%$@#%$#%*!!

At the end of the day I scrubbed down the press, shined the tools
and drained the fountain. I proceeded to scrub my hands with pummis
hand cleaners, soap and hand cream. I dressed in white to prepare for
the funeral ritual OES was to hold for a member's father. Arriving at
lodge I find that we were not performing a ritual. I decided to go
home. I had no proper change of clothes. Happy Valentine's Day. I'm
sure yours was better.

I remember being asked why I didn't go talk to you after that horrible
day. I remember responding... I don't know. Maybe because I was ALREADY
dealing with something difficult. It happened around that time. I made
a habit of keeping to myself around there as anything I said to anyone
was broadcast nationally by the afternoon. I told your informant that
you had nothing to do with it. She said, "well he thinks he did." Get a
better informant. I will not discuss private bodily matters. Before you
guys piss me off on a cold and rainy night make sure I don't have to
drive anywhere.

I'll return to why I gave that reason only. I didn't want to hurt your
feelings that I was scared stiff to approach you. I saw you as a powder
keg. I couldn't figure out what was going on in your head. I may be
intuitive but I'm not a mind reader. Your eyes and mannerisms would
said one thing, your behavior said another. You kept yourself distant
and me excluded. I'd emerge from my pit office to find everyone gone. A
straggler would tell me that you invited everyone out for a drink. The
straggler got me to go along.

I have more... the family's home.

I digress.

Another reason is my inherited mental state. Emotionally I was swinging
from the trees. I taught myself to front a good poker face and keep my
emotional state inside. Diagnosed correctly only 5 years ago after post
p. depression had me on the skids again, I finally got competent mental
care.

Maybe another reason is the fact that it was just too horible a
realization for me to accept. It was literally less painful to swallow
a hot coal.

I'm out of juice. Bugger off.