The Three Girls Who are Me

What does it feel like? What does it feel like? Nothing a normal person
could or would or should ever experience is like this. You will never,
hopefully, go through this. Words cannot explain it - and even if they
could you wouldn't understand the words themselves. Words are
meaningless. Punctuation, grammar?they don't help. I can't write it
down. And I can't act it out to you because I wouldn't be acting, not
even close. And it isn't as clear cut as it seems. Split personality is
only one of the symptoms. Illusions, delusions, voices, absence of free
will as your sub-conscious takes over your body. Schizophrenia - the
local kids call it schist. They don't know I have it. Being crazy
varies from person to person. From illness to illness. I'm sane enough
to know I am insane. Does that make sense? Again, words have succumbed
to uselessness. I'm Juliet, at current. None of us suffer from
delusions or voices anymore - Bob gave our physical body the pills. I
take them, Letty takes them and according to Bob Jules doesn't take
them but it works out okay. Bob is my psycho-analyst - which basically
amounts to him telling me what is wrong with me, which I know already,
and him being useless. He is also my (physical) boyfriend, but really
he's Jules. He knows which one is which when we come in. I stare, a
habit of mine, and I'm 'prim and proper' according to him. I wanted to
cream the slimebag for touching me - Bob Croeger, the most useless
psycho-analyst that specialises in personality disorders ever, because
he thought I was still Jules and tried to kiss me. Letty is our
original self, or the most similar. She cries, she is shy, she's scared
a lot of the time. She doesn't know how to handle a lot of situations -
which is how this started in the first place. She was raped. It hurts
ME sometimes because I can feel it but I don't remember. Bob says if I,
we, whoever Juliet Ruby Gardner really is, keep taking the pills, I'll
remember. The thing about schizophrenia is that it is practical. Letty
wanted to kill herself and her sub-conscious went on auto-pilot to stop
it. And to cope, she needed three people. I'm not depressed. Neither is
Jules. Letty is, but less. That is what Bob says. I hate Bob telling me
all this stuff because I wonder why I don't know. I don't remember
stuff for long periods of time, when I'm not me, I'm them. He looks at
me for a trace of Jules. She smiles a lot and sits down n his lap.
She's been wheedling him to stop the medication because without it
she's free. Free and crazy. It's good Letty and I take over. We'll
combine, if the medication works - in some shape or form. I don't know
what the hell Bob thinks he is playing at. He'll lose Jules. He'll lose
all three of us to ourselves. I know how to describe it now: It is like
that split second in between sub-conscious dream and waking. Where you
don't know who you are or where you are or anything at all but your
present state. That passes in a nanosecond. Except for us. Me. My life,
our life, is one long deja vu. What does it feel like? I can't speak
for us all. None of us can.