Butterflies

I was a bit surprised when Ms. Newton showed up in our office this
morning. I had taken care of the deferment form for her son John and
his student loan account was now up to date. Well, much to my surprise
she had someone with her today. It was the most handsome young man I
had ever seen in my life. He had dirty blonde hair, the bluest eyes and
a smile that could melt ice. He's your typical handsome, all-American
boy next door. I was more surprised when she introduced John as her
son. She was a little Hispanic lady and he looked nothing like her. He
was home for the Christmas break from Loyola Marymount in
California.

She gushed about how much help I had been to her when it came to having
to deal with our loan servicer. Payments and deferments were always
being posted late. I was able to get their problem with his deferments
straightened out. I also took on the added responsibility of letting
them know when a new form needed to be submitted and I would process
the forms through our office. They would no longer have to deal with
the servicer. He thanked me for all of the help I had been to both him
and his mother. And he appreciated the extra steps I was taking to help
them. I thought to myself, "If he thinks I went above and beyond
before, he ain't seen nothin' yet."

Just then Belinda, one of our work study students, came in to the
office. She and John knew each other. He gave her a hug and chatted a
minute. While, he was doing that his mother was asking me some
questions. She was sweetest and kindest lady. I couldn't help but
glance over at John every now and then. As I saw him with Belinda one
thought occurred to me. That's the kind of girl someone like him would
be with not someone like me. She was pretty and while not extremely
intelligent - that's not what matters to guys anyway. She was nice but
could sometimes be a bit irresponsible and careless when it came to the
work in the office.

Belinda had to leave to go to her first class. She came in to leave the
books she would need later for her afternoon classes. The two of them
said their goodbyes and he rejoined his mom at the counter. She and I
had everything under control so there really wasn't much more to
discuss. They both thanked me again for all of my help and left.

I wouldn't hear from him again for two months. Christmas came and went
without much fuss. I survived yet another depressing New Year's Eve.
But lately a depression had taken hold of me and I was having a very
hard time shaking it off. My best friend had a steady boyfriend now and
I now took a back seat to him. Any time I spent with her had to be
worked in to plans with him. The jealousy I was beginning to feel
towards her was almost becoming uncontrollable. I can't get a date to
save my life and now I'm losing my best friend. The one friend I ever
did anything with at all. If she wasn't available I was home for the
night. We used to be inseparable. Now I felt in order to see her I had
to make an appointment.

Heading my way now is Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day and New Year's
Eve are two holidays I hate more than any other. Both days cast a
glaring light on the fact that you're alone. I used to think it was
nice when I'd get home and there would be a Valentine's Day card from
my mom for me in the mail. Now it's just depressing and pathetic. I
knew that when I got home from work there would be flowers at the
house. There would be flowers for my mom from my dad, for my sisters
from their boyfriends. I remember one Valentine's Day when even my
brother got flowers. I usually would just sit in my room listening to
my Barry Manilow records and just wait for the day to end. The saddest
part is that I'm the oldest and I have no idea what it's like to be on
a date. I wish I knew how to fix whatever it is that is so wrong with
me.

I went to work and not too long after our day started the parade of
roses into the office started. This was going to be a long day. Belinda
reported for work that afternoon. She made herself at home and then she
told me that she got a letter from John over the weekend. I really
didn't need to hear that. She then handed me a small envelope. In it
was a note for me from John. I figured it would just be a note about
his loan. Much to my surprise it wasn't. It was a simple thank you
note. It read:

Thank you again for all of your help. And I hope this Valentine's Day
brings all the love and happiness that someone as nice as you deserves.
Happy Valentine's Day, John.

I read that note over and over that day. That was better than any dozen
roses I could have ever received. To know that he took the time to
write me a note meant a great deal to me. His mother raised him right.
I was so moved by the note that I had to send him a thank you note. It
started out just a small thank you note. But then it turned into a
short letter. I just asked simple questions, how's school going, how's
the weather and things like that. I got his address at Loyola from
Belinda.

About a week and a half later I came home to find a letter on my bed.
It was a letter from John. I couldn't wait to open it. He appreciated
the time I took to write to him and that he loved to get letters from
home. I love to write letters and we started to write to each other on
a regularly after that. We got to know each other through those
letters. We both loved music especially jazz and movies. We both loved
football and argued over whose team was better my 49ers with Joe
Montana or his Cowboys with Aikman. We had the same type of argument
when it came to basketball too.

I couldn't wait for the mail to arrive everyday just to see if there
would be something in it for me from him. Even when he didn't have time
to write a letter he sent me a postcard. I had sent him a stack of them
from Sea World to use to write his friends when he didn't have time for
a letter. I think I got all the postcards returned to me. He remembered
to send me a birthday card in March. And in May he sent me a postcard.
On it he said he'd be coming home for the summer and he hoped that we
could get together while he was home.

No one could have been more surprised than me when John called me at
work. He'd just gotten back in town over the weekend. I felt like a
giddy teenager in high school getting a call from the cutest boy in
school. And I actually got into a little trouble at work for talking
and giggling on the phone too much.

I didn't care though. She could have fired me on the spot. It was the
first time in a very long time that I was truly happy. Now I was almost
like everybody else. I wasn't the forgotten lonely one anymore. At
least not right now. We made tentative plans to get together on
Saturday for a movie. I gave him my home number and asked him to call
me there. Now I'll just cross my fingers that he'll call and we
actually get together.

He did call and we had a great time on the phone. But most important of
all we're getting together on Saturday night for a movie. Now I just
had to keep my nerves under control. But that won't be easy. I don't
know how to do this.

I thought I could calm my butterflies about tonight by going to the
gym. I guess I was wrong. I have to be crazy. Why did I ever agree to
this? Girls like me don't go out with guys like John.

It doesn't help that I'm 23 and about to go on my first date. Yeah,
that's right I'm 23. No one's ever asked me until now. I was the one
always on the outside looking in. I sat back and watched my little
sister, little brother and friends go out on dates. I've never been so
scared in my life.

In letters I can be witty, funny and intelligent too. It's an entirely
different thing for me face to face. Besides he's in college. What am I
possibly going to say that will be of any interest to him?

I only have two hours to decide what to wear. I am standing in front of
my closet full of clothes but yet have nothing to wear. How can I
possibly go out? I have a pair of black jeans with a zipper and cute
little red bows at the ankles. Or I have the short denim skirt. I'm
always being told I should show off my legs. Why I don't know. But I
could use all the help I can get.

I don't know why I'm in such a panic. He's probably only being polite.
We'll go out, he'll be disappointed and I'll never see him again. At
least I don't have to worry about making conversation. We're going to a
movie. He'll probably bring me home right after anyway.

I heard the phone ring and then my sister yell for me. Maybe John came
to his senses and changed his mind? Now my family would know something
was going on tonight. Guys didn't call me. I had enough pressure on
myself, I didn't need theirs too. It was John calling to ask if leaving
a bit later than planned would be okay. I wasn't about to miss out on
this opportunity. Of course I told him it would be just fine.

It was just after nine o'clock and just as I was about to change into
the denim skirt, my sister told me John was outside waiting for me. I
guess the butterflies heard her too, because they started a new storm
of flutters in my stomach. I had one last check in the mirror. I
shouldn't have done that.

I quickly made my way out the door. When I saw John something strange
happened. The butterflies stopped. It was as if I was looking at an old
friend. Why had I been so nervous? I took a deep breath and started the
most amazing summer I'd ever had.

John held the car door open for me which was a nice gesture in front of
my dad. He got in and we were off to the movie theater. We were going
to see "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade." At least I wouldn't have
to worry about carrying on a conversation.

John had brought a jazz cassette tape I had recorded for him. I sent it
to him when he was away at college in California. Our common taste in
music gave us plenty to talk about. Whatever nervousness I was feeling
before I saw John was all but gone. I was also fairly confident in the
fact that he'd take me home right after the movie anyway.

The movie managed to kill two hours. I was actually having a good time.
I really hated to see it come to an end. This was basically my first
real date and most likely my last for a while. I hoped it would last a
little longer than the length of a movie.

The movie was pretty good. A movie with both Harrison Ford and Sean
Connery can't ever be bad. It was close to midnight when the movie
ended and we were back in the parking lot. I wasn't really ready to go
home just yet. As John unlocked my door first and opened the door for
me. I didn't know guys came with manners like that anymore. As he stood
holding the door for me he said the strangest thing, "Do you want to go
somewhere? Or do you need to get home?" I was caught so off guard that
I didn't hear the second part of that question, "Where do you want to
go?"

John got in the car and we tried to think of a place that would still
be open this late. He couldn't tell but my hands were shaking. I'd
never been so nervous in my life. Well, except for when I had to get up
in front of my class -- which is why I had barely graduated.

We drove around for a little while. There weren't too many places open
at midnight. We ended up at a 24 hour burger place. We just got some
finger food and drinks. There were quite a few people there. We sat in
a booth in a quiet corner of the restaurant.

John was so down to earth that I found myself becoming more and more
comfortable around him. We talked about so many different things. We
talked about music, bragged about concerts we'd been to, movies,
hobbies, sports and family. I never once felt inferior to him. Or
rather he never makes me feel that way.

I couldn't get over that someone this handsome was sitting here with
me. He has blonde hair, the bluest eyes, an amazingly disarming smile
and just handsome. He was a few years younger but it didn't seem to
matter.

Across the street was a bank with a clock. I happened to notice it read
2:30 am, "Is that the right time?" John looked out the window, "It
doesn't seem we've been there that long." At least that meant he was
having a good time. "Do you need to be home by a certain time?" he
asked. I said that I didn't. So we stayed and talked for about another
hour.

Just after 3:30 am we decided it was time to leave. We arrived back at
my house in about fifteen minutes. I hadn't felt nervous in a while
until this moment. The butterflies seemed to come back all at once.
What would happen when it came time to say goodnight. Would anything
happen?

As the perfect gentleman he'd been up to now, he came around to my side
of the car and opened the door for me. He walked me to my door. We
stood at my door for a few minutes making idle chatter, "Well, I really
had a good time." I was relieved to hear that, "I did too. It just went
by too fast." John asked if he could have a hug. Of course I said he
could.

This had to be the best hug I've ever gotten. Then something strange
and funny began to happen. After the hug we started to talk about
something else for a few minutes. We'd decide it was time to say
goodnight, he'd hug me again and we'd start another conversation. We
did this at least three times. After the third hug I asked him if he'd
like to sit on our swing in the front yard rather than keep
standing.

I was actually surprised when he said yes. As we were walking over to
the swing, I couldn't help but think about what a great evening this
had been so far. I wonder if I'll see him again after tonight. I sure
hope I do.

It was a perfect Texas summer night. The stars were still out and there
was just enough of a breeze. It had to be after four in the morning but
I wasn't the least bit tired.

We must have talked for almost another hour. I was amazed at how much
we actually had to say to each other. We had spent the past few months
exchanging quite a few letters before tonight. So I guess we weren't
complete strangers.

At one point we noticed that it was slowly starting to become light. I
wondered what time it could possibly be now. John and I decided it
really was time to say goodnight. Neither of us seemed to want to
though. John walked me back to my door. By this time the butterflies I
had felt earlier were gone now. I didn't know where this would go from
here. But at that moment I didn't care. If nothing else I end up with a
new friend. Hopefully with any luck maybe more than that.

He gave me another hug and once again we started talking. This time
though we were making tentative plans to go to Sea World next Saturday.
I offered to treat since I was working and had a pass to get in free.
He started to walk to his car, "I'll call you later in the week to make
definite plans." I nodded and simply said, "Okay".

I waited on the porch until he got into his car. We waved goodbye and
he drove away. I took a deep breath and went in the house. I locked the
door behind me and made my way to my bedroom. I sat on the edge of my
bed for a minute and thought back on tonight.

I have never had a night like this before. I was the one that watched
everyone else, my little sister and my friends, go out on dates and
wonder that would be like. I couldn't do anything except cry. For the
first time I was good enough. Not me being the quiet one in the group,
not me being what my family thinks I should be - just me. That it was
okay for me to be myself. I hope the week goes by fast. I can't wait to
spend more time with him.
? Copyright 2004 Kris Lemmonds (UN: krislem at Writing.Com).