agonizingly
confused and long wait.

"Go now she's staying with me, see she says nothing to save you the
embarrassment of your rejection now go!" Sean looked in my eyes and I
tried to speak but the words wouldn't budge.
The door slammed and I slumped back into the sofa that was hot from
being attacked by the sun and the window all day. Paul wondered into
the adjoining kitchen mumbling. I'd never even thought about Sean as a
partner or a flat mate, I suppose I should of though, it was
obvious.

"Stupid motherfucker coming in here shouting." It was those words
sprouting from the kitchen that reminded me of the hurt I felt after
Paul disappeared the first time, and the laughter that Sean gave me
when I came home to my mother's disgust and my fathers disappointment.
So I rose to my feet and picked up my resting and tired rucksack. I
opened the door and pelted down the stairs to the street floor in a
dizzy semi conscious silence and I saw Sean's car turn out of the drive
I chased him waving my arms but still unable to speak or shout. Then I
stepped into the road and black light and god and hell and clouds and
memories and love and ripping burning pain.

The truck crushed my spine and each of my ribs cracked or shattered.
There I was on the tarmac and under the rubber, and I can still feel
the conscious world but I can't touch it now. Funny how fate sneaks up
on you when you finally figure out a good decision for once.