___ _____ Was
By its a secret
Sun, 23 Aug 2015
I went to a choir camp once, and this guy ___ _____ was the director. He used to be in this really famous men’s choir but now he’s their educational director and runs all the camps and stuff. The camp was only like a week long but it was super intense and I kind of developed a weird fascination with him during that time… I thought about him a lot. I wouldn’t really call it a crush because I was so in awe of him. He wasn’t my equal. Crushes are for peers. ___ _____ was better than me, and higher than me, and I was scared shitless of him. He wasn’t scary at all though.
___ _____ was the kind of person you meet and you know they are perfect. Not perfect in the sense that they are The One, or Mr. Right, or Everything You Ever Dreamed Of; he was perfect in the way that you knew how he lived his life just by looking at him, and that it was perfect. The way he lived it, it was perfect.
I didn't know him at all! Who was this guy, not too tall, thin but wiry and cheerful and really nerdy, with glasses that looked like mine and an almost comically deep voice and made me feel like the only thing true was him? He was just some guy. He wore bowties and he looked good in v-necks. His hair was on the verge of being thin, but it still looked good. He had muscles, nice biceps that were so understated and humble they wouldn't be seen unless you were looking... I was looking. He had a nice smile. There was something in his little smile that never left his face that assured me that nothing was wrong with him. If he liked something, it was right. If he didn't like something, well, why wouldn't he? It was clearly bad.
Maybe he wasn’t so much better than me. I thought so, until I heard him sing. Every time he sang, I knew.
The world is a confusing place! Nothing makes sense, especially when it comes to being right or wrong about things. But he was right. Ideas behind morality, shades of grey, reason behind choice, it all went out the window in the instance you saw his little smile: he was just, right. Better. When I saw that smile something in me jumped! He was happy! And something in me fell. The smile was not for me.
Everytime I was near him I was fucking terrified. At the end of camp, I went up to him (with a friend, I was so scared) and I told him thank you, hoping that freely given smile might light upon me. It did. I leapt. I sank. It was not enough. It was too curt, too short, too something. He knew my name, but he didn't know me. Would anything have been enough? I went to go talk to ___ ____, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt....
When we meet people like ___ _____, we always want to impress them. We know that, if we stand out, if they notice us, people like ___ _____ will see the True Me, deeper and more true than anyone has ever seen us. If, just maybe, that little smile lit upon me.... That would be everything. For if something so true and so right, truly loved you, purely enjoyed just you, for even one second, one millisecond... Wouldn't that mean that a little part of you might just be right too?