Sammy's Mammy will ghee us mince and tatties for our tea

Everybody calls me Gegsy, everybody except for my Mammy that is, she calls me Greggor. My Mammy is a actress, she's been in a lot of toothpaste adverts. Every time my Mammy takes me to school people nudge each other and say ooh there's that woman from the toothpaste advert.

My Mammy has this thing about appearances; she likes to look her best at all times. She even puts lipstick on to go and get some milk. But she usually just sends my Da for that kind of thing.

My Da's a mechanic, everybody always says. Well one thing about you Gegsy, you'll always have clean teeth and a car to drive. They seem to think this is funny but I don't get the joke, I can't even drive yet I'm only 8.

My Mammy has this thing about food aswell, she never makes me and my Da mince and tatties. She will not even let my Da cook them for us she says its common food. My da always says there's nothing wrong with traditional Scottish grub. But my Mammy never listens to him.

So I sneak over to my pal Sammy's. His Mammys great, she cooks mince and tatties and stovies. When I go there I get to see Sammy's sister Sally she smells and picks her nose and eats it but she's the best looking lassie I've seen in my life. I think I will marry her when I'm older.

She's a musician, well she has a piano and can play twinkle twinkle little star with one finger but she's great at it. My da found out why I liked going to Sammy's so much.

He sat me down and asked me where I had been. I've just been to Sammy's I told my Da.

You smell mincie. He said

I, I, I, I have. I couldn't fib to my Da because well he is my Da. So I told him the horrible truth. That I went to Sammy's for mince and tatties. Its not my fault Da, I cried, they taste so good.

My Da then asked me a series of questions.

Was the tattie mashed my Da says.

Aye I said

Did Sammy's Mammy use oxo in it?

Aye I said.

Did Sammy's Mammy cut up wee bits of carrots and mix it up in it

Aye

That's it! My Da cried and marched over to the phone. He looked serious, I think he was talking to Mrs McTammy, that's Sammy's Mammy. After that phone call he left the room and I went to bed hearing no more about it.

The next day after school Sammy's Mammy picked me up because my Mammy was working. She was doing a advert for this face scream called hacket in a packet. it was supposed make women my Mammy's age look younger.

I asked Sammy's Mammy what was for dinner and she says square sausages and turnip. UGK I hope we get to Sammy's soon. When I got there my Da was sitting at the table in his work gear with Mr Mctammy.

When he saw me he smiled and winked, my Da's a jammy dodger but Mammy was still working anyway. I understood it was hard for a man to be married to a woman who forbids mince and tatties and other good grub in the house, although he is a Da just human like me.