Careful What You Ask For...

Sometimes people wake up one day and their life isn't what they
thought would be. They are not who they thought they would be.

It was one of those days for Carly. She looked in the mirror today and
saw a familiar ghost looking back at her in the mirror. She thought she
had shaken that persona long ago but here it was back again. The girl
she was in high school. Complete with the lack of self-confidence. She
never wanted to be that girl again.

In high school, she realized that fairy tales were just that - fairy
tales. There weren't such things as "happily ever after", fairy
godmothers, magic potions and somebody named Prince Charming. Fairy
tales forget to tell you that in order to get Prince Charming, you need
to look like Cinderella. Well, there was no chance of finding her
here.

Carly would be the first to admit that she wasn't a beauty, not by any
stretch of the imagination. She has long, curly, dark auburn hair. Her
best features are her light brown eyes and her legs. In addition, after
having had two children she has a few extra pounds on her. However, she
has always had a generous heart. She developed a quick and witty sense
of humor. She could always make people laugh.

When Carly finally moved out and into her own apartment things
changed. This was her chance to become someone else. Any one but her
since that didn't seem to be working. A change of wardrobe, a new
hairstyle, and a little too much Madonna and she became someone else.
Short skirts and stylish clothes replaced her "goodie two shoe" ones.
Her shyness actually provided a sharp contrast to the clothes and
attitude. She made new friends, ones that didn't have preconceived
ideas about her. As different as she seemed to those that new her, she
never felt more at ease with her self.

Of course, Carly knew that this kind of behavior would only attract a
certain kind of man. Nevertheless, it beat being alone and nothing else
was working so why not give them what they wanted. As long as there
weren't any false expectations, what harm would there be?

Unfortunately, after a few years of this way of life, she began to
want more. The thought of growing old alone haunted her. That fear made
her vulnerable. She started to wear her heart on her sleeve. She
endured heartbreak after heartbreak. The last one sent her over the
edge. Then one day it happened. A marriage proposal came her way.

She thought she knew what she was doing the day she got married. Even
if a week before she had been having second thoughts. Second thoughts
due to the last man that broke her heart asking to have a second
chance. No matter how much she wanted to see him again, she couldn't.
People had made plans to travel long distances for this wedding. She
couldn't disappoint them by changing her mind. It wouldn't have been
fair to a man, who so completely loved her, as no one else ever had
before.

Here it is ten years later. What she thought would make her life
complete and happy - didn't. Should Carly have reconsidered getting
married back then? Should she have met with her ex to make sure he
wasn't the one she should be marry? At least when she was single and
lonely she could call her friends. All of her friends were married
women with children. Her single friends didn't hang out with married
women and their kids. She was lonelier now than when she was
single.

She had worked so hard to create her own identity. Now because of
something she did one day ten years ago, she has completely lost her
identity and is living in a place that isn't hers. She loves her
children and spending time with them. Let anyone ever try to hurt them.
Yet every now and then, she'd like to have five minutes to herself. She
misses being able to come and go as she pleases without having to
answer to anyone.

Tim, her husband, takes it for granted that she'll always be there. He
knows Carly's insecurities will keep her with him. What he isn't aware
of is that she is growing tired of being an afterthought. One day he
may come home from one of his many nights out and find them gone.

Tim leaves her home alone most nights to pass the time at a local bar.
He leaves it up to Carly to care for their children, their home, and
all the other things that go with that. She doesn't have the luxury of
having time to spend with her friends after work as he does. She craves
simply having someone to talk to who is over the age of ten. Someone
who will listen and take an interest in what she has to say

She passes her time chatting online with old friends she's left
behind, with the occasional pen pal, sometimes even flirting with a
few. Occasionally, she catches her ex at home. He still wants her back
after these years despite being married himself. It's a good thing he
lives in another state. She gets lost in old movies. Movies that remind
her of a time when there was this thing called romance.

She never thought being married would find her spending so much time
alone. It seemed that her biggest fear of growing old alone had come
true. There are never any phone calls to say he will be late. He never
tells her where he's going, and on days she doesn't work, he comes home
even later.

If she complains, Tim says she's to blame. If she were more
affectionate towards him, there would be a reason to come home. If she
did the same thing, he would know why. To know what it feels like in
her shoes, wondering if she should make dinner for four or for three,
making his favorite dinner only to find out he's already had dinner
elsewhere. How would he feel if she was always making weekend plans for
herself without any consideration for him or the children? Forcing him
to do what she wants to do if he wants to do anything at all. Wonder
how affectionate he would be toward her.

Even when they do go out alone for a birthday or an anniversary, she
still finds herself alone. He can't give her an hour of his time for
dinner without a cigarette. He will have at least three or four before
the evening over. Each time he has to leave the table because she
insists on the non-smoking section. Again, her fault she's alone. He
used to do this when they were dating. She had hoped that after they
got married he'd at least give her an hour without a cigarette. Now
when he suggests a night out, she doesn't want to go. Why go out and
spend money to have dinner alone? She can do that at home.

If they attend a wedding or a party together, she usually finds
herself sitting alone. He will sit at the bar smoking and talking to
his friends. Eventually, someone will ask her to dance or flirt with
her. Why would they think she was with someone? She was sitting alone
and not wearing a wedding ring. She stopped wearing it when she was
pregnant with their last child. She's just never bothered to put it
back on again.

Still she shouldn't complain. She's lucky anyone asked her to get
married. She had had plenty of dates but none wanted more than just one
thing from her. After years of being virtually invisible to most of the
male species, she was content to make up for lost time. However,
eventually she started to want more.

Unfortunately, she has that same desire now. At least she has her
work. She works at a small office and has wonderful friends. It's
become a place of solace for her. It's a place where she can be herself
and she isn't Mrs. Whatever or Mom. She's simply just Carly. They
appreciate her mere presence and to them she matters. She can't wait
for Mondays and dreads Fridays or long holiday weekends.

Sometimes loneliness makes us seek out the company of those we need
validation from the most. To say she had a roving eye would be an
understatement. She liked men. She liked to flirt. It was innocent and
harmless of course. For all her flirting, she'd never think of
cheating.

Most of her friends are men. She can talk sports with the best of
them. Since she doesn't look her age, most of them happen to be
younger. Her weakness though is for the older ones. Add a dose of sense
of humor, a touch of gray in their hair and a nice suit and tie.

Now and then, she's been tempted. She's had at least three proposals
to meet for a rendezvous. They each offered to purchase an airline
ticket to bring her to them. She never fully intended to meet them but
it was flattering just the same.

However, there is one. One, whose blue eyes, she can't get out of her
mind. She hasn't been this attracted to someone in years.
Unfortunately, she knows she can never have him. Perhaps it's better
that way. What would she do if she ever had the chance? Could she or
would she want to say no to him? Why couldn't she have met someone like
him when they were both single?

Would he be the strength she'd need to walk away from an unhappy
marriage? Or should she just innocently flirt and continue to live out
the life she made for herself, for the sake of the kids, whether it
makes her happy or not? Should she wait until the kids are grown and
then take her life back? When is life too short to be lived this way?
When do you know when the time is right to leave?
? Copyright 2004 Kris Lemmonds (UN: krislem at Writing.Com).