Confessions of an “Atypical” Fitness Instructor

“You’re not a typical fitness instructor, and I love it!” said my participants…

Thanks?

I usually smile and throw a subtle glance at the mirror to make sure there’s no hair tangled in my microphone or to ensure each piece of spandex fits how I had planned it to.

I leave work with confidence; they loved me. With a quick check around the area, to make sure all of my participants returned to their cars, I light a cigarette. I smoke and walk home.

It’s one of my favorite times of day because I love my job more than almost anything else. I made it through another successful class and get to enjoy this victory lap I so obviously deserve. If only I can tell everyone. At the end of every class just tell everyone “you don’t know how much I LOVE THIS.” How I want to be HERE with ALL OF YOU every night. I want to be your role model because I am GOOD at this. My form is perfect and I’ve had just the right amount of dance training and exercise bulimia for you to like me.

And I’m funny. I can make people laugh with 25lbs on their back after 30 squats with 30 more to go. They laugh when I tell them I haven’t moved in three days and this chest press is HARD. Or when I cringe with prudish pride when the “Whistle Song” comes on because I’d rather not think about the specifics of fellatio while I do crunches.

It’s all real too. I am real. It’s not some performance, or my way of burning calories while I pretend to invest in your physical fitness. I do care about your physical fitness. Ask me questions. Talk to me after class. I will offer advice, or not, and listen to your qualms and queries. For the most part I can empathize with you- especially if you tell me your name; we probably have more in common than you think. But this isn’t all of me.

I endeavor to represent something more than paramount fitness. You know, deep down I constantly ask why I deserve it. Why do I, out of so many students, receive consistently positive accolades; how can I reap the physical, social and emotional benefits of being fit with conviction? Especially on the days when the back row of my class is blurry by track five out of ten since I hadn’t eaten yet that day. In the back of my mind I know I’ll get high and eat dinner as soon as I get home, I promise. The Adderall I took to finish that paper earlier is starting to wear off. C’mon guys just a few more lunges and you’re outta here!

You see ME up there. A seemingly holier-than-thou dreamer packed into a body of muscle, sweat and contradiction is someone I call a human caught in the depths of reality. But do you see me? Does it matter?

This is a shout out to anyone who has ever felt they don’t deserve their successes. Anyone who has trouble finding the words to describe how much effort goes into what they do. Those who cannot articulate the amount of gratitude felt towards every supportive force along the way. To anyone who has ever questioned if they’re being true to themselves every time they accomplish something. Anyone who strives to present his/herself to the world and help people in a way that feels… right.

Dive into something that represents you. You might just be really good at it.