Don't do DIY

D.D.I.Y??????. Don't Do It Yourself
(Michael Bellerby)

Is everybody clever at D.I.Y?
Because I'm not I'd rather die
I know your home is your castle
But for me it's so much hassle
Occasionally though I'll have a go
And fill my life with so much woe
But with drill in hand and old 'workmate'
I'll try and mend this creaking gate
But two minutes in and I've had enough
I should have known it'd be this tough
Why don't I learn to leave well alone?
And get a tradesman on the phone
I just know they'll charge a hefty fee
But I'd pay every penny to get me free
My wife keeps thinking I'm having fun
And congratulates me on jobs well done
I haven't the nerve to tell her D.I.Y's a pain
As I have no coordination between eye and brain
She'll keep buying me things like hammers and drills
Which only add to my woes and compound my ills
And if the truth be known she'd do a much better job
Repairing or replacing the broken gas fire knob
I really am house-proud and it's not like I don't care
It's just when I see a screwdriver I'll have a nightmare
But being the man of the house I suppose I should try
Even when my brain's shouting at me? avoid D.I.Y
So she'll come over all lovey and say 'darling give it a go'
And my answer from now on will be a big and fat?NO