The Politically Correct Scriptures of Chrislamindu

The Politically Correct Scriptures of Chrislamindu.

By Father Malachi Manyways – the Profit of Chrislamindu.

The Old Testament - Please don’t ever call it that. It offends the Jews. They don’t actually believe that there is anything old about it. It’s like Windows XP. Been around a long time, but actually, perfectly OK. Why would anybody ever want to replace it? Wasn’t the replacement responsible for some of the biggest problems in recent history? From now on I’ll refer to the Christian Old Testament as the Jewish scriptures.

Let’s have all the kind and gentle characters of the Jewish scriptures like Abraham, Joseph, Solomon and Jonah. I want the patriarchs who saved people’s lives, not the ones who fought in terrible wars. Noah’s a bit dodgy because God gives him all the animals for food. That would offend the Hindus. We can cut that bit out. Scripture should be less like a sit down meal, where you have to eat what you’re given, and more like a box of chocolates. Choose the flavour that you like. Which of the chocolates is God using to speak to you? Cut out all the psalms that tell people to fight in wars, or tell them not to worship idols. That will keep the Hindus on board. The high cast Hindus have got lots of money to spend on this book. If you sat a bunch of Christians, Jews and Hindus down together in a pub, I’m sure you’d find they believe the same things. They will when I’ve finished with them. All religions have certain things in common. They all have a moral code, even if that moral code is totally different. They all believe in prayer, even if their concept of prayer is totally different. They all believe in a God, even if their concept of God is totally different. They all have a concept of life after death, even if the details of that are totally different. The job of religious leaders is to make sure that our sense of right and wrong is so diluted, that our experience of prayer is so powerless, and that our concepts of God and the afterlife are so vague, that when we meet members of other religions, who have often been brainwashed by their leaders in the same way, we will say, ‘You’re just like me. You’ve got absolutely no idea what you believe either. All religions are exactly the same.’

The New Testament - We need to call this something else. I will call it the Christian scriptures. By the way, you Christians don’t own the Jewish scriptures, you only think they belong to you. There are some stories of Jesus that are generally accepted; the miracles, most of the parables, and the Sermon on the Mount. Let’s not concentrate too much on the things that differentiate Christianity from other religions, such as what happens to you after you die. Let’s just pretend that minor details like that don’t matter, and that none of us know where we’re going anyway. In order to remain consistent with other faiths, it’s necessary not to emphasise the deity of Christ too much. Jesus healing people, Jesus teaching, that’s okay. Jesus on the cross, Jesus rising from the dead, no.

The Quran - We could include the Quran in our Politically Correct Scriptures. We just need to miss out the verses that say anything about Jesus. Only one thing divides the muslims from the Christians, the belief that worshipping Jesus is idolatry, and that anyone who does it commits the sin of shirk and will go to Hell. Everything else in the Quran is acceptable to Christians.

The Hindu Scriptures - These are the scriptures that I really like. They’re so nice to everybody. Maybe that’s because they don’t really say anything. They are the fourth and concluding part of my book, the Politically Correct Scriptures of Chrislamindu. The bigger I make my book, the more money WH Smiths will charge for it. I’m entitled to 10% of retail sales. How many Christians, Muslims and Hindus are there in the world? Once you’ve found God, you’re richer than a billionaire.