My One Night Diary

I still love Emma. It hurts so much every day but do. I cried
tonight for the first time in ages, and I need sleep for work but I
cant sleep. I cant remember anything good that happened when I was
going out with Emma, I know that nice things happened, and I know what
they were, but I cant see them. I can only see the bad times, the times
I was nasty, the times I hurt her, and I hate myself. I cant hate her
for not caring when she finished with me, she was there for me so many
times when I needed her, I cant blame her for not being when she didn't
love me anymore. But I cant let go, I still love her even though I know
that when her mother died and I wasn't there, something snapped inside
her that I don't know can be mended. Or maybe now it is mended, but not
by me, in a way I hope it is for her, although it hurts me so much that
I couldn't. I don't know what I feel, she was my shining light,
everything that I wished I could be, and when she showed that she
didn't care that it hurt me, she wasn't the same, the same body but not
the person I loved. Still I cant let go, and I hope that the person I
loved is still there, that I can do better, though I know she loves
someone else and it will never happen. And my tiny hope is what really
hurts, every day its like a knife in me. I think if I didn't have hope
I could let go, and move on, though I don't know how. But I still hope
because I have never felt so sure in all my life that here was my soul
mate, and I cant seem to accept her loving anyone else. Its weird that
I could think that she could love me after the times I hurt her, but I
do, because despite how fucked up I am I have never loved anyone else,
never felt in the same league anything like I do about her. I love her
purely without lust, despite her beauty, I love her for who she is
inside, and that's why I worry about the change I saw. Worry isnt the
word, its too late for worries she loves someone else. When I see her I
cant even look at her, and I cant see her face anymore in my mind, I
think I have buried it deep. I cant look at the pictures I have, and
when I think about them I think about one picture. The picture that
Emma tore up after we broke up the last time and put back together when
we got back, and it reminds me of the pain I caused to someone I love.
I think about a happy ending, but there can be none, she loves someone
else, and I still love her, no matter how much I want to move on. I
just sit here and the pain gets worse everyday, not better as its
supposed to go. I cry and don't sleep. Ive thought about suicide, but I
think I'll just be crying on the next plane of existence, so I may as
well do it here. I hate my self-pity, its pathetic, and I don't want
other peoples pity, but I want someone that understands, and she was
that someone, who I would tell it all to without shame, but she is no
longer interested, she has her new life. Im glad that she is happy, if
she is, but it hurts so much that I cant take it that I cant make her
happy. I seem to be the only person who has faith in her and Raz
lasting, but I know that it can, and probably will, because she is the
only perfect person I have ever met, and she can put up with fucking
idiots, god knows she did it with me. I'm smoking too much, chain
smoking, and smoking weed too much. Smoking pot is the only think I
have found that can stop me thinking about everything over and over, it
makes me stupid enough that I can smile again. I hate myself that I
need it just to get through the day, but after 8 hours of this pain,
it's the only thing I look forward to, putting down the burden for a
while, my chemical therapy. I think about Emma when I broke up with
her, and she wasn't sleeping, taking caffiene tablets, and drinking too
much, and I know what she felt, that pain. I think that we could be ok
now, that we know the pain that could come, and never do it again, but
everytime my mind screams that she loves someone else, its too late,
her trust in me not to hurt her is gone, she loves him. And it hurts
again, but I still cant let go. Maybe I think I deserve the pain, maybe
true love never goes away, and I will end up never being happy again,
destroying myself everyday for how fucked up I am and making myself
worse. I so desperatly want to feel happy in my soul again, to feel
loved no matter what. I have to think about the fact that the last time
Emma went out with me it was for pity because I was crying, and that
hurts, that it wasn't for love, but pity, just pity. I thought that
what she wanted was me, but she doesn't, not now, not the new Emma who
went through he pain of her mother dying without me. She wants Raz, so
hardened to the world that he cares about nothing, and will hurt anyone
to get what he wants. A true survivor in the real world. I don't think
im designed for the real world, Emma wasn't either, but now maybe she
is, hardened by her pain. But im not getting hardened by the pain, im
not getting a thick skin, It just hurts and doesn't get better. And
maybe thats why it has become like this, Emma has got real, and im
still like this. Why cant I fucking let go. I don't want anyone to read
this, not my friends, not Emma, I don't want their pity, or hers, and I
don't know why I wrote it, I suppose I had to, let out the demons, so
maybe I can sleep, though I have to start work in only a few
hours.

I woke up late for work because I didn't get any sleep. I only have a
few days of holiday left, and I'm on written warning for my illnesses
because you are only allowed 1 day ill every 6 months. I still couldn't
sleep because there was still a million things I was thinking about. I
want to see Emma and break down, tell her all this, how sorry I am, but
I think I will just see pity in her eyes, and she will go home and
cooch up with Raz and tell him all about it, and he'll say "How sad,
he'll get over it", and they'll look in each others eyes and see love.
I feel so powerless to control my own head, I'm afraid of my thoughts.
I think I'm going to go to the doctors and get something to help me
sleep, I need it. I feel like something has to change, something is
going to break, the point of greatest weakness, I just hope it isnt
me.