Learning to cry

CU

Judy sighed as Kelvin went offline. She knew very well why he had to
leave. His mother was probably yelling for him to help her with the
housework. Judy leaned back and stared blankly at the computer screen
for a while. There was nothing else to do online now that Kelvin had
left. She disconnected from the Internet and switched off the computer
after a few seconds of deliberation.

Spreading herself flat on her bed, she watched the fan spin. It was
Wednesday night and Judy was bored. Excruciatingly bored. She felt the
urge to start studying. With a sigh, she turned over and looked at her
clock. 9.15 p.m. She had sat for the SPM examinations a few weeks (or
was it months now?) ago. In some ways, she was glad to be finished with
school. But then again, it left her with nothing to do.

"Mom? Can I have the car on Friday?" Kelvin asked as he went
downstairs.

"Where are you going?" she asked, looking at him from the
ironing.

"Out with Judy. Kris, you coming along?" he turned towards his younger
sister. She nodded at him. His mother looked at him sharply.

"Out with her again? Do you really like her?"
Kelvin blushed and looked away. "I really do. But I'm protecting
myself."

"You know I don't like the family she comes from?"

"But mom, there's nothing to say about it!"

"You're old enough, I guess. Come, I need you to put these away."

"Dad, I'm going out," Judy called over her shoulder as she strapped her
sandals. Mr. Leong looked up briefly from the television and grunted.
"If you want to know, I'll be back by eleven." She sighed as she locked
the door behind her. She clenched her teeth and set a happy face as she
opened the door of the waiting black Proton Perdana. She slid into the
seat and buckled up as the car sped away from her house in Jesselton
Heights.

"So, how's it going?" Kelvin asked as he drove.

"Well, okay, I guess. I don't know? I don't seem to be doing much,"
Judy replied.

"You should start thinking about what you want to do next. College?
Form Six? Local or overseas? Take a break and tour the world? It takes
time to think and plan and apply, you know."

"Yes, Mr. Cheng. College, sir. Undecided, sir," she replied with a
laugh. "What are you, a career guidance counsellor?"

"Hm? I'm actually only an Upper Six student, but since you want it that
way, I could be that in the future. Check back with me in five years."
They burst out laughing.

"Hey, don't talk too much. I haven't decided what I want to do yet? and
I'm your sister," Kristine scolded her older brother. Judy sighed
again, this time with happiness.

"What, are you still carrying the weight of the world?" Kristine
teased.

"It just seems so nice to be with you. You're always so? happy and
jovial?"

"Loosen up, Jude. Things can't be that bad at home. Try talking to your
father. Involve him in your life."

"I've tried. He won't listen. He just doesn't care." The wall of tears
seemed to well up again, and Judy started cracking her fingers,
steeling her nerves against weakness. "I met Mei the other day. She
asked about Kel."

"What did you say?" Kelvin wanted to turn and look curiously at her,
but decided that keeping his eyes on the road would be a better
option.

"I told her that you were slogging away for your STPM and hardly ever
had time to spend with your friends," Judy grinned impishly.

"What? Am I that bad?" Kelvin glanced her way briefly. "Fine, tease me
all you want. I do need to score to get into university."

"To get into a prestigious university you can be a top-scorer with a
scholarship, or you can be as stupid as a cow and give lots of
donations."

"Unfortunately, the second option is not open to me at the moment.
Maybe when I make my million I'll get some extra degrees that way,"
Kelvin retorted as he parked the car.

In her room with an iced Milo on the table and her fingers poised at
the keyboard, she reviewed her day.

'18th January 2002. Kelvin is such a gentleman! We went for pizza and a
movie today and he paid for dinner. I told him, "No, I invited you to
come," but he insisted because he's the 'man'. I wish he wouldn't. I
know he's going through financial difficulties and yet? well some guys
are just nice. I don't think Kel is ever going to ask me to be his
girlfriend. He's not actually dating me, you know. He says he's not
going to date seriously until he's very sure that the lady is right for
him. I think he means that he's not going steady until then. I know he
enjoys going out with me, but he's not too comfortable with going out
with me alone. He said so again. I guess I should remember that next
time. Anyway, it's a great way to meet up with both my best friends -
Kris and Kel. You know, Kris still sounds like a guy's name and Kel
sounds girly?'

"Koko? I know it's really none of my business, but can I talk to you?"
Kristine leaned against the open door. Kelvin turned towards her. "What
about?"

"Judy. I know you like her. Come on, she's like one of my best friends.
I can't deny that she does like you? more than you know. But are you
sure it's right? I mean, she's not? you know? a Christian."

"I know that. You don't have to remind me. But?" he sat down on his
bed. "I like her too much to let go. Look, right now, there's nothing
on. We're just going about as friends, like in a group and all? why do
you think I asked you along? I'm not too comfortable going out with her
alone. I don't know what I might do." He felt suddenly defensive.
"What's it got to do with you anyway?"

"Well, you're my brother, and she's my friend. I just thought I had
some right to know more of what's going on." She turned away sharply,
slamming the door behind her.

A few minutes later, there was a slight tap on her bedroom door, and it
opened slightly. "I'm sorry. You're right. But can we not talk about
it?" Kelvin whispered.

"Okay, so I won't."

~

Judy Leong had enjoyed 13 years of "mother love" as she called it, and
sometimes it just hadn't seemed enough. Some people (especially her
peers) said that she was lucky she didn't have a mom to tell her what
to do, and demand that her own way was right. But Judy herself wasn't
so sure that it was such a nice thing not to have a mother, or such a
lucky thing not to have a mother's discipline in her life. She felt
herself rather old-fashioned, because she liked staying at home,
reading and occasionally cooking, although she always ended up making a
mess of the kitchen.

"Judy, be careful - be very careful of men. They are despicable
animals. Innocent? ha!
"Your father is a beast. You must learn to live alone! Build your own
life without the crutch of 'strong man'. They will destroy you.
Learn to be independent. Mummy's not going to be here for you all the
time. Make your own career. Don't be like me, always having to depend
on your father for money.
I was forced to marry him. I hate him! Don't ever say 'yes' to their
demands. Don't ever let yourself be put into a corner. Fight back -
tooth and nail! Once you compromise, you are gone forever. Your
precious flower - your gift - gone like that.
Girl, don't cry. Stand up for yourself or they'll bully you to
death."

Judy listened wide-eyed, sometimes uncomprehendingly as her mother
ranted against her father. She saw her father's apathy, his greed and
avarice; she watched silently as her parents quarrelled. It was from
Mother that Judy learned to be self-sufficient. It was from Mother that
Judy learned to be strong. It was also from Mother that Judy learnt to
be unforgiving.

~

'27th February 2002. The SPM results came out yesterday. Big yahoo. I
got straight A's. =) We went out you know, the old gang and I. Kris got
8As. I beat her by one only. But she wasn't disappointed. I don't know,
I think I should have been (slightly) if I were she. Her family's
great. They were rejoicing like anything with her. Father didn't even
ask. Oh, Mei got 6As. She cried a little, grouched a little, and then
went bouncing off with her boyfriend. Well, that's Mei - never serious
for long. Almost everyone has made plans already except me. I don't
know what to do. And of course there's no one to help me decide. I
haven't broken my happy news to father yet. I'm just wondering when
he'll say anything. It's not like I didn't tell him the results were
coming out today. Oh well, if he doesn't say anything by tomorrow
morning, I shall tell him. He may have forgotten. I know how
absent-minded he is.'

"Kris, he didn't forget. He just ignored it. Can you believe that?"
Judy said indignantly over the phone.

"What do you mean?"

"He totally ignored the fact that my results came out yesterday. He
just didn't bother about it at all. Not a whisper, or hint of
suggestion that he wanted to know."

"So? Maybe he just forgot."

"He didn't. I asked him this morning. I said, 'Do you know that the SPM
results were announced yesterday?' He answered, 'It was in the news.'
Just that!"

"So maybe he doesn't realise that? that you took your SPM last
year."

"Whatever. It's not like he has so many kids he can't remember who is
who or how old they are. He just hates me because I caused him to have
to marry my mother. They hated each other, so now he hates me as
well."

"I'm sure that's not true. He does love you. Maybe he doesn't know how
to show it."

"You're basing your case on lots of 'maybes', Kristine." Judy sighed.
"Do you think I could stay over at your place for a couple of days? I
just can't stand to be around him anymore."

"Well, okay, I guess. You've been over so often, I don't think my mum
minds anymore. But wait a sec, I'd better ask her first." The sound of
footsteps and shouting came over the line and in a few minutes,
Kristine came back and said, "Yup, mum says okay. And she reminds you
to at least tell Yati before you simply disappear like you did the last
time."

"Okay, Kris, I will. Anyway, it's not like I'm under-aged or anything,
you know. I'm already eighteen."

"Yeah, so am I, but still?"

"I get it. So see you soon."

~

The old people had called her "unnatural" as she stood dry-eyed at her
mother funeral. They called her "unashamed, cold, unloving, strange."
Why, she could not fathom. Her mother would have been proud that she
was strong. She simply ignored everyone. Everyone, that is, except Kris
and her family. They had been the only ones who did not condemn her,
although they didn't understand. Kristine had been her closest friend
since Standard One, and she sat silently by her side for many days
after the funeral. Kris had read the internal anguish behind the stone
mask. It was funny, but Judy could still remember what Kris said during
that period, five years ago.

"Cry, Judy, cry. You don't need to be strong on your own. Remember,
Jesus is strong when we are weak. He can support you. You need to let
your grief out. Letting go does not mean you are weak. It means you are
strong enough to forgive." It was funny that Judy still remembered
those words because right until now, she had not forgiven her mother
for dying.

Kelvin did things differently. He penetrated her thick shell by being
constantly in her face. "Come on out, Judy, no use moping," he often
told her when asking her to join him and Kristine on outings to church,
youth meetings, parties, camps and all sorts of activities. Judy found
herself making new friends and discovering new things to do. After all,
as Kelvin often said with his sympathetic yet cheeky smile, "A young
girl can't mourn for more than a year. You'll become a grandma if you
do."

~

"You actually read this stuff?" Judy asked as she picked up the black,
leather bound book. She flipped through it, looking more at the
colourful bookmarks than the book itself. It was falling apart due to
wear and tear, and passages were highlighted in yellow, green and pink.
"My mother used to read it, a long time ago. Before her life got messed
up. She told me." She continued to flip the pages back and forth,
reading the bookmarks. "I think she gave up on God when she got
pregnant with me, 'coz at home, it was always on the shelf of discarded
books. What's the point of reading it anyway?" She closed the book with
a loud thump, hating herself for bringing up her mother again.

Kristine stared at her. "Yes, I do read it. And the point of reading it
is to learn how God wants me to live my life." She gently took it back
from Judy's trembling fingers. They sat silently on Kristine's bed.
"What's wrong?" Kristine asked simply.

"God is pointless, don't you think? I mean, what does he do for you?
Oh, don't bother to answer, I know what you'll say."

"What will I say?"

"Probably something like, 'Don't mock my God,' but believe me I'm not
mocking. I'm just stating the fact that I don't believe in him."

"Seriously, what is wrong with you? You've just been so moody and
everything lately, not to mention the fact that you absolutely refuse
to go home even when your father finally called to ask what happened to
you. I mean? I don't want to be a busybody or something, but I do want
to know if I can help you."

"Doesn't that mean you do want to be a busybody?" Judy smiled
wryly.

"I guess," Kristine answered, breaking out into a giggle.

"Let's not talk about it now. Or rather, let's not talk about it at
all. Okay?"

"Maybe later. Sooner or later, you'll have to say something or you'll
burst. But later, whenever." Kristine frowned to herself as she left
the room. Why does everyone seem to tell me to shut up lately?

'25th March 2002. I still feel weird writing in a paper journal, but it
isn't safe writing in the Cheng family computer. I've been here almost
a month now, and I think I should stop draining their finances. But I
will not go home. I hate father. I will never forgive him. Kris keeps
on wanting me to talk. Talk about father, mother, 'God', going home. I
know she means well but? can't anyone leave me in peace? Why did mom
have to die? It's been 5 years. 5 stupid years with stupid father and
stupid maids and a stupid life. Uncle Wei Keong keeps saying that I
should love my parents. I guess he says that because he is a parent and
wants his kids to love him. But Kris and Kel have no problem with him.
He's always so nice. They don't understand having relations to someone
who just can't be bothered about you. I mean, if they don't bother
about you, why bother about them, right? Aunty Olivia says that I'm
running away from my problems. Yeah, running away from home, maybe, but
everything else is under control. As long as I'm away from him, I'm
fine. Oh great, Kel's knocking at the door.'

Judy stashed the diary under her pillow and opened the door. Kel looked
in. "What's up, Jude? Kris said you're moping. Anything to do with
daddy-o?"

"Not you as well? Why's the whole world suddenly so interested in what
I'm going through? It's not like it's really any of your business," she
said exasperatedly.

"Well, as long as you stay in this house, you're family? and in this
family, we share." He leaned against the doorpost, kicking at the door.
"If you don't want us to pry, maybe you should go home."

"Look, I don't know what I want and I don't know what's wrong with me,
okay? Maybe when I've got myself figured out then I can tell you." He
just looked at her silently, watching the frustration on her face, and
seeing the familiar scrunching up of her nose.

"It's okay, you know. It's okay to cry. It's okay to forgive. It
doesn't mean you're weak." Giving her a faint, sad smile, he silently
shut the door. Wait, she wanted to say, but couldn't. What did he mean
by that? How did he know? She stared at the closed door.

He paced the floor as he did now every night. He hadn't ever been close
with his daughter, but now without the noise of a teenager in the
house, everything felt strangely quiet and weird. He remembered the
sweet young girl he fell so desperately in love with years ago. They
had made a mistake, he knew, by sleeping together. Disgraced, he
married her, vowing to love her with all his might. It wasn't easy.
They hadn't really known each other. She turned spiteful after their
marriage. Slowly, they had drifted apart. The daughter, Judy, had been
a healthy, noisy baby. He worked hard, doing the only thing he knew how
to do as a new father - make money for the baby's future.

Strangely, it hadn't worked out right. He spent so much time working
that he hardly got to know the little child he had helped produce. And
suddenly, the mother of the child was gone. With his cold businessman's
face he had attended the funeral, but alone at night, he paced the
floor as he was doing now, feeling occasional droplets of water running
down his face. He didn't know what to do with the girl, so he ignored
her, like he ignored everything he couldn't understand. Was it right?
He now wondered. She was so like her mother. Wilful, headstrong, proud.
Tall, longhaired, graceful. What had he done wrong?

She sat at the back of the church. Kris was moving around with her
gentle confidence, talking to young girls. Smiling, laughing, hugging?
always looking back at her with inviting eyes.

"Why don't you come with me," she pleaded. Judy shook a sad no. She sat
in the corner by herself, hardly smiling at all. People passed by,
saying, "Hi, God bless," but she stopped listening and responding after
the first five. Kelvin stood talking seriously with Francis, his
closest buddy. She could see the frown on his face, and the sad lines
near his mouth that showed that he agreed with what Francis said,
although he didn't like it. They looked her way, and she knew. They
were talking about her. She looked straight ahead towards the empty
stage. Aunty Olivia and Uncle Wei Keong were talking to the preacher.
Aunty Olivia looked worried. It had been 6 weeks since Judy had left
home. Father had called once. Judy fell to thinking, something she did
a lot nowadays. Francis and Kelvin came up to her.

"Hey, Judy. How are things?" Francis asked.

"Oh, well, okay I guess."

"Where will you be studying? Have you planned yet?"

"No, I haven't."

"How's your dad?"

"He's? okay." So he didn't know that she'd left home. She looked
inquisitively at Kelvin. He shrugged. Aunty Olivia came up at that
moment with Kristine. "Come on, let's go."

"You didn't tell him?" Judy whispered to Kelvin as they went to the
car.

"No, I figured you wouldn't like it," he answered.

"Thanks."

He couldn't stand it any longer. Why should his daughter spend other
people's money and hard work when he had done all he could to provide
for her? Why should she choose strangers over her own blood? He paced
the room. I should take her home. Take her back. Force her back. He
frowned to himself. Would it change anything? Not really. He was still
pondering the troubling issue when a call came.

"Hello?" He answered gruffly.

"Hello, is this Mr. Leong, Judy's father?" a
lady's voice said on the other side of the line.

"Yes, who is this please?"
"My name is Olivia Cheng, Kristine's mother. Judy is currently staying
with me."

Pause.

"So what do you want from me? To pay for her board and lodging?" Mr
Leong finally answered.

"No," she said back coldly. "I want you to take more interest in your
daughter."

"Don't I give her enough? She has all she wants."

"She doesn't have what she wants the most."

"What's that?"

"Your love. Your attention. Your interest."

"I have given all I know how to give."

"You haven't, Mr Leong. Let me tell you something. You have a very
broken daughter. She's still hurting that her mother passed away, and
she's bitter that you don't take much interest in her. Do you know the
pain she feels that you can't even remember a single thing like her
birthday? Or remember to ask how she did in her exams?"

"No, I don't know and I can't imagine it. She should grow up."

"She has grown up. She's grown up the only way she knows how. The way
you taught her - by running away, and not facing what needs to be
faced."

"And so what do expect me to do now that you say I've messed up?"

"Change. Come to my place tonight. Say what needs to be said. Do what
needs to be done. I'll expect you at eight."

"Jude, you need to face up to reality. You need to face your problems
and go home. Make your own future. Don't waste your life," Kelvin
said.

Judy turned away from him. "What did you tell Francis about me?" she
asked, evading his statement

"Nothing. Really. He just? he was just telling me something I knew all
along. Something that I need to tell you now." Kelvin's voice trembled
and faded. Judy could hear his sharp intake of breath, as if steeling
himself for something. "I? I don't know if you've assumed anything
about our relationship or anything. I certainly haven't said anything
about it. But I know one thing now. I need to tell you clearly that it
will not work." The voice that had been gaining in strength suddenly
stopped. She finally turned around to look at him. "Why?"

"The Bible says not to be unequally yoked. You're good, smart and
everything that I could wish for but you are not a Christian. And I
think ultimately, this will affect both my faith and our relationship.
That's why."
She looked at him curiously with her brown eyes full of confusion. She
shook her head and her features cleared. "So I won't turn out like my
mom," was all she replied. And she clenched her fists and steeled her
nerves against what she knew would come out soon. She could feel the
moistening around her lashes but no. She could be and will be strong.
She got up quickly and walked with her head high, heading up the
stairs.

"Judy? I?"

"Forget it, Kelvin. It's okay. Really. I understand." I won't
cry!

Kristine had told her that her father was in the house. Had been in the
house for almost 2 hours now. Judy paced the room she shared with
Kristine, frowning. Kristine lay on her back looking at her. Two hours!
What were they doing? Surely not forcing him to take me home. Two hours
talking in the living room so quietly I can't hear anything from the
stairs.

"Sit down, Jude. You're making me tired," Kelvin grumbled, getting up
from the chair he'd been pushed into.

"I'll pace if I want to. You don't have to watch," she growled.

"How can I when the two of you force me to sit here with you?" he
growled back.

"Oh, go away then," Judy replied irritatedly. He took her by the
shoulder, making her stop and look up at him.

"Why are you so worried?"

"I'm not worried, Kel. I've told you that already."

"Jude, don't make like this isn't bothering you. You started by
clenching your fists and now you're pacing like a tigress and cracking
your nails. I can read the signs, girl. Now just shoot. What is
wrong?"

"My father is down there," she hissed, "I don't know what they're
talking about, and they are taking way too long. They're planning
something without me and?"

"Judy, don't be silly. Mummy's just talking to him. They're not
planning anything," Kristine piped up from the bed.

"Talking to him for two hours? About general stuff? I'm not the one
being silly."

"Mummy's a counsellor, don't forget. And Daddy's there too. You know he
won't just chase you off."

Judy wanted to yell at Kris, but she was right. She knew they
wouldn't.

"Oh, but what are they talking about?" she said in frustration.

There was a light knock on the door. Judy flung it open.

"Go down, Judy. Your dad wants to talk to you," Aunt Olivia said
softly.

Glancing at Kris and Kel, Judy took a deep breath and left the
room.

"Judy, I'm sorry," was all he could say before the once-stilled tears
started flowing again. Judy watched him with wary eyes. And they
talked.

It was to a weeping man that the girl finally made her reconciliation
an hour later. It was as an equally broken human being that he finally
made friends with his offspring. And it was as a tired enemy that she
finally made her peace. And tears that should have flowed five years
ago now coursed their way down her sweet, gentle face, bringing with it
the strength of forgiveness, not the bitterness of weakness. Judy had
finally learnt to cry. It was not too late.