A: Croydon, 1989-1991

It was June 1989, and I was seventeen. Our new house was terraced,
on Churchill Road, near Purley Oaks station. I arrived there on a
Saturday morning, having stayed the night with a friend. My parents and
Robin were half moved-in already.


That Monday I started at my new college in Coulsdon. The head
teacher chose a girl called Natalie to look after me. She was friendly
but I got on better with Susan, who also lived in South Croydon and
gave me a lift home in her car.


The college was following a different syllabus so I had to
start from scratch. There was a lot of extra study to do, which suited
me as I wasn't making friends. "To fit in here" Susan told me, "you
have to either be very cool, or else a complete geek."


On Friday nights I'd meet Tara at Oxford Circus and we'd go
to the cinema, then McDonald's. I kept in touch with Donna and Dionne,
but it wasn't the same. I took buses into Croydon and gradually found
my way around the shopping centre. It was just another London suburb,
but I felt like I'd landed on the moon.


At home I'd burst into tears for no reason, in the middle of
dinner. The rest of the family ignored this, sensibly perhaps. Then one
night I had a blazing row with my dad. I kept my feelings to myself
after that.


That summer I spent evenings in my room, with the lights off
and the window open, listening to my Billie Holiday records. 'I Cover
The Waterfront' was a favourite. I also liked Adeva's 'Respect',
Madonna's 'Like a Prayer', Soul II Soul's 'Keep On Movin'' and 'Back To
Life', Deee-Lite's 'Groove Is In The Heart', and Diana Brown's 'The
Masterplan'.


As term began again, I read a lot; I loved Graham Greene's
'The Heart of the Matter', but loathed Mrs Gaskell's 'North and South'.
I played the Stone Roses every morning as I got dressed, or listened to
Sinead O'Connor singing 'Nothing Compares 2 U' on the
radio.


"I wish you'd make more of yourself" my mother said. "I see
girls your age, and I despair. You don't look smart, your hair's a mess
?" I went through a jeans and no makeup phase. Then I started buying
vintage dresses from charity shops, combining them with the hippy
stuff.


One day in December, while I was on the phone to a
schoolfriend, the news came through that the Berlin Wall had come down.
There were revolutions in Eastern Europe. I went to anti-apartheid
demos, usually alone. I applied for English and Drama courses at
various universities, but received no offers. I even auditioned for
drama school, but without formal coaching my speeches were terrible
(especially the Shakespearean one).


When I passed my A Levels, my dad was overjoyed. He knew what
a rotten year I'd had. I got 'A' for English, 'C' for History, and 'D'
for Sociology. My mother was in Ireland at the time, but when she got
home she complained that I hadn't tried hard enough. With no university
place, I was stuck for another year in Croydon.



+++



By October I was working part-time in the ladieswear department at
Debenhams. I was always polite to customers and did well at first. But
one of the other girls, Lillian, took an instant dislike to me because
I didn't stay on Saturday afternoons. So it wasn't much fun when she
was there.


On Saturdays I went to a drama workshop at the Warehouse
Theatre in town. I liked writing sketches and besides, it was my only
hope of meeting people. Although it would be months before I built up
the courage to talk to anyone.


I was also taking a fourth A Level, in Law, and re-applying
to study English Literature at university. I received two conditional
offers, from Portsmouth and Lancaster. I made a new friend, Denise, at
the theatre class. She was sixteen and at school; she was sweet and
pretty, the kind of girl everyone liked.


Susan was now working on the jewellery counter at Debenhams,
which made my time there less boring. I had money saved for leaving
home, and spent the rest on records by Sonic Youth, The Smiths, My
Bloody Valentine.


On my eighteenth birthday I went to the cinema with my dad
and Robin. I cried, not just at the film ('Cyrano De Bergerac') but
because the day was an anticlimax. I decided to have a party for my
next birthday, inviting Susan, Denise and the others from the
Warehouse. Unexpectedly, it was a success.


Shortly after the party, I was made redundant. I wasn't
bothered though, and spent the summer with new friends like Lex,
Louise, Charlotte and Katharine. They were younger than me,
irresponsible yet with bright prospects ahead. Before long I was
drinking all I could, and it changed the way they saw me.



This lasted until my results came. With a grade 'B' in Law, I
accepted a place at Lancaster. My mum underwent a hysterectomy, and
stayed for a week in hospital. "You could be a nurse" she told me,
"because you're kind. You wouldn't like the hours
though."


It was one of the nicest things she's said about me. At other
times she was alarmed by the changes overtaking us both. My interest in
acting had waned, and I was drinking away my savings, while having
second thoughts about college. I wanted to write. But all my friends
said it was a great opportunity, and besides I had nothing to lose.