Panic
By Naomi Abdull
- 756 reads
She looked at the kitchen. In her eyes it was a mess. Cups strewn across the worktop, dirty plates piled high, books and paperwork scattered across the dining table. She sighed as she picked up the cups and placed them in the sink, turning on the hot water tap in an effort to lift some of the grime that clung to her crockery. As the steam from the hot water rose she stared at the sink, her mind elsewhere, looking at the day ahead. She had not heard the heavy sound of footsteps hurtling down the stairs or the chair legs scraping against the lino of the kitchen floor. She didn’t sense the presence of her husband standing behind her, looking for what had caught her attention.
“We’ll have no hot water left!” His arm stretched from behind her, his body lightly touching hers as he turned off the tap. She held her chest.
“God, do you have to creep up on me like that. For God’s sake, what’s wrong with you?” She moved away from the sink and sat at the table.
“What’s wrong with me? “ He gestured wildly. “What’s wrong with you more like!” He said as he leant against the sink.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” She watched him irritably touching the wet patch on his shirt at the base of his spine.
“Well,” he said still rubbing at the wet patch on his back. “You’re the one standing there staring at a bloody plate!!!” Her eyes averted from his and he knew he had to tread carefully. He knew that one wrong word could be the difference between minor bickering and a full-blown argument.
“I wasn’t staring, I was thinking.” His furrowed brow softened as he walked towards her. He pulled out a chair from the table.
“Oh Simon why can’t you lift the chair! It sounds so awful scraping against the lino! How many times do I have to say…”
“Forget about the stupid lino Nina!” His voice travelled throughout the house. He sat down and held her hands in his. Her eyes avoided his gaze.
“Nina,” he said, his voice a fraction above a whisper. “Nina, if I could go with you I would but I’ve taken so much time off since…” Her eyes looked up fleetingly. “Well you know…….since what happened.”
Nina removed her right hand and placed it on top of his, her thumb lightly caressing it.
“I know that you’d come with me if you could,” she said smiling at him reassuringly as he looked at her unconvinced. “Really!” she said her smile widening. “Besides, you can’t go everywhere with me. I’ll have to go out on my own at some point, otherwise I’ll become one of those hobbits.”
Simon’s concerned face broke into a smile. “You mean a hermit?”
“Isn’t that what I said?”
“No you said hobbit, as in Lord of the Rings.”
She laughed lightly.
“Now that would be something wouldn’t it, you coming home to find me as a hobbit with hairy feet.”
“Well you’re already half way there.”
“Oi,” she said punching him lightly as he squirmed in his chair.
“Seriously though, call me when you get there or even when you are travelling if you feel…”
“Babe you’ll be at work.”
“I don’t care, promise me!” She looked into his deep brown eyes filled with love and concern and she caressed his freshly shaven face.
“OK, I promise. Now get off to work otherwise you’ll be late.” Simon glanced up at the wall clock and saw that it was quarter past eight.
“Crap,” he said jumping up and kissing her lightly on the forehead before running out of the kitchen and grabbing his jacket off the banister. Nina stood in the doorway of the kitchen watching him hurriedly put on his jacket and grab his satchel.
“Bye hun. Love you!” he said as he ran out of the door.
“You too.”
She locked the door, putting on all of the bolts and leant against it. Her heartbeat started to escalate as she whispered in her mind, “It’s fine, I’m fine”, over and over again until it steadied itself.
She walked back into the kitchen, saw the mess and turned around heading for the stairs. She got undressed and into the shower, thinking of excuses for not going. She didn’t have to go, it wasn’t compulsory, therapy was her choice, their suggestion, she didn’t have to go. As the hot water embraced her body and the steam whirled around her covering the glass walls of the shower, these thoughts filled her mind. She switched off the water, drew back the glass door and stepped out of the shower. She walked over to the mirror above the sink and wiped away the condensation. She stared at herself, a tear from her left eye rolling over the light scar on her cheek. She wiped it away and marched out of the bathroom determined to get ready, determined to go out.
As she dried herself she switched the radio on. The song “Somebody’s Following Me” by Steeleye Span came on. She switched it off. She got dressed, put her face on, packed her bag and ran down the stairs. As she put on her jacket, she caught a glimpse of herself in the hallway mirror. Her face was fearful, her smile gone. She shook the image from her mind, grabbed her keys and opened the door. She stepped over the threshold, the sound of the closing door boring a hole right through her. She swallowed as she locked it.
She walked briskly, the cold wind sharp against her face. She flipped her collar up and put her hands in her pockets as she turned onto the main road. The familiar sound of horns, engines and traffic light signals making her feel slightly more at ease, replacing the silence and abandonment of the side streets. She got to the traffic lights and pressed the button, the “wa” of wait illuminating while the “it” remained unlit.
Slowly the cars came to a halt and she began to cross the road. As she crossed she started to visualize the route in her mind, repeating it over and over as she turned off the main road. Dollis Hill station was in view.
She could hear loud raucous laughter. Her eyes darted around the residential houses leading up to the station. It was then that she saw a group of boys laughing and joking. Her heart immediately began to beat a little faster and her steps started to quicken. One of the boys noticed her, his eyes scanning her body from head to toe to head. Nina could hear them saying “Go on, then, go on,” as she approached. Her throat became dry and she started to feel stuffy in her jacket, memories of that evening resurfacing.
“Morning, beautiful,” he said and with that she hurtled into the station, the sound of rapturous laughter ringing in her ears. She ran through the ticket barriers, her heart in her mouth, her trachea getting narrower.
When she had reached the platform she sat down on the nearest seat, her head between her knees, her breathing erratic.
“The train now approaching is going to West Ham.”
“Are you OK love?” She felt a man’s hand on her back. Her body immediately recoiled.
“What the hell are you doing? Get away from me!” She said clutching onto her bag ready to use it as a weapon.
“I was trying to see if you were OK you mad cow!” He said startled, his voice being drowned out by the approach of the tube.
Nina walked hurriedly along the platform and got on as soon as the doors opened, her body pushing past passengers getting off.
“Are you blind?” she heard someone shout at her, but she didn’t care.
The train was packed. People were everywhere, talking, laughing, staring. She leant against a glass pane by the door, her breathing becoming even more erratic, as the walls of the tube closed in. She felt hot, dizzy and nauseous. She could barely stand.
“This station is Willesden Green. This train is for West Ham.”
Hold on, she thought. Not long now, she reassured herself, but her efforts seemed to be in vain, as she struggled to breathe, her weight of her body becoming too much.
“Love, you look like you need to sit down,” said a man who gestured towards the seat that she had just sat in. She wanted to sit but she couldn’t move.
“Love,” he said taking hold of her arm.
“Stay away from me!” she shouted. Everyone on the tube looked and whispered.
“Are you bothering her?” Shouted another man.
“No, I’m just trying to help her,” the man said in defense. “She doesn’t look well.” Nina held her chest and as she leant off the glass.
“I’m fine,” she said, as she fell straight to the ground.
She was not sure how long she was out for. It could have been 5 minutes or half an hour, but she awoke to find herself no longer on the train but lying on the platform. She tried to sit up but her head felt like a weight pulling her body down.
“What happened?”
“You collapsed love,” the man said as Nina recognized him as the person who offered her seat on the tube. “The paramedics will soon be here.”
“Paramedics! I don’t need paramedics. Its nothing,” she said as she struggled to muster the strength to try and stand.
“Looks like they’re here, so there’s no use struggling,” said the man as the paramedics came down the stairs.
“Hi, I’m Peter, your paramedic and this is Jo. What’s your name?”
“Nina,” she said trying to fix her posture. “This really is quite unnecessary.”
“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that? Now can you tell me what happened?” He said as Jo started to open the bag and take out various medical apparatus.
“She looked quite unwell and was clutching her chest before she collapsed,” said the man.
“Has this happened before?”
“No. I, I couldn’t breathe and my heart was racing and the next thing I knew I was lying here, on the platform,” said Nina in disbelief at what had happened. The paramedics sat there and went through a series of questions, as Nina got more and more irritated.
“Well Nina, all your vitals are OK. Your heart is beating a little faster than normal but that is understandable due to what has just happened. From what you’ve said you seem to have suffered from a panic attack. Did anything stress you out before you collapsed?”
“Not that I can think of,” she lied.
Peter sighed. “Well I suggest that you go and see your GP as soon as possible. In the meantime try to rest. We’ll take you home.”
“No that’s fine. I’m perfectly capable of getting home.”
“Have you seen yourself love, you’re in no fit state.” She scowled at the man.
“Nina that wasn’t a request,” Peter said as he and Jo helped her onto the stretcher. Nina turned to the man.
“Thank you for staying with me.”
“You’re welcome,” he said as they carried her out.
The paramedics made sure that she was comfortably indoors and it took all of her efforts to stop them from calling Simon. She did not want him to worry or think that she couldn’t cope. She was fine. It wasn’t a panic attack she thought. It couldn’t have been. She fell into a deep sleep and was woken up by the key in the door. She glanced at the clock confused. It was only 2.30pm.
“Simon? What are you doing home so early?” she said as he dropped his bags by the door and sat by her outstretched feet leaning across her body to give her a peck on the cheek.
“I felt bad about not being able to make the session this morning and so I thought that I would come home early to see how it went. I left straight after the meeting.” She looked at the floor.
“I, er, didn’t end up going.” Simon leaned back confused.
“But why Neen?”
“I wasn’t feeling too well. I’ve been lying on this sofa all day.”
“Are you crying wolf?”
“No, Simon, come on, I just didn’t feel good. Look I know how important it is that I go. But I’m not going anywhere when I’m unwell.” Simon looked her in the eyes and then placed his hand on her forehead.
“Well, you do look a bit peaky and you are a little warm. Ok, I’ll let you off this time but next week I’ve booked the time off so I’m coming with you.”
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“Yes I did. I should’ve been there today.” He kissed her forehead and got up.
“Well I’d better make some dinner for the patient. Lamb casserole?”
“Sounds delicious, hun. Thank you,” she said turning away from him, a lone tear rolling down her face.
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Comments
Intiriguing theme and liked
Intiriguing theme and liked the natural dialogue between Nina and Simon. Perhaps consider editing the over-use of 'she' throughout? I'm assuming you've incorporated it in that style to represent building panic, but I found the repetition got in the way of the story's flow. A good story.
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