Wake me up in the new year

She smiled as each person said goodbye with a variety of “Merry Christmases” and “Happy new years” as they left the building, each one of them looking into her glassy eyes, theirs filled with pity.  She stayed behind as late as she could, delaying the long cold walk home, knowing that she would only be welcomed at the end of it by an empty flat.  As she entered she threw her keys on the side table, kicked off her shoes and launched herself onto the living room sofa.  There she sat slumped in her overcoat, staring at the wall.  She hated Christmas.  All it did was remind her of how alone she was.  With no family and no social life she found this time of year the most depressing.

 

Slowly she took of her coat and the rest of her clothes and got into the shower.  She found the steam from the hot water soothing, clearing her mind.  She stood there under the water for what felt like half an hour.

 

Wrapping herself in a towel she left the bathroom to find some clothes.  She looked at her bedside table and saw his face.  It had been a year but still her heart dropped every time she saw it, every time she remembered how her life was and what it could have been.  It was always them against the world but now that he was gone it was just her, and without him the world seemed a more formidable foe.  She sobbed, sat on her bed shivering in a towel and soon found herself asleep in a heap.

 

She woke up, shivering from the cold.  She found some pyjamas and put them on.  Then she went in search of the bottle of wine.  She downed each glass like they were shots, taking deep breaths in between each one. Stumbling into bed, she still dared not venture over to his side.  She fell asleep hoping that she would wake up in the new year.

 

A dull sound of banging dragged her out of her deep sleep.  Unsure of whether or not she was dreaming she remained still but the banging persisted hammering her temples.  She stumbled out of bed and into the table banging her foot.  She hopped towards the door, one hand rubbing her foot, the other her temple. 

 

“Where did I put my key?” she thought as she searched high and low trying to remember where it was, cursing herself for yet again failing to place it on its hook.  Finding it inside her coat pocket, she limped over to the door and opened it.

 

“Merry Christmas!”  She looked up.  He stood there with this cheesy grin, rosy cheeks and jolly stature.

 

“Gerald.  What are you doing here?”

 

“Well, I’m here to pick you up for Christmas dinner, silly.”  His smile waned as he saw the very unimpressed look on her face.

 

“Gerald, I told you that I was fine spending it alone,” she said walking away from the door.  He walked in.

 

“Well, I’m not fine with it.  I told you I need the company.”

 

“You have your wife and kids for company.  How much more company does one need.”

 

He laughed.  “About one more will do it.”

 

“Look Gerald I know you’re trying to be nice but I want to be alone,” she said holding her temples as she collapsed on the sofa.

 

“Noone wants to be alone,” he said sitting next to her. “Jen I am not taking no for an answer OK.  It’s either you come with me or I stay here with you.  Either way, you will not be spending it on your own.”

 

“Why won’t people get it!  I don’t need you or anyone else!” She shouted.

 

“No, you’re right.  You need him, but he’s dead.  You’re alive!  But you’re living like you died with him!”

 

She looked at him and began to sob. He looked at her feeling he had gone too far.  He held her in his arms.

 

“I’m going to make you some coffee while you go in the shower.  You have 20 minutes OK,” he said making his way into the kitchen.  She knew there was no sense arguing with him.  Once he had made up his mind there was no stopping him.  Unwillingly she got in the shower.

 

The drive to their house felt long.  As they pulled up she could see the children playing in the snow.  The little one smiled at her and she smiled back.  She couldn’t remain angry looking at that cute little face.

 

“Hi Aunty Jen,” said the little one as he was pelted with snow.

 

“Hey, little Jo,” she said ruffling his hair as she walked into the house.  Her throat constricted at the sight of all the Christmas paraphernalia sprawled across every bare wall, hanging from the ceiling, bits of tinsel littering the floor.  As she entered the living room and saw all their sad gloomy faces staring back at her, their smiles failing to hide the pity in their eyes, she swallowed back her tears. I can’t do this, she thought.

 

“Jenna, I’m so glad you came,” the greying lady said as she wrapped her arms around her, the smell of her perfume hitting the back of Jen’s throat.  Jen wanted to say she was too, or something to that effect but the words halted in her throat and all she could do was smile lightly.

 

One by one each family member greeted her whilst she remained silent only communicating with weak smiles and nods.  She sat down in the corner on an armchair, the cushion beneath her sinking with her weight.

 

The silence weighed heavy in the room with glances between the family members being the only language spoken, Jen’s eyes remaining firmly fixed on the ground, the point of her focus moistened with a few runaway tears.

 

“Jenna?” She looked up to see a familiar face.

 

“Mrs Brown.  How are you?”

 

“It’s Maureen, dear.  I’m fine,” she said pulling Jen to her feet.  “Why don’t you come in the kitchen and help me dish up.  Julie set the table please,” she said leaving the room.  Jen realising the question was rhetorical, followed her in the kitchen.

 

She stood by the stove awaiting instructions.

 

“Grab that plate will you dear,” she said pointing at the piled up crockery.  Grabbing one she stood there obediently, her plate held out.

 

“So how are you?”

 

Jen’s lipped quivered as Mrs Brown’s eyes locked with hers.

 

“As well as can be expected,” she said faintly.  “Some days are worse than others.”

 

“Today being one of the worst.”

 

“Yes, one of….”

 

Mrs Brown let out a long sigh.  “Well.  I am very happy you came.”

 

“I didn’t have much choice,” Jen said smiling.

 

“Yes, Gerry can be quite persuasive when he wants to be.”

 

Jen laughed. “Yes, like a dog with a bone.  Just like his brother,” she said her voice trailing off at the end of the sentence.  Mrs Brown looked at her but Jen’s eyes remained steadfast on the plate.  In silence she stood as Mrs Brown filled each plate, Jen obediently carrying each one out to the table.

 

“Dinner’s ready,” she shouted as the children ran to the table fighting over who would sit in a chair whose magnificence only they could see, as it was identical to all the others.  Jen sat next to Little Jo, the victor and everyone else found a seat.  Jen’s eyes wandered over to the head of the table where he would have once sat.  She felt a hand on hers and turned to see Gerald smile at her.  In spite of herself she smiled back, thankful that his stubbornness meant that she was not alone today.

 

Amidst the idle chit chat and the sound of silver against crockery she remained in her own world, momentarily glancing at the space that he once filled.  Once dinner was over and the table was cleared she remained sat at the table.  Gerald sat next to her.

 

“You didn’t say a word over dinner.”

“Not much to say,” Jen replied.

“Well we’re going to start exchanging presents in the living room.”

Jen drew the chair back from the table.  “Look, Gerry I appreciate what you have tried to do today but I think I’ve had enough OK.  I just wanna go home.”

Gerald grabbed her arm and drew her in close.

“I will drop you home myself but you have to open your presents first and I won’t take no for an answer.”

 

Relunctantly, she allowed him to lead her into the living room.  She caught a glance between him and Mrs Brown who then turned to her and smiled.

 

“Now, that we are all here let’s exchange gifts.”

 

The children hurriedly ripped the wrapping apart, with occasional yelps of joy before they ran out of the room to try out the toys they had just been bought.  The adults in the room were more reserved, smiling their thankyous and occasionally embracing to show their gratitude.  Jen returned the thankyous and hugs counting down the seconds to when she could leave and return to wallowing in her self pity.

 

“Jen this is for you.”

 

She took the package from Gerald and eyed it suspiciously.

 

“Gerald you already bought me these fantastic bath salts,” she said as she eyed the four other bath salts she got from various members of the family.  “This really is too much.”

 

“It’s not from me,” he said looking her straight in the eyes.  She needn’t ask any more questions.  She knew exactly who it was from.  She slowly unwrapped the present to find a case, inside of which was what looked like a DVD.  She looked up at Gerald who took it from her and placed in the DVD player.

 

There he was.  Staring at her, his cheeks dimpling as he smiled.  Tears streamed her face as she looked at him, Gerald taking hold of her shaking hand.

 

“Hey babe.  Merry Christmas.  I’m guessing if your watching this that I’m not here to celebrate it with you.  I have gone on to the other side, oooooh,”  he said making a ghostly noise and despite herself she laughed.  Such a goof she thought.

 

“I wanted you to know that I love you very much and I will always love you and I know I will always be in your heart.  Even though I may not be physically with you, I will always be with you babe, always, in your heart and in your memories. 

 

I love you and I know you.  I know that today you probably refused to spend Christmas with my family.  Gerry, well done if you got her there.”

 

The whole family laughed including Jen who smiled at Gerald.

 

“Babe, you don’t need to be alone.  I know, you’re used to being alone, I remember how you were when we met.  You never wanted to be reliant on anybody.  You were a hard nut to crack,” he said laughing.  “but I cracked you.  You relied on me and then I went and died on you.”

 

Jen whimpered at this, her tears accompanied by her sobs.

 

“But babe you are not alone.  My family is YOUR family. You will move on, you will meet someone else, you will be happy, but all these things will happen to you with my family around you.  You are not alone babe.

 

Promise me that you will spend Christmas with my family and adopt them as yours.  They love you almost as much as I do.  Now if Gerry managed to get you to the house you’ll be watching this with the family.  If so this is where you turn off because the next part is just for you,” he said with a wink.

 

They all laughed as Gerald hurriedly pressed stop on the remote.

 

“It’s true you know love,” said Mrs Brown. “You are part of our family now.”

 

Jen smiled.  ‘Thank you.  I, I’m sorry that I’ve been so self indulged. And Gerry, I’m sorry that I was such hard work today.”

 

“No worries,” he said smiling. “Are you ready to go home?”

 

Jen looked around at everyone.  “Perhaps I can stay a little longer.”

 

“Why not stay over,” said Mrs Brown.

 

“OK,” said Jen not resisting.

 

“Great, I’ll go and get Articulate,” said Gerald.

 

“Maybe I spoke to soon,” said Jen to Mrs Brown laughing as they embraced.