Girlfriend

Make sure you're always happy, at least for the first few weeks; if
you're not happy then fake it because no one likes a grouch; you have
an unappealing tendency to get smart with people and you shouldn't get
smart with boys because it intimidates them; boys don't like to be
intimidated by girls because it makes them feel less manly; do not
undermine his masculinity at any time; if you make your man feel less
manly then he's less likely to hold open doors for you and carry your
heavy loads; do not under any circumstances attempt to hold open a door
for him because he will not walk through it; this is especially true if
the room into which you're entering is full of scruffy construction
workers gathering for their daily lunch break; if he does for some
reason walk through a door that you've opened for him it is because he
is trying to impress you with his sensitive side and it is undoubtedly
a one time occurrence that will haunt him for years to come; you don't
want that kind of thing hanging over both your heads because it will
only complicate matters; do however remember to reach over and unlock
his car door from the inside if he goes out of his way to unlock yours
first; this is a well-known relationship potentiality test popularized
by a movie starring Robert DeNiro and if you fail this test he may well
dump you on the spot; you don't want to be dumped on the spot because
it's a humiliating experience; you will also humiliate him if you
refuse to let him pay when he is set on buying dinner; do not force the
issue as it will only lead to annoyance on his part and regret many
years down the road if you play your cards right and are still with him
when he stops caring and starts expecting you to reach for the bill;
you'll be lucky if you actually get to that point with a guy; it's best
for you to not think of these things yet because you'll only jinx
yourself; focus on your date tonight and remember to ask about his
interests; ask about his family; ask about his schooling; ask about his
friends; ask about his job; don't appear unhealthily interested in his
job or you'll look like a gold digger; if his job involves dishes or
bleach change the subject; make sure he has something better in mind
for the future; although you have a lot to learn you are not yet to the
point of desperation; the last thing you need is to be stuck with an
unmotivated freeloader; don't tell him about your last boyfriend; don't
tell him about your undying love for that overpaid actor; don't tell
him about how your dad and your brother don't get along; he is not your
therapist; you don't need a therapist yet; if you again insist on
discussing your list of potential baby's names I will send you to my
therapist; for the love of God don't wear that blue makeup on yours
eyes, it isn't 1968; you are not leaving your shirt strings tied in an
bow like that; no don't undo the shirt strings, that looks terrible;
alright never mind, go ahead and tie the shirt strings how you had it,
don't completely remove the string from your shirt, now it's just
hanging open; fine, do whatever you want, just don't tell anyone you're
my daughter; when he gets here let me answer the door; why, so you can
mock his haircut like you did last time, I've never mocked anyone's
haircut, that would be rude; I genuinely liked that he didn't bother to
comb it, I thought it meant he was confident of his other shining
attributes; I never was a good judge of character; he is pulling into
the driveway now; hurry up and put your shoes on; not those ones, brown
and black don't match; don't order a salad for dinner, he can tell you
eat, there's no point in pretending; this one's hair is much nicer; of
course I won't tell him that; fine, I'm going upstairs, have it your
way; don't forget to thank him; if he walks you to the door later and
you don't want him to kiss you, just give me the sign and I'll flip the
light on.