Interpreting The Bible

The biggest enigma in the history of literature are the passages in
the Judeo-Christian bible. No work has had more interpretations.
Archaeological findings have not proven very helpful.
The only profound evidence that could have clarified these passages
are the Dead Sea Scrolls. However, these treasures may not yield
relevant information since many have been damaged beyond recognition.
Most weren't damaged from natural causes like decay and weathering, but
through human error.
In fact, the most significant scroll was destroyed through human
error, before it was deciphered. This scroll contained the answer to
the meaning of life, along with a cure for cancer and AIDS. They left
it unguarded in a museum, and some redneck* walked in and mistook it
for a roll of toilet paper.
Now there is little evidence to corroborate Biblical passages. We must
rely on subjective interpretations. Below are modern interpretations of
the most controversial people and events in the sacred
scriptures.

The Destruction of Sodom &;amp; Gomorrah
Before God destroyed Sodom &;amp; Gomorrah he and Abraham
negotiated. God said if Abraham could find 50 righteous people he would
spare the cities. God eventually promised to spare the cities for ten.
Abraham couldn't so the cities were destroyed.
Why did Abraham stop negotiating at ten? Why didn't he negotiate it to
nine or even one righteous person? Two reasons, first he just
remembered his mother-in-law still lived in Sodom, and second, he
recently reviewed the insurance policy on the house he just purchased
in Gomorrah, which stated destruction by acts of God were covered

Isaac And Abraham
The Bible says God ordered Abraham to kill his son Isaac to
demonstrate his loyalty, but sent an angel to stop him. God would never
do such a cruel thing. Abraham's wife divorced him, so he tried to kill
Isaac because he didn't want to make child support payments. A child
services agent ran and stopped him. He was dressed in white, and
witnesses said he ran so fast he sprouted wings. They called him an
angel.
Abraham avoided jail time by pleading insanity, claiming God told him
to do it. This story has stuck since.

Moses Turns His Staff Into A Serpent
Ever wonder why Moses had that two-foot- long beard? Well, when he
confronted the Pharaoh he threw down his staff, distracted him by
saying there was a comet. When the Pharaoh turned his head, he kicked
his staff away, pulled a snake from his beard, and threw it on the
floor.

Moses And The Burning Bush
What the hell would God be doing in a bush!? I think Moses was out in
that hot sun too long.

The Location of Mount Sinai
The location of the mountain where Moses received the Ten Commandments
has stumped archaeologists for ages. What these people haven't realized
is that it's right under their nose. It's at Disneyland at the mountain
which is know as the Matterhorne. The abominable snowman you see at the
top of the ride is actually Moses with his white beard. Several years
ago a few drunk college students as a prank climbed up to the mountain
and took the two tablets containing the Ten Commandments from his hands
which is why he has an angry look when you pass him by on the
cart.

Did Moses Have a Law Degree

He issued the Ten Commandments. You would have to assume that God
would not allow anyone to issue a set of laws without the proper
credentials. The only question remains is where did he obtain this
degree? Since the commandments only consist of ten short sentences it's
obvious that he did not have that thorough of an education in law. The
U.S. Constitution and the Napoleonic codes are sets of laws that take
up many pages showing the highly educated nature of the drafters.
Because Moses was traveling through the desert he could not go to a
well- respected University. Instead he took correspondence courses from
a college that is known today as the University of Phoenix. This
college allowed him to complete his degree since it fit in well with
his flexible schedule. However, the program was notorious for cutting
corners and not thoroughly challenging its students, which was why he
could only draw up a set of laws for an entire people that consisted of
ten lines.
This was also a reason why they did not let him into the Promised
Land. The people at the gates of Jericho told him they wouldn't allow a
person to govern them who received his degree at second- rate
University. They also would not let his fellow alumnus Joshua enter the
city, but fortunately for him he also double majored in music. He told
the trumpeters to play a tune that he composed at this college, which
was so bad it knocked down the walls.

Jonah And the Whale
This tale also has its origins with the Disney theme park. Jonah lived
a long time ago in the Middle East. Back then, they had a very popular
amusement park near the ancient city of Ur called Ur-O-Disney. Just
like the Disneyland in California they also had a ride with a boat that
went into the mouth of a large whale.
Jonah had a reputation as the town drunk. During one of his visits to
the park, he drank too many mint Juleps and waded into the water,
climbing onto a raft which drifted into the mouth of the whale ride
which was closed down due to repairs. He soon passed out from all the
Juleps in his system. The raft became lodged deep inside the
whale.
His friends alerted security guards, who frantically searched the
entire park for him. For three days, they searched, calling his name,
but he was too hung over from the Juleps to answer. Finally, a
malfunction in the hydraulic system of the lake caused strong currents
to shoot inside the whale which finally pried the raft from the inside,
shooting Jonah out of the whale to the delight of his astonished
friends. One of them yelled, "Look, the whale just spat out Jonah!" For
the rest of his life, Jonah enjoyed telling the story about how he
spent three days in the stomach of a whale.

The Location of the Ark

One of the most highly debated questions in history is where is the
Ark of the Covenant? A clue to where it's at is that the possessor of
it is supposed to be invincible. Therefore, it would be safe to assume
it is in Cuba possessed by Fidel Castro. That would explain how he's
been able to maintain power longer than eight U.S. Presidents. It would
also explain why he makes such great cigars. He's obviously using the
Ark as a humidor.

Samson Knocks Down The Philistine Temple
The incident where Samson knocked down the pillars in the Philistine
temple is an incredible mystery. How did he have the strength? Did it
come naturally? At the risk of sounding stereotypical, I never met a
Jewish person that could dead lift more than 150lbs. (Well, outside of
the one body builder who took exception to this theory and twisted my
arms into a pretzel. I'm just thankful I didn't mention anything about
circumcisions.)
The Philistines were known for throwing pretty outrageous parties.
During this event all kinds of illegal narcotics flowed freely. Samson
ingested some PCP, which gave him the strength to knock down the
pillars.
After this tragedy the Philistines no longer threw their parties in
large buildings. They instead held them in tents with exit areas
clearly marked. They also enacted measures such as instituting two
drink minimums and a 1am curfew. The organizers of the event were
charged with involuntary manslaughter and had to go to public schools,
lecturing kids about the dangers of illegal narcotics.

How Did David Defeat Goliath?
Goliath had a bad back.

The Wisdom of Solomon
Solomon was considered the wisest King in the history of Israel.
According to the Bible he had 700 wives. That means he married 700
times. And this person was known for his wisdom? Can you imagine how
much money he would've lost if half of these wives divorced him? That's
why archaeologists can't locate King Solomon's Mines. It doesn't exist.
His wives took all the treasure in the divorce settlements.

Jesus Drives Out The Money Changers
The only time Jesus became violent was when he confronted the money
changers. He was whipped, spat on, and crucified, and never became
violent. What happened with these bankers that made him so angry?
In the temple he wanted to withdraw money. Since he didn't have an
account with this bank they charged him a withdrawal fee, plus an
additional fee because he had his money in another bank.
He said, "Wait a minute, are you saying you're charging me again on
top of the regular charge because I'm withdrawing money from a bank
that's not my own?! That's double dipping!"
He overturned the tables and threw them out, despite their offer of a
high interest bearing CD.

Jesus Turns Water Into Wine
If you drank a bottle of wine produced in the Middle East, I think you
could understand how someone can confuse it with water. That region
isn't going to be mistaken for Bordeaux or Napa Valley.

The Ethnicity of Jesus
For most of Western history Jesus was considered white. Recently
African-Americans are claiming he was black. He was indeed black.
That's why he was executed. If he was white they would've just given
him probation.
They executed him instead of Barabbas, who murdered a Roman soldier.
The equivalent today of killing a police officer. All he did was say he
was the son of God. I ran into someone the other day who did the same.
They directed him to a shelter, and gave him a hot meal. I think Pilate
asked the crowd, "Who should I release, this black man who goes around
saying he's the son of God, or this white man who murdered a Roman
soldier?" The crowd yelled, "Let the white guy go!"
Some people claim Jesus was a Palestinian since he was born in that
region. As a kid he used to throw rocks at the occupying Roman army. He
was angry because they bulldozed a settlement of houses his father
Joseph built, who was a carpenter.

The Ethnicity of Moses
Moses was definitely black. If you spend 40 years wandering through a
desert you have to be black!

The Ethnicity of St. Paul
St. Paul was on the road to Damascus and saw a vision of Jesus, which
converted him. St. Paul must have been Hispanic because we always hear
stories about Hispanics seeing the face of Jesus in different
objects.
St. Paul's original name was supposed to be Saul. What most people
don't know is that the first letter of his name was off by one letter
before. His real name was Raul. There is a lot of debate on what
exactly he was doing on the road to Damascus. Some historians claim he
was just looking for some aluminum cans.

The Last Supper
The Bible says the Apostles abandoned Jesus after the last supper.
However, it wasn't because of fear. According to records from the local
caterer, there was an inordinate amount of wine flowing during that
supper in comparison to the thin loaves of bread that were supposed to
absorb the alcohol. This was their last supper together so they drank
as much as possible.
They were too hung over when the authorities came to arrest Jesus.
Jesus told Peter, "Before the rooster crows, you'll pass out on me
three times."
Judas drank the most wine. He never meant to betray Jesus. He was so
drunk that night he saw the long haired Jesus in a pristine white robe,
and mistook him for the girl at the local tavern, and kissed him.
Judas was later ex-communicated due to the clergies rules against
gays. He was given a severance package of thirty silver pieces, but
never recovered from the dismissal and hung himself.

Did Jesus Have A Sense of Humor?
One of his early pranks was to walk on water and then convince Peter
to do the same. When he pulled Peter up, he was spitting out salt water
cursing his name. Jesus replied, "Peter, oh ye of little humor."
He saved his best zinger for the very end. When the man who tried to
give him sour wine, angrily asked why he didn't drink, he quipped, "The
wine's not Korbel."

Was Jesus a Surfer?
He spent most of his life living near the sea. He had long hair, a
thin build, and that white robe could've been an extra large beach
towel. He was an expert fisherman and used the catch to make fish tacos
for his surfing buddies.
Some say he didn't walk on water, but instead was just standing on his
surf board. They say he nearly drowned Peter that night trying to teach
him how to body surf. One of his associates had the nickname, John The
Baptist because he was such a poor instructor his students fell off
their boards landing face first in the water.

The Three Wise Men?
Were they wise? They traveled in the dark in the poorest,
crime-ridden, section of Bethlehem with a case of treasure. Then they
gave it to some poor baby.
If they knew anything about social mobility they would've given those
gifts to the Roman prince who was born at the same time in the five
star hotel two blocks down the road.
A Black Wise Man?
Many scholars believe one of the wise men was black. They claim he was
given the position through affirmative action, since at least one of
the other candidates scored higher on the aptitude test. Actually he
was given the position for two reasons, one because he was black, and
two because most candidates were afraid to travel in that region at
night.
However, overcoming such tremendous obstacles like growing up in a
crime infested neighborhood with a single mother did not prepare him
for the troubles of being the first person black to achieve such high
status. The three men were supposed to arrive at the manger just before
noon, but it took them all night because the black man's camel was
repeatedly stopped and searched by Roman soldiers on the journey. They
didn't give him a clear explanation, but they told him that he fit the
description of a suspect who was involved in a nearby stabbing. Some
scholars speculate that the star of Bethlehem was just a primitive
lighting device the Roman soldiers kept flashing in the black Wiseman's
face.
Of course, when they finally arrived at the manger and found out that
some of the gold and silver meant for Jesus turned up missing, you know
who they blamed.
As for the more qualified candidate who was passed over for the black
Wiseman, scholars are still speculating who he was. There were reports
of an Asian man going around the city complaining about how he had to
settle for a fellowship to do post doctoral engineering research at the
University of Rome.

Did Mary and Joseph Have Health Insurance?
They were covered by an HMO. During the birth of Jesus, they wouldn't
pay for their hospital stay so they made them go to a barn. The insurer
wouldn't even pay for any lighting in the dark barn. They were told to
rely on the illumination from the bright star hovering above. All the
gold and silver the three wise men brought was used to make the
co-pay.
These events were chronicled by the primary physician Luke who had to
moonlight as a Gospel writer because the HMO he was affiliated with
kept delaying payments. In fact there were so many complaints about the
cut-throat practices of these HMOs that the Roman Empire soon abolished
the practice, fearing it would give the government a bad name. It
wasn't until 2000 years later that the practice was revived under the
Reagan administration.

Was Joseph a Deadbeat Father?
Can you blame him? Even though he was not the real father of Jesus he
was expected to raise him since they didn't have DNA tests back then.
Therefore, he lost the paternity suit Mary filed against him. Being a
carpenter, he preferred to hang out with the boys drinking beer rather
than spending time with Jesus. He had a serious gambling problem. Some
people believe he lost all the treasure the Wise men gave Jesus betting
on the local chariot races.
One of the most controversial incidents in the New Testament is the
chapter in Mathew where Joseph takes Jesus and Mary to Egypt after he
is warned by an angel that King Herod has issued an order to kill every
child in Jerusalem two years and under. Since no other account of this
event has ever been recorded except in the Gospel of Mathew, many
scholars believe the event never occurred. Therefore, the question
remains why did Joseph make up this story? The reason why he made it up
was he wanted to get off work to take a vacation in Egypt, so he told
the foreman at his construction site Herod was going to kill his son.
The reason why he wanted to go to Egypt is because he wanted to visit
the Luxor which recently refurbished their casino. They sent him a
newsletter and comped him some free hotel rooms and trips to the
buffet.

The Roman Soldier Who Guarded The Tomb Of Jesus
The Roman soldier who guarded the tomb of Jesus has to be the most
incompetent security guard in history. How anyone could lose track of a
well built, dead,
male with long hair, cloaked in white is staggering. To add insult to
injury there was a giant block of stone covering the entrance to the
tomb.
The man couldn't stand the taunts from his fellow soldiers. He
resigned and migrated to Europe. Several of his descendants traveled
across the Atlantic. In fact, his direct descendant is in charge of
monitoring the metal detector at Logan Airport in the city of
Boston.

Crucifixion: A Job Outsourced to Temporary Agencies?
Throughout history there has never been a more ruthless for profit
entity than the Roman Empire. (With the possible exception of GM and
RJR Nabisco.) Therefore when you consider the costs of paying a
full-time crucifier benefits such as health insurance, vacation days,
retirement benefits, holidays off, and workers compensation claims,
it's easy to see why the Romans chose to go the temp route.
This practice was even more appealing when you consider the fact that
you had wild fluctuations in demand, business usually skyrocketed
during Passover and declined dramatically during the summer season as
criminals migrated near the ocean side resorts to prey on unsuspecting
tourists.
The downside to this practice was you could never accurately predict
demand so you always had to keep a few full-time experienced crucifiers
around just in case there was a sudden "spike" in demand. This is where
the temp to hire concept was created. If you hire someone immediately
you ran the risk of hiring an incompetent worker who didn't get along
well with his co-workers. In a stressful business like crucifixion, you
want to find out if the candidate has a sense of humor and can work as
a team. His willingness to work overtime was also a critical
factor.
A major turnoff for the temporary worker was taking tests like having
to hammer nails on a board while being timed. In order to be accepted
for an assignment you had to have a score of at least 50 nail strokes
per minute. Besides being a waste of time, many candidates complained
that the testing equipment was inferior and outdated. One candidate
claimed the hammer he used had a loose handle. A test on the device
dated it to the Bronze Age. The agency later admitted they bought the
hammer at a local garage sale to save money.
Sometimes demand became so great, the temp agencies turned to their
employees for referrals. They often passed out flyers with paychecks.
One of them said:
"Refer a friend! Know someone with a swift hammer? If we hire him and
he's still swinging away six months from now, you'll receive two free
tickets to the gladiatorial contests at the local coliseum. Check with
your staffing consultant for more details!"
The only good aspect of this type of work for the employee was that
you received your paycheck every week instead of every two weeks. You
therefore had less money taken out in taxes. In other words you
rendered less to Caesar that belonged to Caesar.

Did The Bible Have Advertising Space?
The Bible is the best selling book ever, easily outselling Oprah's
entire book of the month club entrants combined. The publisher had to
make money to offset the cost of Mr. Guttenberg's effort.
The first set of Bibles had one advertisement. It was on the page
introducing the New Testament. It said:

CONGRATULATIONS YOU CAN NOW EAT PORK!
Come to Noah's cured bacon house!
In business since 1 A.D.

Christianity would have died out if it wasn't for the pork lobby who
funded the campaigns of Saint Paul and the Emperor Constantine. They
paid for Paul's lodging on his trip to Damascus. They also created a
mythical story of how Constantine was converted during the battle of
Milvian Bridge. They claimed he saw two burning pork chops aligned in a
cross above the sky with the inscription, "By this meat you will
conquer by." The term "pork barrel politics" came from these
tactics.

Martin Luther's Grievances With The Church
Obviously, Martin Luther isn't in the bible, but his impact on
Christianity was so profound, he can't be ignored. Luther's conflict
with the Catholic church caused many Christians to break away, forming
the Protestant Sect.
Scholars insist Luther's disagreements with the church centered on
their corrupt practices, like selling indulgences. However, after
seeing portraits of this person, I conclude he had a different
disagreement.
This guy had a serious weight problem. I think he broke with the
church over the ritual of serving those thin wafers during mass. He
instead wanted a sirloin steak with grilled mushrooms.
The 95 theses he nailed to the church walls was a menu of 95 alternate
food items, all high in cholesterol. The reason they called his trial
"The Diet of Worms" was because the Catholic Bishops suggested he go on
a diet of eating worms to control his weight.
Church officials never threatened to burn him at the stake. They said
if he would end the campaign they would invite him to dinner and burn
him (cook him) a steak. Another standard that he introduced into the
church was that all priests had to wear robes with hemlines reached
below the ankles. He pushed this law through because he didn't want
people to see his gigantic 28 inch thighs.
Critics believe the main reason the Counter-Reformation became so
successful was due to the excellent publicity campaign launched by the
Vatican. They told parishioners the reason why they went to such
extremes to sell indulgences was because they needed to hire engineers
to reinforce their altars with steel bars, fearing that they would
collapse if Luther stood on them to deliver a sermon. They also argued
he might walk out into the audience and sit down so they had to replace
their seats with ones made of cast iron.
Martin Luther was also an anti-Semite, who some historians believe set
the stage in Germany for Nazism. Coincidentally a writer during that
time named Al Franken wrote a book criticizing him titled, "Martin
Luther Is A Big Fat Idiot."

Armageddon
Everyone wonders when this final battle between good and evil will
occur. Some scholars believe it never will. For the disappointed who
made hotel reservations there should be some description of how this
battle would appear.
But where would it take place? I think the most competitive area in
our culture is professional athletics. So the event should be on a
baseball field. I considered having this on a soccer field since it's
the most popular sport in the world. However, I feared the outbreak of
a riot. (I have to keep this in good taste.)
So, here's the call from the bottom of the ninth:

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a hard fought game. We have one out to
go, with the bases loaded and two outs. The score's 13-13. The count is
full on King David.
Facing him on the mound is the relief pitcher, the notorious Whore of
Babylon. The most feared closer in the New Testament. She has a wicked
slider, if you know what I mean.
David steps in the batter's box. In the last inning, his pitching
provided miraculous results when he knocked the power hitter Goliath
out of the game with a 98 MPH fastball from his sling.
Should he make contact, he faces formidable opposition. In the
outfield, we have the Pharaoh and his two Generals roaming on their
chariots.
At first, the Emperor Nero is playing his fiddle. During the seventh
inning, he played a rendition of, "Take me out to the Ballgame," that
made the fire-sprinklers go off.
At second, King Herod nervously paces. He just had two of his
assistants killed because he thought they were stealing his position.
Words out he's still after Jesus. He ordered stadium security guards to
kill every man in the stadium 30 years and older. He's definitely two
candles short of a menorah.
At third, we have the traitorous Judas, who decided to join the forces
of evil after they offered him a signing bonus of thirty silver pieces.
And who was the manipulative weasel who brokered the deal? None other
than the shortstop Jezebel who's filing her spikes. This isn't quite
what the feminists expected when they demanded equality in
sports.
David needs to drive in just one of his teammates. On first, we have
the young prospect Isaac, who scored on a sacrifice fly by his father
Abraham in the eighth inning. The remaining runs in that inning were
scored by the Sicarii rebels of Masada on brilliant suicide squeeze
plays conceived by the manager Solomon, along with his coaches, the
Three Wise Men.
Presently, they're using their cognitive powers to figure out what to
do with the catcher Martin Luther, who's lying on his back five yards
away from the batters box. He ate too many stadium hot dogs and became
stuck at home plate. Unable to make it back to the dugout, they had to
roll him away to begin the inning.
On second, the hot-tempered Peter takes a lead. He's spiked several
opponents today with his cleats. Jesus, being the good sportsmen that
he is, ran from the dugout and healed them. Sadly, all he received from
these opponents were insults. Several spat chewing tobacco at
him.
Solomon gives a signal to Saul of Tarsus, who represents the winning
run on third. Saul is one fine prospect, but he's having problems
working with his Christian teammates. He almost came to blows with
Peter in the last inning, arguing whether it's sacrilegious to eat pork
rinds in the dugout.
The whole stadium is nervous, fidgeting with anticipation. All except
Lot's wife who ignored God's order not to watch and was turned into a
pillar of salt. Vendors are using her to season the peanuts.
The Whore of Babylon winds up. Here's the pitch! It's a 666 mph
fastball. David swings, barely making contact. It's a fly ball to
center. Apparently, David was distracted by the billboard sign in
centerfield of Bathsheba lying in a bathtub holding up a can of light
beer. The Pharaoh and his cohorts converge. It looks like the final
out.
Wait! From the dugout, Moses raises his arms. The turf begins to split
down centerfield. He's parted the green sea of grass, carrying the
Pharaoh and his crew back to the edges. The ball lands untouched. Not
bad for someone who talks to a bush!
It's an easy jog home for Saul. Hold on. A serpent just appeared in
the base path. It's Satan. He bites Saul in the leg, sending him to the
ground.
Unfortunately, God can't intervene since he used his one-pass when he
turned Lot's wife into salt. What a shame! (Damn good peanuts
though.)
The Pharaoh and his men have recovered. They're headed towards the
ball. But again, it's Moses to the rescue! Upon lifting his arms the
stadium sprinklers arise, flooding the outfield. The Egyptians are
slipping and sliding!
The Whore of Babylon is furious. She's yelling at Moses for
interfering in the game. She tells him to get back in the dugout or
she'll take his staff and twist it around his neck.
Jesus runs out of the dugout to heal Saul's bite. But before he
reaches him, the catcher Caiaphas throws off his mask, accusing Jesus
of blasphemy for not following league regulations by wearing sandals
instead of cleats.
The umpire Pontious Pilate agrees. Jesus is condemned to the locker
room. All will be lost if Saul can't be healed. Who's that running from
the dugout? It's the Gospel writer Luke, who is also a physician. Only
one problem. He's on his cell-phone trying to obtain permission from
his HMO. They ask him the rationale for treatment. Luke explains, "To
heal a life threatening bite, and save humanity from plunging into
eternal darkness!" The insurer states, "Invalid reason, procedure
denied."
Luke swears out the employee, threatening to sue. The man finally
relents telling Luke he'll authorize the treatment since he hasn't
requested any services for over 2000 years. However, he tells him if
the real person in charge was answering the request it would have been
denied, but he called in sick saying he had to go interrupt a baseball
game.
Luke disinfects the wound and patches Saul up. Luke then runs over to
Martin Luther giving him CPR. Luther's having serious problems with his
cardiovascular system. Being an anti-Semite he refused to eat the
Hebrew National hot dogs, instead opting for the higher in fat regular
ones, which clogged his arteries. Since he's a white Anglo-Saxon
protestant, he can afford a preferred provider health plan which allows
Luke to give him immediate treatment.
Meanwhile, Moses and the Whore of Babylon are still arguing. She takes
a baseball from her pocket and throws it at Moses just missing him by a
foot. Moses falls back into the dugout. She just brushed off Moses!
Moses is furious.
He charges the mound, his teammates follow. The members of the
opposing side rush the mound also. Fists are flying. It's a pier 666
brawl! Moses and the Whore of Babylon are going at it tooth and nail.
In fact, I think Moses just broke off one of her nails.
Since Saul is completely, healed he can now trot home with the winning
run. Wait, Satan's not finished yet! He's lost his venom, but now
relies on his manipulative skills. He tempts Saul like he did with
Jesus. He offers to make Saul the ruler of his entire kingdom.
He makes a vision of the world appear saying, "All this will be yours
Saul if you just follow down my base path." What a sly devil. He
remembers the mistake he made with Jesus. He's blotted out the state of
New Jersey! Satan then plays on his anti-Christian animosities.
Motioning to the hot-headed Peter who's trotting past third base he
says, "Here's your chance to give it to him. Run past Peter you'll
cause the third out!" He starts walking towards the protesting Peter.
Peter is screaming at him to go forward.
It doesn't look good! Hold on, Jesus from the locker room appears as a
bright light over home plate. But what can he do to persuade Saul who's
already been offered revenge and dominion over the world without New
Jersey.
He says, "Saul! I know why you've been bitter your whole life. It's
because you have the name Saul! If I had that name I'd be bitter too
and take my frustrations out on a minority religious sect!" Jesus makes
an offer, "If you follow down my base path I can give you a Christian
name like Paul."
"Wait a minute are saying I don't have to have this hideous
name?"
"Correct Saul, and I know you've been eyeing those pork rinds Peter's
been eating in that dugout."
"You mean I'll be able to eat pork?"
"Yes Saul that sinful delicacy can now be yours. Just don't overdue
it, or you'll end up like Martin Luther over there. That guy's ready
for the Deal-A-Meal program."
Saul is ecstatic! On the "Road to Home Plate" he changes his name to
Paul, he runs forward, stepping on Satan's face in the process. Look at
that man run he really wants to eat pork!
In the outfield the mud-splattered Pharaoh, has risen, picking up the
ball he hurls it straight for Caiaphas. Paul dives! It's going to be
close!
And......he's safe! Game Over! The Judeo-Christians have won the
pennant!!! The Judeo-Christians.....
Who's that running onto the field!?! It's the scorekeeper Josephus,
the traitor who collaborated with the Romans during the Jewish Wars,
and then wrote a history favoring his Roman masters which was notorious
for omitting key facts. Waving the scorecard he claims Isaac was
actually called out on strikes this inning, making it the third out!
That negates the run by Paul!
Isaac, Peter, and David are furious. Kicking dirt on the historian.
Paul would be angry, but he still hasn't recovered from the euphoria of
no longer having the name Saul.
Pilate looks at the scorecard, and goes by what's on paper. There are
three outs; the score is still 13-13. We're going to extra innings! And
the game goes on!

*I recently received a complaint from a individual from the south
saying this term was
offensive. He stated I risked alienating "one third of the population"
unless I
changed it. Therefore if you're from this region please substitute the
above word for
either, Yankee, carpetbagger, transcendentalist, northern
abolitionist, Kennedy family
member, your ex-boss, landlord, airport security guard, etc. I feel
it's important that
I keep on good relations with this region given that I am counting on
their vote on
Super Tuesday when I run for the Democratic nomination for
President.