Swine Flu Calls Centre Closure (Sequel to Hot Swine Calls)

Thank you for calling the national Swine Flu Emergency Pandemic Death, Doom, Gloom and Recovery Hot Line.

Before we proceed to give you the numerical options that you have available, we would just like to give you a few words from our hot line sponsors:

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Thank you for calling this number but we are sorry to have to advise that for reasons out with our control the Government has decided to terminate this public service. Due to the severity of the pandemic that did not happen it was felt that this line could be put to more useful social activities and if you will wait till the end of this message you will be presented with a series of entertainment options.

We also have to sadly announce the death of our one telephone operator from Swine Flu. Her death was a tragic loss to this service. It is recognized that Swine Flu can spread very easily but it cannot spread across the telephone lines so the claim from her relatives for damages is expected to be dismissed in the courts shortly. Failing this helpful outcome the Government’s policy will be to go to numerous appeals until such time as all of her living relatives have succumb to and died from Swine Flu themselves.

Rumors of a second wave of deaths should not be listened to by any of our callers as this was just put around by the manufacturers of the Swine Flu Inoculation Vaccine. Enough jabs have been purchased for all essential and at risk and surviving citizens of the United Kingdom. Lists of eligible people will be available from local party offices of the governing Political Party after they have been cross referenced with voting intention surveys being carried out prior to the announcement of the next election.

Thank you again for calling. Please now make a choice from one of the following options by pressing the appropriate number on your phone key pad:

Please press number one to choose to play electronic bingo.

Please press number two to enjoy some therapeutic electronic sex.

Please press number three if you would like to apply for the now vacant position of telephone operator. Please be aware that this position is considered a high risk occupation and the Government excuses itself from all liability should your position become vacant again due to possible death from Swine Flu infection.

Please press number four to speak to a human operator. Your call will be forwarded to the mortuary and some choir music will be played.

Please press number five to listen to these options again. This line will now play some very nice rock and roll music. Please note that the singer of this music a Mr. M Jackson is not available to receive any fan mail. This is a premium rate line. Thank you for calling and listening.