Little white van song

To the tune of Little White Bull (from Tommy the Toreador)

THE LIITLE WHITE VAN SONG.....

Once upon a time there was a little white van.
Sad because he couldn't do what other vans can.
All the Transits called him a coward
Made him quite distraught.
He got thumped up the rear by a Renault Traffic
Tooted by a Ford Escort.

Then one day he was bought second hand by a mech-an-ic.
Who soon discovered that our little white van was sick.
So he slapped in a brand new three litre engine
Made him come alive.
Added twin carbs, wide wheels and spoilers
Finally four wheel drive.

Now toodling up the motorway in second gear.
An Austin Maestro came alongside and started to jeer.
Our little van, he took up the challenge,
For the Maestro he could lap.
He chased it half the length of the M1
From Toddington to Watford Gap.

At ninety five with his tyres running hot he started to shake
So he dropped a gear, slammed in the choke, took off the
handbrake.
His speed shot up to a hundred and forty
It was take him now or bust.
He wheelied past on the M6 slip road
Couldn't be seen for dust.

He jostled for position with a big ar-tic.
Thought he'd take him by the M69 if he was quick.
Then he slammed on the brakes, there were three lanes of traffic
All going very slow.
He'd made the mistake of using the M6
On the day of the Motor Show.

So a handbrake turn on the hard shoulder north of Rugby.
With a hazzard light flash
He made a quick dash for Coventry.
A police car shot down the inside lane
And waved him to a stopper...
With his windscreen wipers like semaphor flags
He waved back "Up yours Copper!"

Our little van was finally caught in west Smethwick.
With his wing mirrors cuffed he was duly stuffed in Aston nick.
The next day to the Magistrate,
Despite the plea he stated.
A six month ban, a ten pound fine
And one wheel confiscated.

After the case and in disgrace at the back of the court.
Sentence was duly carried out 'cos they had to thwart.
Our little van from doing another crazy driving stunt.
They jacked him up in a padlocked compound.
Took off his nearside front.

Darkness fell, it seemed like hell to our little white van,
With his headlights dipped he sat tight lipped making his plan
Then he suddenly remembered something of which
The police were not aware.
Behind the door, under the floor,
Was a fully inflated spare.

Reunited with four wheels our little white van.
Thought I must get out of 'ere as quick as I can.
He hit the fence at a hundred and ten
And hurtled down the drive.
Did a smart U turn on the A38
And escaped down the M5.

.......So if you see a little van...that's a white little van
The advice of this man....is catch it if you can....

BUT DON'T TRY AND OVERTAKE THE THING !!!!