8

A few months after the abuse I met a wonderful 19 year old man named Simon. We had very little in common and I didn't find him attractive. But he had a heart of gold and that made me overlook these things. We dated for a few months and I decided that I wanted to lose my virginity to him. I wanted my first time to be with someone who loved me and genuinely cared about me. Simon was so gentle with me and so loving. It felt right, it wasn't as painful as I thought I would be. There was a sharp pain and it felt like an elastic band pinging inside of me as my hymen broke. Afterwards we lay and cuddled. When I went to the toilet I had very light bleeding and the reality of what we had done kicked in. I felt all sorts of emotions but not regret. Some people... Well... A lot of people, regret their first time and wish they had waited for the one! I have never regretted my first time. If I waited for the perfect person then I would have waited forever. People have such grand ideas about how and when to lose your virginity, but the truth is that it's just a natural, animalistic thing.

A couple of months after I popped my cherry, I became close with Richard, (a friend of mine). Simon seemed so dull and the reality that we had nothing in common kicked in. Simon became ugly in my eyes because we'd outgrown eachother. I didn't love him. I thought I would in time but the relationship wasn't going anywhere. Richard and I got closer and closer. I started to have feelings for him and I began to feel resentment towards my relationship with Simon. One dark night I walked my dog to the park and let him off the lead so he could run into the woods to do his business. Richard offered to walk with me because the lights near the park weren't working and he didn't think it was safe for me to walk there alone. I thought it was incredibly sweet and as we walked we talked and laughed. As soon as we got through the gate and into the park, the heavens opened and rain hammered down upon us. We ran to a wire fence lined by huge fir trees and huddled underneath to avoid getting soaked. We were laughing and out of breath and my hair was stuck to my face. Richard moved himself to stand in front of me. He just stood there looking deep into my eyes in a way I had never experienced before. There was lust, questions, love, affection, admiration, fear, everything, in just one look! I held his gaze and we just stood there looking at eachother. I suddenly became embarrassed because I was still with Simon and it was inappropriate to be in this position with another man. Blushing, I dropped my gaze to the floor. Suddenly I felt Richard's hand on my face, wiping my straggled, wet hair to one side. He gently tilted me head up and so I was looking at him once more. I couldn't feel the cold or the rain, all I could feel was fireworks and a prickling feeling creeping up all through my body. It was incredible and yet so wrong. He moved in closer and I knew he wanted me to move towards him, he wanted to kiss me and I wanted to kiss him too. I didn't move forward, a rush of guilt caused me to lean back against the fence. Richard took my hands and pulled me towards him. He saw the look in my eyes and let my hands go and stepped backwards. The rain hammered down on him but he didn't seem to notice. He looked devestated as he said "I'm sorry, it's wrong of me!" He took his coat off and handed it to me to wear and I refused but he insisted that I wear it. As we walked home he got soaked through to the skin and I was quite dry under his coat. I felt bad about everything and I invited him in but he shook his head, put his coat on and vanished into the pouring rain.

After that night all I could think of was Richard and every time I was with Simon I felt like I was cheating on him. I was torn between staying with a man who was boring but would love and cherish me forever, or trying out a new and exciting relationship. It was a difficult decision to make. If I decided to stay with Simon then I knew I could not be friends with Richatd. But Richard was fun and interesting and we got on so well that I didn't want to lose him completely. I locked myself in my bedroom for a few days and refused to see anyone. In my mind I thought about the right thing to do but I couldn't make my mind up. My birthday was coming up soon and my mum had organised a charity event which sort of doubled up as a chance for people to sing happy birthday to me whilst I blew candles out on a cake. Simon and Richard were there and Simon made a lovely speech about how he was lucky to have me and everything. I felt truly awful because even though I was with him physically, my mind was with Richard. When Simon mentioned that he might propose to me on my next birthday I felt sick to the stomach. I realised then that there was no future between us and I was living a lie. I should have been overjoyed and yet I wanted to run away! Richard was ignoring me all night, but nobody except for me seemed to notice. At the end of the night my mum asked Simon to stay behind to help her pack the things away and sort the charity money out. She didn't want me to hang about because it was late and she wanted me to go home. She was going to phone for a taxi but then she remembered that Richard was driving and he hadn't been drinking, so he could give me a lift. Richard agreed but didn't look too pleased about it. He was really quiet as we drove home. He stared at the road ahead and I tried to talk to him but he ignored me. Half way to my house I was beginning to get annoyed so I said "alright misery guts, what's your problem?" Richard slammed the brakes on his car, doind an emergency stop in the middle of the road. He got out the car and slammed the door hard behind him. I got out the car and looked over the top. No sooner had my head popped up than Richard's fist punched down hard on the roof of the car. He loved his car and had built it from scratch. He would never hit it, so I knew there was something terribly wrong. Richard stormed off down the street and paced backwards and forwards. Then he drew near to the driver side and stook there breathing deeply and looking like a wounded puppy. I got out the car again and gently asked him what was wrong and he shouted as loud as he could, "I love you!" Then he slumped down onto the floor and started to cry. I ran around to the other side of the car and put my arm around him. "Do you have any idea how it feels to watch you on his arm and see him kissing you and touching you? It kills me!" I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. We got back into the car and he drove me home and left immediately. I didn't see him for a month or so but I distanced myself from Simon. After Christms Richard came over to see me and the spark was still there so I decided to split up with Simon and go out with Richard instead.

Breaking up with Simon was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. After the break up I locked myself in my bedroom and cried for a couple of weeks. Simon heard that me and Richard were getting together and he hated me. He accused me of cheating on him and I couldn't tell him otherwise because I had cheated on him in my heart. After a month or two Richard and I finally got together and sparks were flying every time we got together. He introduced me to so many new experiences and we had a fab time. We went to events and built cars together and Richard adored me. Our sex life was incredible because I was making love to someone I fancied. Life was good for a while...