employment extra...

Daves house phone rings. The voice on the other end of the line is very enthusiastic.

Dave: Hello!

Gary: Dave?

Dave: Yeah.

Gary: Hello mate! It's Gary here from Employement Extra. How are you?

Dave: Good.

Gary: Pleased to here it mate.

Dave: Yeah. Me and Carol have just had a little baby girl and we're -

Gary: I didn't ask about them, did I? Listen! I've still got you floating on the books here. Are you still interested in becoming a productive member of society and being flushed?

Dave: I suppose I can work, yeah.

Gary: So the turd that won't flush wants me to pull the lever? Maybe I'll let you stew in shitty water for a bit longer.

Dave: Excuse me?

Gary: When are you available to work?

Dave: I can start next week.

Gary: Oh! Oh! Can I tempt you to start just a little bit sooner?

Dave: When?

Gary: Six hours.

Dave: Six hours? It's twelve at night. Where?

Gary: Nasa.

Dave: Nasa the space centre?

Gary: You know it then mate? It's quite a large local company based in Washington that specialises in the voyage of discovery outside the confines of earth.

Dave: Nasa where there the space shuttles are?

Gary: But we've only got one vacancy left I'm afraid. And I thought of my good mate Steve, didn't I?

Dave: My names Dave -

Gary: You're all the same to me, you lot! So are you intersted in being an astronaut mate? Just like that famous astronaut Buzz Lightyear chap, hey?

Dave: Buzz Aldrin.

Gary: Yeah, he may have been in space too.

Dave: He was. Apollo?

Gary: Oh yeah, the astronaut that ate Polos. I know him now. So, do you want the vacancy or not?

Dave: Me? In space? Doing what?

Gary: Have you ever seen button moon? You're basically Mr
Spoon, mate. The last Tina-Tea Spoon vacancy went this morning, I'm afraid.

Dave: What's the wage like? Out of this world, ha -

Gary: Ha - Minimum wage to start! But it will increase after the six month trial period. That's a promise mate.

Dave: How longs the job?

Gary: Five months.

Dave: This is crazy. I don't know if i could cut it as an astronaut.

Gary: Maybe I can help you decide. Is your little baby there?

Dave: Yeah. She's my little angel, aren't you?

Gary: Look her in the eyes. And if she, for whatever reason, hasn't got eyes, then you can alternatively just hold her close.

Dave: She has eyes. She's got beatiful eyes.

Gary: Look in here eyes! Now keep looking her in the eyes whilst I play out two scenarios for you. Which one do you prefer? (As a young child) My daddy is a hero who's been to space and I love him so much. Thanks Gary from Employement Extra. You're we're underated when you were an aspiring actor.

Dave: That would be nice.

Gary: Or! And keep looking in your babies eyes... (As a child) My daddy sits on his bum all day and smells. I've grown up to hate myself and self harm because he's a no-body.

Dave: My god!

Gary: (As a child) If only daddy listened to that nice man Gary from Employement Extra. If only the casting director would have listened properly too, then maybe Gary would be playing the part of Gary in Eastenders and not Ricky Groves.

Dave: Could being without a job really effect my baby like that?

Gary: Does Ray Mears shit in the woods?

Dave: America? How much will a last minute flight to America cost?

Gary: Can you put a price on being a father and a provider? It'll be quite sick if you did, wouldn't it mate?

Dave: I won't make America in six hours.

Gary: Wrong. America is six hours behind us now. Plus the six hours you've got in the UK. That's twelve hours. And you could ask me to say 'twelve hours' again in any emotion of your choice and I could act it out. Could Ricky Groves do that? Doubt it.

Dave: Twelve hours. Right! Right!

Gary: So, what's it going to be turd?

Dave: Turd? -

Gary: Mate!

Dave Looks at his baby girl.

Dave: For my little angel, yeah.

Gary: I knew I could rely on my good mate Clive.

Dave: My names Dave -

Gary: Does it matter? You still took the bait and now I'm reeling you in.

Dave: I suppose I best pack and be on my way then.

Gary: Oh! Oh! Have you got any steel toe capped space boots?

Dave: I don't think I have. Thrown them away.

Gary: (Whistles) OK! We'll provide them. But the cost will be deducted from your... wages? Yeah, let's go with wages. What size are you feet?

Dave: I'm a size eight.

Gary: Not in space, you're not. Everything grows in space. Everything. Oh! Oh! Have you passed your G Force Gravity test?

Dave: What? No.

Gary: I tell you what we'll do. We'll get a gyspy to spin you really fast in a waltzer and we'll pass it off as -

Dave: I'm not going! I think it's a stupid, bad idea.

Gary: You're not going now?

Dave: No.

Gary: You're not going?

Dave: I'm not going.

There are no words for a while. Just heavy breathing from Garys end of the phone. When Gary does speaks, it's with disturbed dissapointed despair.

Gary: Thanks a lot mate mate. You let me down.

Dave: Sorry mate.

The line goes silent for a while. Exept for a slow tapping noise.

Dave: Hello? Are you still -

Gary: What? What?

Dave: I'm sorry. Look! I actually know a former astronaut. Maybe if I speak to him -

Gary: You let me down. You let Carol down. You let you're little angel down. You've let Nasa and the space programme for life on Mars by 2060 down. You've let yourself down. And you've just cost my company money because I've speed ordered through a pair of steel toe-capped space boots. Nice one, mate!

Dave: Sorry.

Gary: You could of had a big fat space dick.

Dave: That doesn't matter in the slightest.

Gary: You could of had a big fat space dick.

Dave: I don't bloodie care about having a big fat space dick, OK? Don't you think asking me to go into space in a matter of hours on a different continent was a lot to ask? Really?

Gary: Wrong. (In a weird high pitched voice) Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Y'know what, mate? She's going to grow up and play the violin on her wrists with razor blades because of you -

The line goes dead

Gary? Mate? I want a big fat space dick.