It's Only A Game...

"The cameras have all been switched off. So, come on, let's have a
private, off-the-record chat&;#8230; before I kill
you&;#8230;"

Anne and Chris sat across the white, plastic dining table in their
white, plastic chairs. "It's been a success, you know," Anne smiled her
crooked smile as she squinted along the sights of the Walther P38.
"That's what they tell me, anyway."

She plucked a tiny, black cloud of fluff from the lapel of her black
jacket. "They told me that the ratings went ballistic after the end of
that first week, when I caved Bruce's skull in with that antique
candlestick."

Chris stared at her, continued to sip his coffee. "You know you'll be
the most hated woman in Britain after this. They won't let you get away
with it."

Anne laughed mirthlessly, the smile never reaching her eyes. "I've got
away with it for nine weeks, haven't I ? Poisoning, asphyxiation,
stabbing, decapitation, electrocution, acid&;#8230;"

"Look&;#8230;"

Anne prodded the gun forward, her face one big scowl. "I've started, so
I'll finish&;#8230;" She sat back, seemed to relax. "As for being
the most hated woman in Britain&;#8230; Remember Charles Manson,
Jeffrey Dahmer, Hannibal Lecter ? They were stars ! Besides which, the
high-ups at Buccaneer TV have promised me immunity. Since "Last Man
Standing" began, subscriptions to satellite and cable TV have increased
tenfold. They've promised to make me rich&;#8230;"

"It won't last." Chris straightened his designer tie, that matched
seamlessly with the designer shirt. "Who wants to be a millionaire
anyway ?"

"I do !" Anne barked at him like a caricature of an SS stormtrooper and
jumped to her feet. "What's your problem ? You knew the
score&;#8230;"

"Only after the end of that first week. When we all nominated someone
to be eliminated and when the viewers' vote picked out Bruce, we
didn't&;#8230; we never thought&;#8230;"

"And then you were stuck in here. No way out, cut off from civilisation
with no one to help. All of you and a psychopath; everyone suspecting
everyone else. Must've made compulsive viewing as the bodycount rose
one by one&;#8230;" Anne danced about the room, waving the gun back
and forth. Chris stretched his hand out towards the kitchen
drawer.

Anne whirled on him. "Feel confident ?"

The gun was aimed squarely between his eyes.

"Can I phone a friend ?" Chris raised his hands skyward and Anne sat
back down slowly.

She stared at her watch. "Right now, the tech-heads will be going crazy
trying to get the house back on line. I bet the switchboards are jammed
with complaints. They may get through to us in about ten minutes, by
which time&;#8230;" She smiled again. "Look at it this way, we're
major headlines ! We've totally outstripped things like that bunch of
egocentric, jobbing actors in that house trying to win seventy grand,
or those people supposedly cast away on that Scottish island, and,
let's face it, both lots were improvising to a script. This is real.
This is what the public wants. It's all about life or death&;#8230;"
She chuckled that humourless chuckle again. "But it's mostly about
death."

"Anne, look, I'll do you a deal." Chris stood up. "It could still be a
big night if you play your cards right&;#8230;"

"Oh, believe me, I could let you go, but I don't want to do that !"
Anne prodded the gun at him again. Chris sat back down.

"Buccaneer TV surveyed one-hundred people. Ninety percent of them
already watched "Last Man Standing" and the other ten-percent wished
they could. It's quite amazing; no-one can track the signal and no-one
can shut it down, the technology's that good !"

"So, it comes down to this then:. you murdered Bruce with a
candlestick, Magnus was electrocuted here in the kitchen when he opened
the box; Bamber had his head cut off by that big gong in the diary
room&;#8230;"

"I was rather proud of that one&;#8230;"

"Richard was poisoned during the wine-tasting; Bob was dissolved by
that acidic gunge above the shower; Nick was suffocated with Carol's
cuddly toy mascot, which threw suspicion onto her, of
course&;#8230;"

"Of course&;#8230;" Anne sneered disgustedly at him. "Nobody liked
her; she was everywhere. As for your suspicion, it was good, but it
wasn't right&;#8230;"

"And then Carol was stabbed with an ornamental crossbow bolt whilst she
slept. Which just left&;#8230;"

"You and me&;#8230;"

"You and me&;#8230; And all you can do is shoot me ? Not very
imaginative, is it."
Anne waved the gun at him. Chris stood up, hands raised. "Where would
you like it ? Top, middle or bottom ? The choice is yours !"

Chris though for a moment. "Top, please&;#8230;"

Anne raised the gun at the back of his head. "Final answer ?"

"Excuse me, but can I just say something, before you let me have it
?"

"Yes ?"

"Well, you've been giving me all this spiel instead of just shooting
me&;#8230;"

"Your point being ?"

"You think you're some kind of Bond villain, but you're nothing more
than an amateur&;#8230; and a bad amateur at that&;#8230;"

"You don't even deserve to see the bullet coming ! Come on, give us a
twirl&;#8230;"

Chris turned around, still talking. "You've gone on and on about how
clever-clever you've been, but the thing is, do you remember that
ratatouille I cooked for you, Carol and me earlier ?"

"Yes ?"

"Well, at that point, I didn't know which of you was the killer so, I
put some of your poison in both of your portions. She was already
halfway dead when you stabbed her." He checked his watch. "And the
poison should be kicking in&;#8230;" He heard a thud from behind
him.

Anne lay on the floor, eyes wide, mouth gasping as she clawed at her
throat.

Chris leaned forward, listening to the woman's croak. "I guess I was
the weakest link. Goodb&;#8230;" And then she died. Unseen by tens
of millions.

Chris prised the gun out of her fingers, stood up and sighed. "Good
game, good game&;#8230;"

* * *

Five minutes later, all across Britain, all across Europe and all over
the world-wide web, the cameras returned to flickering life, displaying
only the corpse in the kitchen against which stood a hand-scrawled sign
that read, "Didn't she do well !"

And, as for Buccaneer TV and their show "Last Man Standing" ? Well,
dear viewer, the auditions for the next series begin in March and
they're already twelve times oversubscribed.

Still, come along anyway. It'll be nice to see you, to see
you&;#8230; Nice&;#8230;