Platform Alterations

Watching you leave on the train... I feel a part of me leaving too.
I act a bit daft on the platform - try and make you smile, the moment
is cut short by the whistle; and your train moves away from me. I walk
alongside your carriage, try to keep up with your window, it moves
faster and faster - till soon you're gone, and I'm staring at the back
of the train moving off into the distance. You now behind locked
carriage doors, where our touch is severed. I feel the loneliness of
your missing hand, wish I hadn't said some of the things I'd said when
I was with you, not meaning them. I want so much to fill you with joy
and good vibes, that I try to send them out over the sky - to your
speeding train.

I love you - but without restrictions, without conditions; there are no
expectations, no demands, no complications, no anything. We were
friends first and we will always be friends, that is eternal. I love
you for who you are, and in that love I want only your happiness and to
see you fly free of your cage, for you to feel the wind under your
wings; for you to be fully alive again. To see a huge smile on your
face... as we live our dreams together. In a place where the sunsets of
orange, blue and red, reflect off the lapping clear water, like our
happy/sad/passionate thoughts do off our minds; and no artist in their
right mind would want to miss seeing those colours. Would want to miss
walking along shores filled with crystal chatoyant rocks, shells, sea
dragons, and the bleached beauty of driftwood, that maybe has travelled
far... and has stories to tell in it's own salt dried grainy way - a
place that points to the creative soul of God's artwork; and inspires
my own.

Sometimes in life you have to take chances, make sacrifices; have to
fight for what you want, for the things which make you happy. Believe
in yourself, your future and what you're doing; else you stay forever
dreaming and never wake up.

I kept that shell you gave me on the train, the one the colour of my
shirt; I will hold that shell and trust in this new life. Hold in my
hand a promise sealed in something natural we shared: walking along
that beach together, buzzing off the colours of earth, sea and
sky...

My arms feel empty without you. Sat here on the train, I look out of
the window and see the spot where I met you, a year ago from today. The
weather is the same as it was then. I remember the first time I saw
you: you were sat on the steps, wearing your green hat, waiting... I
loved that hat. You wore the hat so I would be able to recognize who
you were. You greeted me with a warm hug, that I'll never forget. That
day, meeting you by the Licky Hills - has changed my life. I've come a
long way since then. I feel as if I am coming alive again, full of this
creative potential I always knew I had, but kept buried deep inside,
something you helped me to realize and understand, to not be afraid
of.

This year we're moving on; going to live somewhere close to our
hearts... it's scary, cause we're leaving behind those things we
thought made us secure, but they never did, it was only false security;
keeping us prisoner to memories and sadness. Unhappy bland security,
that made us feel dead inside. Trapping us in dreaming only and never
waking up - never reaching for the stars.

Change is healthy... I have positive feelings about this year; the sun
is shining bright at the moment, filling the world with invigorating
energy and the sense that all things are possible. I saw two geese fly
over my head, and it felt like a good omen. That we were doing the
right thing. I won't worry about things... not anymore, have done too
much of that, no, I'm going to enjoy each and every moment of this; for
the time has come to just live life unhurried and stress free - to live
a day at a time and smile. We'll be ok...

I look at all the stuff I've accumulated over the past five years...
and wonder how I'm going to pack it all in time to go... because soon
I'll hand in the keys to my council flat, cancel all my modcons, give
away some of my belongings, throw junk away - and never come back.
Never walk down to that bleak centre again to catch my bus into town;
never walk through the woods I've grown fond of over the years and
thought of as my own secret place. No more looking back, but looking
forward now. I remember five years ago, I had nothing, just a small
rucksack with a few items in it and a yidaki; now I'm surrounded by so
many things... I wonder how it could have happened.

I've got to do this, I've got to go, I can't stay here anymore; I have
to live again... take a risk - I am dead here. I don't need all these
things, I don't feel free, it's like my possesions are possessing me. I
can't spend another year here. I long to go where the colour is, to be
with you. No more clinging to the rocks on the riverbed, time to flow
with the current that takes us places. I don't want to grow old with
regret in my heart wondering about what could have been. There is no
turning back, and I don't want to turn back even if I could. I shall
walk forward and believe in what I'm doing with all my heart. Cause I
believe that good things are going to happen to us this year, and I
trust in this. There is something healthy about throwing away old
things, it's like shedding an old skin, and becoming something fresh,
someone new - it feels healing... exciting.

Ben watches me like a hawk, sensing something is happening as I pack
things up and the flat slowly gets emptier and emptier. Starts to echo
with my voice when I speak. Posters come down off the walls, bookshelfs
become empty, ornaments go to new homes. Boxes full of stuff, wait to
be collected. Black bin bags wait for a tip run. My bike is all fixed
and waiting for me outside, will have to put it into storage for a bit
and come back to collect it. Spent a few hours on it today, being
gentle with it on the roads, it was shaky at first wouldn't do over 30
mph, the gears were a bit jammed, but the clutch was working fine, it
was like I was waking it up again from a deep sleep. But with gentle
persistence, and belief: I got the gears working again, and soon it was
back in form and doing over 50 mph, and I was laughing with joy and
feeling the wind in my face. Shouting: "I knew you could do it, I knew
it... whooohoo." It's a tough little bike, and a faithful one, a real
character; and it's definately coming with me. I love that bike. For a
long while I didn't believe I'd be able to fix it, but I did it, I got
it up and running again, I fixed it, and I feel real chuffed about
it.

Ben will love it where we're going. It was five years ago when I
befriended him, took him home with me, it was when I first moved here.
He had nowhere else to go - noone else wanted him. He was alone and
sad, and I made friends with him. I gave him a chance to live his life;
and we've had a few adventures together... stuck by one other through
thick and thin. He could have ended up in a dog home; or in an inner
city prison of concrete and steel; a pet that people may of got bored
of, dreaming of running free; or maybe he would have ended up somewhere
cool. Who knows where he could have ended up - but I'm glad he ended up
with me. He looks at me with trusting eyes, and I find that look
humbling. Now he's going to move with me to one of the most beautiful
places on earth, with two safe people who love him to bits - and that
makes me smile.

I gaze out of my living room window at the garden my neighbours do a
real good job of tending. I look out at the bright daffodils, listen to
the birdsong - think of paradise... think of you. I will go there
holding that shell you gave me - trusting in positive things... cause I
know I'm doing the right thing, and this move will be a good one.