A lust for all things thespian

Acting appeals immensely to me. I am obviously influenced by the
many movies that I watch and love; I am shamelessly drawn into the
false market of glamour and fame that acting, especially in Hollywood,
brings. Although I know that making a film wouldn't be as easy as
watching one is- slouched on the sofa with a bag of tortillas on a
Sunday afternoon- the finished product must more than recompense the
few months of acting (usually like a diva) that has to be put in
beforehand.
And it's not just the completed film that makes the job worthwhile:
splayed across the big screen, lining the shelves at Blockbuster,
brought out on fifty-seventh edition DVD with
never-been-seen-before-because-it's-crap-footage, deleted five second
shots, I mean, scenes, and 'the making of&;#8230;' feature, with
some guy wearing a baseball cap to cover his receding hairline
explaining his vital role in the film as scaffolding engineer. The
whole fa?ade of parties, premiers, interviews, and, of course money, is
so shallow, but yet so exciting.
I would like to be able to freely, honestly say, that the reason I want
to become a film actress is because I was born to entertain, that I
want the money to eradicate third world debt, that the fame and
adoration would make me even more grounded, and that I would stay
faithful to the husband who works in an Estate Agents in Yorkshire.
However, the real reasons that acting is so attractive to me are far
more superficial, with incentives including: partying until the break
of dawn at your Premiers, wearing the newest Versace gown and the
latest Jimmy Choo shoes as an expectation; being able to wear your
Versace gown to walk the dog across fifteen acres of land outside your
mansion in Paris/London/New York/Jamaica (tick as applicable) if you
want; and starring as the main love interest to Josh Hartnett is a paid
'job'! So what does it take to be a Hollywood actress? There must be
very exclusive criteria for the job, taking into account that only a
handful of budding actors hit the 'big time'&;#8230;
Beautiful or quirky people are popular with The Team who cast for
films. Let's face it, if you look plain and your talent is mediocre,
there's no hope for you. Unless your Daddy has 'contacts' in the
industry. If this is the case, then you can cheat, and slip past the
queues, through the back door of the movie business. However, your name
may be tainted, and your popularity with the public tarnished because
they will know you cheated. The common people that are the public love
a real-life 'rags to riches', or 'life of hardship' story, so it's a
bonus if your hamster committed suicide, or your mother shrunk your
favourite pair of Levi's at the tender age of twenty-three.
The key to a long life in Hollywood is public favour. So, first and
foremost, you must, either actually be able to act, or, have such
stunning good looks that you get mobbed by millions of men and women
whilst buying dishcloths in your local Tesco. The public generally like
variety, so if you can transform yourself from the evil but gorgeous
villain into the nerdy but equally gorgeous rocket scientist, then you
will impress, and keep your audience interested.
There is bound to be a film (or several) you do that the critics hate.
Be warned: critics are ruthless. You will need thick skin to block out
words and phrases like: "Person X lacks any talent and completely
drowns the film with his/her rigid movement and expressionless lines".
Didn't they see the sly lift of a shapely eyebrow when 'Person X'
revealed that Doris the sheep was, in fact, an alien come to attack
'defenceless civilisation'? Call that expressionless! Humph.
On the actual filming side of the job, a good memory is a necessity.
Forgetting your lines irritates everybody, including the King of the
film, the Director. And no, you didn't hear incorrectly, the director
(otherwise known as God, The Artistic Visionary, and, if you plan to
get the lead role by means best kept undercover, cough cough, Sexy) is
the King, not you. Bear that in mind, because egotistical actors will
fail.
Refrain from launching your space rocket and you won't mess up your
life with drugs, drink and false hopes. The public give preference to
genuine people, and will have more respect for you if you stay here on
Earth, and not elevate yourself to the level of the Gods.
So that is it. Do, and be, these things, and you will succeed in the
world of film. Unfortunately this is not the case. There is one prime
factor, which could determine your triumph: luck. Or lack of it.
There's no use waving goodbye to Twickenham with menaces of "I'll show
her where to shove her annual staff effort report&;#8230;she'll be
sorry when I'm rich and famous and she's stuck in her hole of an
office" and swanning off to Hollywood with your good looks, masses of
talent and thoughts of your name in lights (does that happen any
more?), believing that within a month there will be directors queuing
at your (10ft high security) gate begging you to look at their scripts.
Regrettably the old clich? of being in the right place at the right
time is incredibly valid.
Therefore, in light of this shocking revelation, I vow never ever to
pursue a glorious career in film. I shall take the safe route,
eliminating all sense of risk, and aspire to do something in the form
of media, or journalism. In fact, perhaps I will become a film critic,
and will vent my frustration at not having the courage to pursue acting
on the new and beautiful actors and actresses, and their movies...