A storm of love

I longed to reach you, to hold you, to draw you away. Knowing in my
heart what you were about to do. To be given just one second, to take
away that burden of torture that I knew you felt.

&;#65279;Heedlessly I tried to call to you but all you did was turn
your back and face the angry sea. Your whole body taunt and stretched,
your face tormented as you yelled against the torrents of rain, the
stinging sea spray and the cold wind. Those deadened words carried into
the
deafening roar of the storm and the biting spray of great rolling
breakers which thundered the shoreline. Never had I seen the anger of
the sea so close as it rose higher then ever, my skin and clothes
saturated. The coldness not yet penetrating into my thoughts as I
battled with my own fears and my desire to save you.

I could see the tension in your distraught body, the huge sighs as you
fell to your knees on the wet shingle.

Reaching to you I could feel the greater tug of pain in my own heart
that I knew was nothing to the grief that I know you felt. I and the
elements, the only witness to the torments of your anguish, all the
time my awareness of the rushing inward tide and the danger we were
in.

The fire of life burnt into my fingers as I tried to draw you away, the
weight of my own clothes, clawing my physical effort, the loss of hope
pressing itself against my will.

The nights' sky exploded with lightening and mocking thunder played
between the heavy rolling bombardment and sucking pulling weight of the
sea. No-one could hear or see, as the cold sea was so ..... so close
now....... far to close knowingly, hypnotically pulling you towards its
awaiting arms of cold comfort. My hands burning I tried once more to
place myself between you and the rages of that boiling cold torrent,
that which I knew you would enter and be swallowed in, and I knelt
before you, feeling the sea spit and sting as it seemed to rage with
anger against my will. I said nothing, just held your eyes, your head
in my hands, your lips reaching mine with hunger I'd never known ....
for one slight instance I thought I'd won but...............

I suddenly woke as I reached out to fight the sudden warmth of being
suffocated within a cocoon of blankets, my skin damp with sweat. The
nightmare closed away by brilliant sunlight that blinked through the
half opened curtain. Steadying myself, focussing upon my
surroundings, the familiarity of the rooms' primrose painted walls and
light blue stencils, warmed by an early spring day, I slowly loosened
the knot of blankets.

The smell of coffee permutated from the kitchen somewhere down below,
where I knew you would be. The coolness of the wooden floor boards as I
placed my feet upon their smooth surface brought reality further into
my relieved mind. Normality breathed into the numbness of my sleep
drugged weakened body.

The curtains billowing as a toss of warm breeze gently broke the calm.
The sounds of the morning edged their way into the abyss of dream and
nightmare, the world was well awake, the murmuring sounds of the radio
played it's way into this place of pleasant safety.

The door gently opened as Ferdinand, the hound nosed his way in looking
unsure whether he'd be welcomed or not. Leaning towards him, proffering
my hand he seemed to smile and placed his tossing head into my lap his
huge brown eyes' still unsure. So I gently ruffled his head with my
hand and stroked his curling mass of red setter spaniel silk coat. To
be given back a paw, the hound won my heart in two seconds, down onto
the floor I went and allowed myself to be welcomed into the dogs
warmth.

I didn't hear you enter, nor see you move across the room until your
hand glided into mine, our eye's met as if for the first time, and yet
I knew it had been you who had rescued me from my car. The fear
returned and gripped the inner whole of me as I suddenly withdrew back
into the mystery I had posed for myself, a memory so painful lingered,
but for the life of me I couldn't call them back into where I'd been or
whom I was.

I could hear the sea drawing its breath and pulling at the shore, I
could smell the salty air and knew that somewhere just below my bedroom
window I would be able to see the sea in all its glorious mass.

The nosie of the storm still rang in my ears, darkeness shifted itself
back into my vision and I felt two strong-arms slowly lift me from the
floor, as if I were nothing more than a feather and restored me back
into my bed. Opening my eyes I returned into the warmth of the room, as
a gentle hand eased my hair from my face and a voice deep with
tenderness asked if I was hungry or if I'd like a cup of tea. Food or
drink, when was the last time I'd eaten, hunger teased the inside of my
stomach. I could smell toast. I looked towards the door, silence. I
tried to speak the words I knew I must but all that came were deep
sighs of pain as tears pushed their way into my eyes. My body shuddered
as if some great weight had suddenly lifted and shattered the glass
doors of security. I had lost that battle as I had watched the sea take
you away. The nightmare had been real and reality had seen me pull away
and save my
own life as the sea took you away to her.

My car had been the sanctuary of safety that I had sought but even as
I'd driven tried to get help, the tide had taken control and flooded
the shore car park, but even then I knew that when they pulled me to
safety from the turmoil, that the stormy sea had won and I had lost.
Here in what felt like the home of a stranger, I knew that again I have
to find myself, to be whole, but the memory of you lingered, whispering
as the sea does when captured in the twist of a shell.

With the tears so the mind ran through the torture of finding my own
name in the debris of the shoreline, where we had been but a moment
ago. Childhood friends suddenly grown to an adult love. A trio but your
love for her had been far stronger than you had for me. I could not
hold you back from her after her death, as the siren of the seas' call
was far stronger than that of mine. In that short time I had lost the
two people who had meant the most to me both to the torment of a
restless sea.

The dogs head nestled my hand, it's cool wet nose and rough tongue
alerting me to it's constant presence, the man who I remembered pulling
me from my car dragging me into the back of a landrover and placing his
body over mine as they reversed back out of the gully of the car park
as the sea rose and drew it's breath before pounding down again on my
car carrying it away. The highest tide in years had swept it's way into
the storm that carried you away.

The tickle of Ferdinand as he nuzzled my hand brought me back to the
reality of knowledge as passing flutter of a memory lingered in it's
warmth, just as he, Mike entered the room with a tray on which was
placed two mugs of tea, doorstep toast covered with a thick coating of
rich butter and marmalade.

Putting the tray down onto a bedside table, he caught the dog's collar
and pulled Ferdinand out of the room and closed the door before
returning and gently pulling me up int a sitting
situation putting an extra pillow for support behind me before placing
the tray onto my knee. Taking his own mug and seating himself at the
other end of the big double bed, drinking his tea never taking his
eye's from my face.

The heat of the tea burnt the back of my throat, far too strong and
sweet, the toast soft and crisp. It was then that my hunger took over.
Yet Mike still sat there saying nothing just watching. Dependable
faithful Mike, always there when needed, never ever far away.

Mike had entered my world like a gentle summer breeze, constantly,
gently bringing with him, his slow dawning warmth, his enduring love
and his laughter along with his beloved hound, Ferdinand, he had
arrived just when I had least expected . Suddenly the drift of the
nightmare released yet another huge sob that seemed to engulfed my
whole being , why could I not find the words to ask?. What had gone so
very wrong?. What corner was it that we had, no that I had failed not
to see beyond?. But the nightmare again edged its way as a second sob
caught me as the memory of the horror slowly returned.

Mike suddenly scooped the tea tray up and pushed it to the floor before
turning dragging me once more into those strong arms of compassion
allowing for the first true sobs of grief to draw their healing balm
into place. Sleep came easy as the torrent of tears slowly drew the
strength from me, sleep without nightmares, without dreams as pleasant
warm arms held them so far away and gently drifted back into a
dreamless sleep exhausted by the torment.

Waking in the darkness of night, passing car lights and people talking
in the street below, the cozy sound of Mike sleeping still securely
holding me. I had lost nothing that I never had but had nearly lost
what I did have. The love that waited patiently there in the background
awaiting my growing up from the tie of two people, who had been the
biggest
part of my life and yet who had so nearly taken away from me that which
was mine, and mine alone. The last few weeks crawled back slowly as I
began to accept and retrace that which had hurt the most, the loss of
those who I had thought mattered the most.

The storm had raged and I knelt before you between you and the raging
tempest of the sea, my clothes heavy with the salty sea and pouring
rain, the lightening flashed and I saw your face etched in its steel
coloured light, "Mike", " Mike", I was screaming, "Mike". The arms of
the sea gripped and pulled me into its torrent. "Mike!". Your name
reached above the noise of the sea's roar. I could feel the grasp of
the undercurrent and the suffocating struggle to regain the ground I
felt I was slowly losing. Suddenly as if by magic I felt two warm lips
press against mine, breathing into mine life, and suddenly I became
alive with the passion to live, tore from the battle against the sea
against the storm, which slowly dissolved and I felt the sweetness of
your skin alive and warm, flood around me and back again I was in our
bed, in our home, in your arms where the warmth of real cherished love
belonged and not by the shore of desperation.

Slowly waking I could feel your face close to mine, your lips
whispering into my hair calmly calling me back from that terror that
haunted my dreams. Suddenly the words I never been able to say came as
if spoken from somewhere else. Did it matter that Megan had died, lost
over board during a storm, her body never recovered and that Tony had
killed himself as he could not face life without her?. But never once
had Tony known that I had loved them both in equal terms.

A love which he had taken advantage of and destroyed in one cold spring
storm, when he finally acknowledged his love for Megan was far stronger
than that for me. I was not grieving for the missed love but for the
love I so nearly lost, as it rushed into the bay and realised that the
man who had my heart, was the one who'd I had cheated on everyday of
our married life. As I lived the lie that had started from our
childhood and the belief that we the trio, Tony, Megan and me were
one.

The bay is now calm, the bodies of my childhood friends had been
returned from the depths of the sea to be buried together as they had
lived in life. If only I had known much sooner, I would have never
frayed the safety cord and Megan would never have been dragged out to
sea and drown but no blame was placed on me. I had never been a part of
their love for the sea and had hated boats and anything to do with
sailing unlike Megan and Tony, their love of sailing which had been the
only thing that I had never been a part of, but never once had I been
jealous, not until they had married and I married Mike on the rebound,
not knowing at
the time that he was my love, until then on that storm driven shore
where I learnt I couldn't live without him.