Chance to change

The Chance to Change

The green forest, a huge green forest, it's our home for the next
month. We've got our tents, a few gas burner things, I've left that
with Brandon, he knows about survival stuff, he was in the army after
all. We've got supplies of rice and other boring things, and a few
chocolates, just to remember civilisation, well the good bits
anyway.
We all hate our lives and that's why we are here. Brandon left the
army, Ez quit her great book factory job and I quit my prestigious job
at McDonald's. I can't believe I had four gold stars, it's like each
star took a quarter of my soul, and it swallowed me whole. It was like
I didn't exist anymore, none of us did. We all ended up in the place we
didn't want to be, and we were stuck there forever.
Everyone goes there, gets stuck in time, but most visit then sort
themselves out. We tried but simply couldn't, so that's why we are
here. We wanted to try something different so we killed ourselves, well
the life we had and we would never return. We needed clarity in a life
that does not permit such luxuries.
We tried to gain clarity and perspective working inside life, a
holiday, parties, shopping. It didn't help, something deeper, darker
than we can understand, something we don't want to acknowledge stirred
us. It moves inside, hunts you in dreams, changes your mind when you
had concluded a thought, it makes you think. It makes you think too
much.
So we came out here, back to nature, away form T.V, society and
everything that oppressed us. We want to experience ourselves, find the
human that we lost find me, the real Courtney. One month, a chance to
change. It's only been two days but something is healing, and I am
going to fully heal even if it kills me.
The stars shone like candles, the canopy was a dark Constable oil
painting and camp was a testament to human nature, a dump. Ez, Courtney
and Brandon sat around a violent campfire, fuelled by a few logs for
stability, but its main energy came for paper. I t was no ordinary
paper, it was photographs, bills, letters, statements, application
forms, rejection letters, and now was the best part, their passports
and birth certificates. Ez was first.
"Goodbye Ezmeralder this is your cremation, hello Ez," she turned to
the others. "Okay, how silly is this? It's going to cost me money and
so much hassle when we get back."
"Ez," said Courtney, "it's up to you, but do you want to be Ezmeralder
the underachieving, fat, sorry large of stature, puppy fat, whatever it
is that you call it," she paused. "Ezmeralder the underachieving,
whatever, crushed, numb, depressed blonde. Or Ez the achieving,
confident, slim, happy, brunette."
"The second one," she whispered.
"I'm here cause I know there is more to me than the life I had, we all
know there is. I'm here to heal, this is the way I am gonna do
it."
"Yeah," said Brandon. "I'm like cleaning my skin of the smell of the
life I had so I can start a new one, you know?"
"Ez," said Courtney. "Ez I thought we all agreed a complete break was
the only way to save ourselves, so when we go back we can be someone,
or at the least be someone new."
"Fine, but Cour," Ez leant over and hugged Courtney. "You know, I just
wanted to make sure, because I am having fun but burring my birth
certificate, its over some sort of line just for a symbolic
gesture."
"Its up to you, but if you do it you will become whoever you want to
be and never have to look at the past again. We all got lost in and I'm
gonna find myself."
"Okay," said Ez, she threw her documents into the hungry flames.
Despite her apprehension she felt better. The stress of being
Ezmeralder Segar, having your identity on a piece of paper which tells
you who you are forever was relived, she felt calm and that she could
now decide what she wanted to be. Her identity was her own
again."
"My turn," Courtney rose like a blooming flower, she stretched her
arms out and embraced the heat. "Goodbye to twenty years of emptiness,
loneliness, oppression and numbness, hello living. Yeah come on," she
screamed.
She danced around the fire shouting like she was performing some
sacrificial Pagen ritual, but she was sacrificing herself. She enjoyed
making noise, most days she wished she could walk through a busy street
and scream, just scream as loud as possible. Life however does not
allow her to fulfil these simple wishes there are rules. She knew most
of them and they were good sensible rules, however, some had to be
broken. Out here that's exactly what she wanted to do.
Brandon was intoxicated with the show, her hair flickered like fire,
white and yellow, shadows washed her gaunt face, and her skeleton arms
flailed around so fast it appeared she had several. He knew this
display would go on for some time so he did not wait his turn. Casually
he tossed everything into the flames.
"Goodbye and hello," he whispered.
WE burnt everything last night, everything. Ez was reluctant but I
knew she wanted to do it. Brandon, as cool as ever, threw it away with
barely a thought entering that chiselled Brad Pitt face. It was a
success. We all feel better, I mean relieved. We all have a chance to
start again without turning to drink, drugs or any of life's other
little miracles. My spirit was released from its invisible prison and
for the first time it could breath me in.
Courtney was first up; she had the pleasant task of preparing
breakfast. The only edible food was rice, plain white rice. She walked
to the river; a five-minute walk made difficult by thick bushes that
scratched and stung as she invaded their territory. With the makers
Brandon laid out and the constant trips to the river a small path began
to form, but still she was attacked by nature.
She sang to herself by the river filling the big water bottle, with
her sparkling blue eyes and wearing her long white nightdress she
looked like a beautiful maid from a fairytale, and she felt like she
was in a fairytale looking at her reflection in the water. Happily she
prepared the breakfast, whistling and singing, she even swung on a few
braches making noise.
Ez and Brandon could not sleep with Courtney's constant noise making
activities. Ez and Brandon sat in silence; they glanced at each other,
but only saw a stranger. They searched for something to say, but there
was nothing, not one word to be said between two good friends. Courtney
broke the cold atmosphere.
"What's wrong with you two?" she asked.
"I'm tire4d and hungry and I want to go home," said Ez with her baby
frown.
"Brandon?" said Courtney.
"Don't know, I don't want to go home, I think, and I don't want to be
here," he sighed.
"Well," said Courtney, "I can't stop you from going, but why do you
want to go back to that? It's only been a week, three more and I
guarantee you'll be better," she whistled as she walked back to the
river to clean the plates and source pans.
She sat in silence at the river watching her reflection catch a ripple
and glide away then patiently watched as another one formed. The sun
waned and night washed the forest of sunlight's mixed blessing.
Courtney started to get cold, and then she shivered like she had
forgotten what warmth was. She decided to go back when her body
shivered and yawned permanently.
As she approached the camp she automatically started to hum a song.
She entered the communal tent to discover Ez was not there; Courtney
went outside and checked the other two tents. Confused by Ez's absence
Courtney stood by the dead fire with her hands on her hips.
Then she heard a noise, a twig breaking. She looked out into the black
trees but only saw trees and wall of utter darkness. Another sound, to
Courtney's surprise she was scared, it must be Ez coming back but
Courtney was afraid. She didn't understand her fear but the noise
approached so she crawled into the communal tent and pulled her
sleeping bag over her body then slowly over her face.
Images forced their way into her mind, she saw Brandon dead, laying
face down in the undergrowth. She watched as Ez was strangled, with no
one there to save her. As the zipper opened the tent new images took
control. She shook with fear as she saw herself in a mirror as an old
lady, alone, sitting in complete silence. The zipper stopped. Nothing
happened. For an hour she sat concentrating on keeping her breathing
light.
Ez is gone, I can't believe left like that. She left a note on the
front of the tent it only said 'Goodbye.' I knew she was struggling to
find who she was; maybe she found a truth or two and decided that was
enough. If so why didn't she talk to me about it? We've been best
friends for eight years, she can tell me anything and I can tell her
anything. Maybe this was too intense for her; she is such a delicate
little thing. With her gone this experience has become less enjoyable,
I've barely been able to think of anything to say to Brandon so I've
turned into myself. With the fear of Ez leaving and hearing noises I
have found something really scary to deal with, me.
Brandon cooked the breakfast; the smell of no smell from the rice
depressed him so he sniffed flowers and the floor, just to see if all
his senses were still working. As he sniffed the bushes he thought
about food even more and was eager to wake Courtney. Of course this
would have been a poor life decision so he waited patiently for over an
hour. When she rose from her pit of sleep Brandon could no longer hold
his enthusiasm.
"Good morning!" he said over animated.
"Hi," she groaned.
"No singing today?" he tilted his head to the left.
"Nope, don't feel like now she's left. I cant' stop worrying about
her, I hope she was like killed or something dark forest late at night.
I hope she's alright."
"I'm sure she is fine, you know strong will and everything, and I
don't think there are any murders about."
"You don't know her at all, she hasn't got a strong will, she's so
fragile, I can't believe she left, that took some will power she must
have found what she wanted," Courtney sighed and lay on the ground
looking at the sky.
"Rice will run out in two days," said Brandon smiling.
"What!" Courtney kicked the air in frustration but then saw Brandon
smiling. "What is so funny about running out of food? You're not
thinking of going home?"
"I want you to see something, but you have to be quiet."
"What," she sighed.
Brandon sprang to his feet like a puppet on a string. He crept off
into the trees, adopted his James Bond stealthy stalk mode, the trees
were agents of a new megalomaniac. Brandon rushed past some as though
they were alerted to his presence others he took his time and killed
them as he went. Now he could see the boss's office, he stopped and
knelt down on one knee, and looked into the office with deadly intent.
Courtney giggled as he beckoned her nearer, she carefully watched where
each footstep fell, but then glimpsed the objective though the
obstructions. A large clearing, several Deer and Fawn grazed on the
lush grass. She stumbled through a bush and nearly fell, it alerted the
deer and they fled.
She was outraged and protested. Brandon did not heed her on her
confusing arguments. He walked off again and Courtney followed her
arguments had turned to sacred life and murdering beautiful things.
Brandon laughed and led her to an area free of undergrowth, some grass
but mainly dirt lay under the trees. Near one of the trees was a small
wooden cage, bound with bright white string. Inside a rabbit confused
and frightened of the tall noisy ugly creatures approaching. Brandon
stood over the cage gloating.
"We are gonna have a great dinner tonight," he put his hands on his
hip enjoying this moment of man conquering something smaller than he is
by technology the other creature does not have.
"What the hell are you doing?" she said at great length over
pronouncing every syllable.
"I made a live trap, and now I have caught a dinner that smells. This
is actually going to smell."
"Are you going to kill that poor thing?"
"Poor thing, that's a killer, seriously it would think twice about
tearing your head off."
"How are you gonna kill something that's so deadly then?"
"With this," he pulled a long knife out of his pocket and unsheathed
it.
"No," she turned away. "I don't want to see it until I eat it," she
said.
"Here I go."
"Wait," Courtney turned round and walked to the cage, she knelt down
and moved her head against the wooden bars. "Okay, kill it."
Brandon clumsily thrust at it; the rabbit's agility was hurting it
more as it hit its head against the bars. Injured and unable to
manoeuvre Brandon went for the kill. One quick clean strike into the
creature's head, the crake of the knife penetrating the skull echoed in
their hearts. Man was again triumphant. Dinner was good and the
laughter returned. Brandon crawled into bed early and Courtney sat
playing with the fire merrily singing to herself.
She shivered suddenly. She gazed into the emptiness, fear found her
again. The noises had returned. A footstep, then another. Now silence.
A breath, then another. It moved around form one side of the void to
the other, like a ghost. Silence. The hairs on the back of her neck
pricked up as a warm breath gently caressed her skin. She felt naked,
and weak. The images of Ez and Brandon dead returned, she could see
them being strangled by a cloaked figure, it looked like the Reaper
without his sickle. She held her breath, and now a whisper, from her
left.
"Courtney," then form the right. "Courtney," now a pause from the
assault. A voice again, now from behind her. "Courtney, are you okay?
It's late come to bed," this was not threatening, but familiar, she
turned round to see Brandon poking his head out of the tent.
"Yeah, yeah sure," she said slowly moving to the tent.
The thing with darkness is that it attacks you more than any real
person ever could because it knows your every weakness. The reason it
knows your weaknesses is because the darkness is you. I thought this
experience would help me find myself, who I really was underneath all
these layers; I thought it would cleanse them. It has. All that's left
now is my core, more humanity, unfortunately this is what I need to
purify, but I can't. All that is left is fear, that's my core. Fear of
failure, fear of loneliness, fear of losing someone, fear of finding
out whom each of us really is.
Fear doesn't need company and out here there is nothing to distract me
fro its hunt, I am easy pray. Fear is what has driven me all my life. I
was afraid that I wasn't talented enough, capable of learning so I
failed education. I was afraid of loneliness so I slept around. I was
afraid the effort it takes to succeed so I got a stupid job where I
could never succeed. It is the original building block of my entire
personality. At least I can go home now, I think I know how to be
someone. I think I can fight fear and change because I never want to
see the parts of the human condition that should just be left alone.
Never again.
Courtney tried several times to get out of her sleeping bag but it was
too warm and comfortable. She only rose when she turned over to talk to
Brandon. He was not there, and on his sleeping bag was a small note,
exactly the same as Ez had left. It said 'Goodbye.' She was convinced
that there was someone else in the forest with her, and they had taken
Ez and Brandon.
Calmly she dressed herself and packed a few light things and her
diary, but with each second her heart pumped harder until she could
hear its muffled hammering sound. She could hear every frightened blood
cell running to her muscles under adrenalins orders. Her skin tingled
and the blood made its delivery with force. She started to shake. She
looked at her hands and arms; bright red blotches had encased her in a
prison of her natural functions gone to the extreme. She took several
distorted breaths before she finally left the tent.
For an hour she negotiated the difficult terrain, and carried with her
a baseball bat sized log. Her breathing was still erratic and she felt
like she was sweating blood. Her heart ached form the intensive
workout, and she held her hand close to her heart. Her fear had
separated itself from her body and walked beside her, talking to her,
telling her she was going to die, and that this was not the way out of
the forest. She resisted assuring herself that this was the right way
and that she would live. Instead she blocked its noise, and the noise
of ever other inner voice, which had all emerged to give her
advice.
Her demons stalked her ruthlessly. The voices were so loud her ears
hurt. She could not block them out any longer so now she thought of her
old life, the things that pleased her, ice cream, T.V, music, friends,
some boyfriends, her family. This began to work but when she had
nothing good to think of the voices returned, however she was close to
the end of the forest. She recognised the terrain, and even a small
dirt footpath. Then she heard another voice, this was not from
herself.
"Courtney," whispered a brusque voice. "Courtney, Courtney," it sang
sinisterly. All the other voices stopped, this was real. "You are all
alone good looking girl like you should never be alone. Don't you know
what type of strange people are out there, or in here," it said a great
length, relishing every word and the sound of its own voice. "You like
singing, I've heard, can you sing for me?" she listened carefully to
ascertain its location but it sound like it was coming from all around
her. "I think I know why you like singing do you want me to tell you
why?" she was silent. "I'll tell you, it stops you from listening to
yourself. Then you would be scared," a diamond tear formed in her eye.
"Are you scared? I would be. Where did your friends go? Did they leave
you all alone? Did they say goodbye in silence or did they leave a
note?
Courtney could not fight anymore so she ran. She screamed. She wept.
The voice still followed, now it was shouting at her. The eve of the
forest was upon her and she ran down a concrete road. The village
abruptly formed in front of her. She ran down its cobbled street
screaming for help. At the end of the street was the pub they had drank
in before embarking on the adventure. She broke the glass in the door
as she smashed into it and fell onto the pub floor still shouting for
help.
A week passed and Courtney sat at home with her Mum. She had not
looked at her diary since the last night in the forest and her Mum
looked at her baby girl anew after reading the last page. Courtney was
reading the paper when five pages in she noticed a small headline, 'Two
strangled in forest.' She read the first few lines.
'Two young friends were brutally murdered in the forest of 'Sleepy
Hill' near the small village of 'Foxton.' The victims, Brandon Green
and Esmeralder Segar, both 22, were strangled to death last week.'