Dole

oh fuck!!

it's fucking 11:30. what is my signing on time? 11:30...AM!!! sick fuckers
am i in the queue to sign on? no i'm on the sofa with a hangover. it is preferable, except of course being dolescum i got no money, half a bag of rice and i owe the dealer tenner, and my tobacco is just dust. so if they don't give me my dole, the two days oout of 14 when i can spend all my money on wine and shite is going to be another few days of scrounging.

so anyway i decide to take my chances and go to sign on, i'll just mumble some excuse...... how come everyone else seems to sign on in the afternoon?? so i go and have a quick shower, the only time i'm really happy. then i put on my scummy used to be fly 2 year old trousers and look for my dole book

12:06 i leave the house, put my walkman on and head down to the dole office. how come they just built a massive dole office when unemployment is at a record low. how come i have to be poor just cos i don't have orange skin and i'm cynical? how come all these political revelations always occur to me just after i've fucked something up, or they try to make me get a job, and not when i'm at home with my pen and pad?

walking through town, lots of shops selling overpriced shit, i can't even afford a bottle of water, and theyre trying to get me to put a deposit down on a playstation 3. it always occurs to me to get a job or start dealing on friday at about 4pm but they make me sign on on wednesday morning so i just get fucked up on the weekend, and then next week i'm way too fuzzy and depressed to go looking for a job. cos i gotta save my crumbs of hash till next weekend so i ain't gonna cause myself more stress.....conspiracy

anyway i get to the dole office and talk to the sercurity dude, i explain that i was meant to sign on this morning but i had a 'urgent family issue'....bet noones thought of that before.

now this is where pure chance comes into my life, if it's that nice fat girl, she'll probably just smile and pretend to believe me, she's got the right attitude, obviously as lazy as me, she can't be arsed to write out a report and order me to fill another form. but if it's that dude, he might take action. he's the fucker who's always trying to make me ring up jobs and fill out my jobsearch form properly. i ain't 18, im 25, i know the crack. if i really wnated one of the jobs they offer, i'd go to adecco not the jobcentre. i'm just here for the free money

of course they make me wait 25 minutes, and then of course it's old cuntyballs in a bad mood...."so what was this 'urgent family business'?"....."oh my brother was having a bit of trouble".....i wonder if he's enjoying this, can't understand his motivation. if he really wanted to put the world to rights he wouldn't be working in the jobcentre. if workshy people really pissed him off so much, he's gotta be more of a dick than me for working here. so i just go along with it, let him bully me with his little speel about enquiiries adn shit....

he can obviously tell it's not sinking in, cos he pulls out one of those dreaded mystery forms and writing on it. this isn't just going onto the computer, someone above him is actually gonna read this. my heart starts sinking, i probably aint gonna get wrecked this weekend, and i'll have to deal with a call centre next week. "you'll have to go to room 4D" he tells me....hahaha gotta love their sick sense of humour, your punishment is walking up some stairs to get a bollocking, they just know how to piss us doleys off. so i smile and say sorry and take my chit up to the dude guarding the stairs....he gives me a look and off i go....

floor 2 fuckers, big stairs....they built a new jobcentre just to use stairs as a punishment....

floor 4 is the best floor in the jobcentre by a mile, they send me to this room D, and it's got one of those porthole windows, so i go in, and theres a few people sitting there, a couple of chavas sitting in the corner talking about some shite like motorbikes...how come chavas just know other chavas everywhere they go?? theres this dirty looking single mum type who's obviously just as hungover as me, sitting in her jacket freezing and bored, its wierd how these places can make you bored in about 10 seconds. nothing should be boring in 10 seconds, i reckon it's serious science going on there, if you were locked in a shed, you'd find something cool, and you wouldnt get pissed off being in there for at least 30 minutes. but jobcentre is like prison lite. theres some old dude who looks like a warning to the rest of us, quite well dressed and obviously managed to get away with it back in the 70s, but thanks to our wonderful new order he's just wahed up, and old to boot

after a while this foriegn dude cmoes in, he looks like one of those people from east europe or somewhere who actually came to the jobcentre hoping they could get a job. make us english feel bad s we're all sitting in this room. it's wierd cos the armchairs are actually comfortable. i start getting bored so playing with my student layabout part of my brain, thinking how all us lot in this room are like the daily mail nightmare.some other shuffling dude like me came in with his scummy 2 year old ripped jeans. i gave him a smile cos i know that he's in the same situ as me. we need the money that they give us, but we could actually get jobs if we just made a little effort. but thats way too much effort.

fucks sake man, i been here for an hour...none of us have got watches, but it's gotten stupid, theres waiting, and theres waiting. everyone in the room is thinking the same, we all know the breadline, and noone has been called, the room has filled up and noones got there appointment. then the european dude gets up and goes to fuck off. he proper wants to storm out the door but he can open it. ts a bit worrying. i decide to do likewise, but it's true, the door wont open, what the fuck, so we both struggle with this fucking door, but it just wont open. then this sort of panic spreads throught the room, the the two chavas come over and theres four dudes pulling on this door but it wont open

then we all start taking turns at charging at the door. nothing happens, im sure i can smell something funny. this is fucked, WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!

the whole room is trying to get out of this fucked up place, the single mum starts yelling, then the two chavas pick up the table and throw it at the window and i'm thinkng 'i'll never get my dole now' but the table just bounces off the window. and i smell that smell really strongly, it's some sort of gas. fucking hell, whats going on. i can't believe this, i just came to get my dole...we're all panicking and trying to find any way out, but we're totally sealed in...i'm feeling sleepy....could just lie down...........kind of gets yu stoned

the bbc newspreporter looked up and smiled, she shuffled her papers in a reassuring way at the end of the show

"and today the prime minisster reported that unemployment figures fell by another 10'000, marking another record low......